COURAGE

I remember sitting on the edge of the tub while my wife was getting ready on a Saturday.  She had discovered some of the things that I had done but not even close to the full extent.  She sat there and told me that she did not believe me and that there was more that I am not telling her.  I know that she was inspired as all women have this natural ability to feel the spirit when something is wrong in their family.  I am so grateful that women are inspired and have this ability to know when things are not right.  She was feeling it this particular day and every other day for the last 15 years I had lied to her telling her that nothing was wrong and that I don't know why she was feeling that way.  This day was different.  This was going to be the day that I told her my story and crawled out from under the rock I had been hiding under for two decades.  I was not sure of the outcome but knew that it was going to be really bad.  It was going to tear the family into pieces and I was not sure how it was going to come back together.  I knew that there was going to be a tremendous fight in front of me but knew that I was going to fight for it.  No matter what came of it or how she reacted I was going to fight for our family to be together.  It was going to be one of the worst days of my life but I knew that it had to happen for me to get better.  I had tried to get out of the addiction so many times with so many failed attempts.  When a loved one would pass away I would say to myself "that will never happen again", when one of our kids was close to getting baptized I would repeat the same thing, when we had a child I would say the same thing, I would delete an app and say I'm never going back there again, all of these cycles would pull me back in because I had not purged EVERYTHING.  Purging EVERYTHING is the only way that an addict will get better.  Holding anything back will only hinder the progress.  Letting a little bit out at a time does not start the healing progress.  For me, and keep in mind that everyone is different, but it was that simple and small act of courage to start the healing process.

One of my friends in ARP often refers to coming to group for the first time as opening the 10,000 pound door.  It takes a lot of courage to show up to the first meeting.  It is not easy but it is one of the best feelings ever.  Finding yourself in a room of guys who have been in your shoes, who love you and have compassion on you and your situation, who do not judge and only want to see you progress and will reach out to you to help you in any way get better.  

Remember, Christ is our older brother and has already paid the price for our sins.  He has been below us no matter what our situation is.  He is there for us with open arms no matter what we have done or are doing and will be there for us the second that we reach out.  The courage to reach out to our Savior is what it takes for our hearts to turn so that the addict can fully open up and start the healing process.  

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference".  It takes courage to change the things that we can.  It is not easy but is necessary for the healing to begin.

It is my prayer that those who are suffering from an addiction will have the courage to reach out, find the help they need, receive the help that is out there and feel the love that Christ has for them.  

It takes courage to fight.  I continue to fight for my family, for my wife who has been so good to me and I fight so that I will continue to have the spirit with me.  Looking at the path of destruction I have created each day takes courage.  It takes courage to face my demons.  However, I know that this is the only way that I can fix the things that I have done.  I love where I am at right now.  I love that I am building and not destroying.  I love that I have the spirit with me.  

Brandon

PICKING UP THE PIECES

        In the days and moments following that catastrophic email I was in a bubble of hell.  I spent many moments on my knees in prayer and always kept an ongoing prayer in my heart every second of every day.  One of my first prayers was me pleading with my Heavenly Father as to what I'm supposed to do with this situation.  I told him that I would be willing to work this out if all the secrecy and betrayal was over, but that I couldn't take anymore of it in the future.  I then asked, if this addiction was to continue to please let me be free.  I knew I had to do his will, despite what I wanted to do.  I wanted to run as far away from this man that I no longer knew, but I had the distinct feeling that this awfulness was over.  I knew right in that moment that I needed to stay married to Brandon and to help him through this battle.  I had but a brief glimpse of my eternal family.... TOGETHER and realized that this life is but a mere moment in the grand eternities of it all.  Not to mention I wasn't going to let the advisory win this fight.  For those of you who know me know just how stubborn I am, which usually is to my disadvantage.  But this time stubbornness was on my side.

        Now that I knew Gods will for me to stay married I had to figure out how to digest it all and where to begin in picking up the pieces.  I took it one day at a time.  I communicated with Brandon through his parents.  I had no desire what so ever to talk to him let alone hear his voice.  I would make arrangements with his Mom to come get the kids so brandon could spend time with them.  I would let the kids call him whenever they wanted to talk to him.  Those phone calls usually ended with the kids in tears and me sick to my stomach when hearing his voice on the line.  It would absolutely break my heart seeing the pain this was causing them.  I would give them the best comfort that a confused and broken mother could, but I knew deep down they were dying inside.

        Brandon lost his job a few weeks into this due to the effects of an addicts actions.  So of course the time came when I had to face him to get our finances figured out.  I asked his parents to be there because I knew there was no way I would be able to face him alone.  We met at my in laws.  I was in their office talking to the both of them when I saw Brandon walk through the door.  Oh boy were my triggers going off like wild fire.  I did not look at him once.  I kept my eyes focused on the floor, all the while my legs were bouncing, I was fidgeting with my fingers.  Any thing to try and keep me calm and not break down crying.  I didn't even know this man in the room with me.  I could sense his presence but it was not a familiar one.  The conversation ended and I made my exit as quickly as possible and returned home allowing myself the breakdown I was trying so hard to suppress earlier.

        I eventually went from using my in laws for communicating with Brandon, to emailing him.  Im not much of an emailer so it was still an impersonal way to communicate with him.  Not to mention I felt really horrible putting his parents in that position.  I still had no desire to see him at this time, but one snowy day I got a phone call from a friend telling me to not go outside Brandon was out there.  So what do I immediately do?  I ran to the front window to look outside and there he is shoveling my driveway.  He looked beaten down and broken himself, he looked utterly devastated.  In those moments I was flooded with so many emotions. I was sick to my stomach, angry, confused, but the one that I remember feeling the strongest was sorrow.  Here was a man, another human being who had messed up (royally) who was struggling in his lowest moments ever, and yet he was at my house shoveling my driveway.  I would love to say that I had the courage to go out and talk with him.  But I didn't.  I stayed cowered down in my home.

        Emailing then turned to texting.  Each day I was feeling a little more alive.  Not much, but bit by bit I was coming around.  Texting was so much more convenient and quicker.  Christmas was drawing close.  As a Federico family tradition every year we go to dinner and a movie.  I was faced with, do I go and put on my best face and be strong, or do I have my kids go without me and spend time with their dad.  Brandon had offered to stay home so I would feel more comfortable going, but it was his family we were going with.  He had every right to be there.   I didn't want to miss out on that favorite family tradition with my kids so I made the decision to go.  Talk about awkwardness.  We were on texting terms but facing him was a whole different ball game.  It was hard, it was very hard.  He looked better though, his hair was cut and he was freshly shaven.  I said as little as possible to him that night but the ice had been cut, not broken yet just cut.  Next was christmas eve at his parents house, again I decided to go for my kids.   I was trying to make things as normal as possible despite the HUGE elephant in the room.  I then had to make the decision of having him over christmas morning or not.  Now that was a difficult decision.  I didn't feel I was prepared for a whole day of christmas cheer with him, but these were his children and he needed them Christmas day as much as I did.  I invited him over with the stipulation that his parents come with him.  I still didn't have the strength to be with him alone.

LUST

I have loved going to 12 step meetings each week.  I love and appreciate each step that is reviewed weekly.  I have great relationships with those who are in the groups with me.  I love that they are also fighting for their freedom from addictions.  The shares and the spirit that is in each meeting is very spiritual and very powerful.  I have needed to go to these and other meetings weekly in order to get out of the trench that this addiction set me it.  With the help of ARP and LifeStar I have been able to find the root of the addiction.  Lust.  There are countless scriptures that refer to lust and why we should avoid lusting.  I am a really slow learner and did not understand the magnitude of lust and how it can destroy a soul.  Lust sets the hook deeper and deeper.  If you are not sure what lust is then do some research on it.  I recommend the scriptures to understand what it is and why this must be avoided.  Lust vs. Love: temporary pleasure compared to lasting happiness.  As humans we want, this could be a new dirt bike or a new car, we also have carnal desires.  Taming the desires is what the Lord wants us to do.  Letting our thoughts run wild and eventually acting on those is exactly what the Adversary wants us to do.  Spending time with Maurice has really helped me understand the power of the adversary.  He has been here for thousands of years training to destroy those who allow him to get his "toe in the door" of their soul.  Don't think that he has not mastered the skill of getting into our thoughts.  He has.  The thoughts that come into our minds that are not of God, well they only come from Satan.  Sometimes we do not control the thoughts that come into our minds.  However, we can do something about the thoughts as they come in.  Our brains can only have one thought at a time, so like a swinging door we need to let the bad thought leave and replace it with a positive thought and not let the bad thought back in.  This takes time and training.  At first for me it seemed impossible and hearing people say sing a hymn had no power over the thoughts.  Now, I have several go to hymns that I sing in my mind if a thought comes in.  Distracting the thought quickly helps it stay out.  Focussing on the words of the hymn now do the trick for me.  "I Need Thee Every Hour" is my favorite because it reminds me that I do need the grace from God each hour.  

Every addiction is like a tree.  There hundreds of branches and each branch is a way of acting out or it could be a behavior associated with the addiction.  To kill the tree we can try and try and try to chop of the branches only to watch them grow back slowly or we can open the earth, get into the root system and destroy the tree with some root killer.  Point being, lust is really the root of my addiction and many others who are recovering from an addiction to pornography.

I recently saw a movie with my wife where the character relived each day until his mission was complete.  This movie reminded me of recovery from an addiction to lust.  Each day he would get a little further and find out a little more information then he would die and start over.  It took him a long time to get all the information so that he could finally destroy the enemy.  He worked hard and had to turn over every stone so that he had all the information and tools needed.  Recovery takes time, behaviors that have been in motion are now being reversed, tools are being discovered, thought processes are changed, and the light of Christ is entering as this continues.  All of this continues until the perfect day.

Don't dwell on thoughts, they will eventually catch up and destroy you.  I know this due to my first hand experience.  I also know that thoughts can be controlled and lust can be overcome.  I never thought it possible but with Christ, all things are possible.

Brandon 

HOPE

        First, I want to start this entry off by saying Thank You.  Since we have started this blog the out pouring of love and support has been tremendous. The comments, and emails that we have received give us so much encouragement. So Thank You.

        Today I want to throw HOPE out there to all of you men and women who are in need of it.  It is so hard to be hopeful in a hopeless situation.  Going through this trial I have learned so many things, one of which is there are NO hopeless situations.  I remember as a young girl, and later in my life, my father giving me guidance by telling me "if you don't have hope, you don't have anything".  There is ALWAYS hope.  It may not come easy.  I found that myself.  How on earth could I have hope, given the situation that I was in?  For me hope came in the form of the atonement.  Christ paid for our sins.  I always knew that, and I always knew that when I sinned I would be forgiven.  Never did I think about having to utilize the atonement to help me forgive others.  I had many wise people council me to "let the atonement work for me". At first I had no idea how I was supposed to let the atonement work for me, I wasn't the sinner, I hadn't done anything wrong. Then one day after so many prayers asking for help to get me through this awful situation I started to understand how to "let it work for me" and that came in the form of hope.  I had to hope.  What more was there?  If Christs' atonement for others' sins meant that they could be forgiven, then there is hope for them to become whole again. The same goes for those who have been sinned against.  There was hope for me to be whole, and hope for my marriage to be whole.   I knew it would be a process, but nothing ever comes easy.   I love this talk on hope by President Uchtdorf.   https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-infinite-power-of-hope?lang=eng#listen=audio

         So for those of you struggling, with whatever it may be, addiction, betrayal, divorce please know that there is hope.  I feel it daily.  Sometimes in small doses but its there. All it takes is a small amount of hope and once you nurture it and excerpt faith then that hope can grow and help you in dealing with the trials you've been given.

        You are not alone.  Your never alone.  There is always someone who is facing the same trials you are.  Please don't let discouragement get you.  As President Uchtdorf states in his talk "Never surrender.  Never allow despair to overcome your spirit".

I fight for hope.  Not just for myself, but for all of those who desperately are in need of it.

Lots of Love,
Cherae

LOVE

One of the most important things to understand and yes it is difficult to understand but though I was doing horrible things behind my wife's back I still loved her.  The love for her was real and the feelings I had for her were real but they were diluted due to the pornography.  The love was not as strong as it could have been if I had been sober.  Feelings are numbed by pornography.  This is typical for all porn addicts.  Pornography desensitizes so much that feelings actually take months to get back.  But for those who are reading this and have a spouse who is an addict please know that the feelings can come back to the full extent that they once were before the addiction.  Also know that the love that the addict has for you is real.  How can one love and hurt the other person so bad?  That is what addictions do.  They take any common sense out of the way and allow the addict to fall on their face over and over and over with no hope in sight that there is a way out.

In December I found myself living with my parents about to lose everything.  There was no way around these things that I was faced with and I was just going to put my shoulders back, keep my head up and fix this situation that I had created.  However, none of this was going to be possible without the most powerful thing that we as humans feel, love.  This love that I had felt from my Savior was what I needed to get out of the trench I had dug.  It was incredible for me to see the love that Christ has for me and my family.  Love is the most powerful feeling that can motivate a man who was in the depths of hell to get out and get on the right path to return to a loving Heavenly Father.  There is no other way that I could have got out of the addiction cycle.  I have no doubts that Christ loves us all and that once we FULLY allow him in our lives he will change our hearts.

There is a lot of hard work that needs to be done and surrendered by the addict in order to get the feelings back and I am still working on that each and every day.  At 7 months of sobriety I feel more than I have in years past.  I feel a deeper love for Cherae and for my family.  I feel a deeper love for my Savior and I know that it is only due to his love for me that I can be where I am at today.  I thank the Lord each day for His grace that he has placed on me for my sobriety.   If Christ can show his love for me with all the horrible things I have done then yes, he will show his love for anyone.

In the end it will be love that saves each of us.  It is the love from our Savior that will bring us peace in this life and in the life to come.  It is love that can take a person from their darkest hour to their brightest hope.  Love will conquer all.

I fight for the love of my Savior, I fight for my family, I fight for my own sobriety, I fight because I am so tired of being a pawn, I fight because I hate what I have done, I fight for freedom.

Brandon

SAVING GRACE

Dec 16, 2013
       
        Here I was..... lost. Can't breath, can't think, can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus, can't care for my children.  How am I supposed to function as a mother, when I can't even take care of myself? Thankfully this is where good friends came into the picture. One particular who we shall call  "M".  She pretty well ran my life for the first few days. Slept over so I wouldn't have to be alone at night, made my kids school lunches (thanks to her husband for loaning her to me and running their household so she could be of comfort to me) and much more. There was one particular time I woke up in the 5 am hour in sheer panic.  I literally thought I was knocking on deaths door.  I couldn't handle the horrific pain I was feeling. I didn't want to wake M since she had been up with me most of the night.  I quietly left my room and found a spot where I wouldn't be heard and frantically called my mother in law.  I needed something to help me but couldn't think clearly as to what.  The only thing I could think of was the emergency room (as if the ER has ever been able to mend a broken heart).   To say I was a wreck is a understatement.  My mother in law, as hard as she tried could not settle me down.  I was in the depths of despair.  Some how M woke up and notice that I wasn't in bed so she set out to search for me.  She found me, and sat by me trying her best to comfort me.  And then she suggested something. "Do you want me to have my husband come over and give you a blessing"? DING DING DING! Why did I not think of that? a desperate, "yes please", were the only words I could muster up. At this time I was now on the phone with another dear friend trying to arrange for someone to drive Jr. high carpool for me (yes, that would've turned out great for me to be driving at this point) and almost at the same time M suggested a blessing she echoed it through the phone.  At least those 2 were thinking clearly despite the early hour.  Both of their husbands came to my home early in the morning and gave me a phenomenal blessing.  One that was so much needed at that time.  The words that were said were so direct, and precise for this particular occasion.  I am forever grateful to all those valiant men out there who have, over the span of the last 7 months given me the blessings that I have needed and for the comfort their words brought me.  That night, I really turned to my Heavenly Father and begged and pleaded for something, anything.  I asked in my prayer that if He knew that Brandon would never hurt me to this degree again, to give me strength to work this through with him to keep my family together.  My prayer was immediately answered, and that is when I knew what I was fighting for.

Journal entry dated 12/16/2013 (2 days after the big blow)

        I've had my heart ripped out, torn into pieces, and then trampled on, and I'm proud to say I'm still standing.  Some days a little taller than others, but regardless I'm still standing.  Satan has waged a war with me that he's going to wish he never started.  He's going to hear my feet hit the ground in the morning and say "oh no she's awake".  He wants a fight? I'll give him one!  NO ONE is going to try and tear my eternal family apart and think I'm going to sit back and take it.  I will fight till my dying day for my family and that includes the man I love the most, yet who is responsible for my broken heart.  I know he did not intentionally break it.  Satan was using him as a pawn to do his dirty work.

        Now I am not currently with my husband (he had moved out), but thats not to say I won't be again when he fights his demons and satan head on which I know he can do with the love and support of his Heavenly Father, Parents, and family.  He may not be aware of it but I know he has the strength and courage to do it.  He just needs to find it within himself.  This is where the atonement comes in for the both of us.  Brandon has done the hardest thing ever which was expose his horrible secrets, knowing it would cost him his family..... but would it?  He showed blind courage in the moment he exposed himself.  He exerted utter faith.  Now I'm not going to say those were the qualities I thought of him the moment he was exposed, but I can say that today, 2 days later I have felt the true love of Christ and am starting to more fully understand what the meaning of the atonement is all about.  If Christ can love unconditionally and forgive us ALL, of our sins regardless of how big or how small they may be then it is our job to follow his example.  Im no better than Christ to say that I'm above forgiving Brandon. I am learning to forgive despite how much it still pains me.  End of journal entry

        I am still working on forgiveness 7 months later.  Forgiving Brandon, and forgiving all of the people who have directly or indirectly played a role in aiding his addiction.

        I have felt Gods divine hand in helping me through some very important decisions, and through the whole healing process itself.  I would not, nor could not be where I am today were it not for HIS love and for my Saviors infinite atonement.

        A wonderful quote that has really given me strength to pull through the hard times I have faced and still face on a daily basis is by  Jeffrey R. Holland-

Don't you give up.
Don't you quit.
You keep walking.
You keep trying.
There is help and happiness ahead.....
It will be all right in the end,
Trust God
and believe in good things to come.

Keep on fighting!

Lots of love,
Cherae





     
       

THE BIGGEST BLOW

Im not going to lie or sugar coat this in anyway.  Those first few days were absolute HELL! If there were some other way to describe it I would.  I remember thinking death wouldn't have been as painful as the truth.  We've all seen those shows where the husband lives a double life and the wife has no clue.  I remember watching and thinking oh those poor women, knowing little that one day I would be one of those "poor" women.  When I read that email moments after just having walked into Kohls everything started to feel surreal.  How could this be? This wasn't the person I had married.  He wasn't capable of this! I know he's had problems, but this? No way! The list of betrayals went on and on and I felt I couldn't finish reading it yet I knew that right here in front of my eyes was the truth I had been seeking all these years.  I think I went into shock at that moment.  As I left the store I ran into some good friends and later found out from them they knew instantly from the look upon my face something definitely wasn't right.  My friend immediately text Brandon and said "We just saw Cherae and she didn't look good, is everything ok?" Brandon responded with a "no it's not".  I sat in my car with my head rested against my steering wheel sobbing.  Is this really happening? I knew I needed to go home and get my kids but Brandon would be there.  My desire to gather my kids up and run to my parents over powered the dread I felt to have to face him.  When I got home he was indeed there.  Though tears i just said "how could you"? I didn't even wait for a response before I turned and left.  My poor kids had friends over and I was franticly telling them their friends had to leave NOW!  They were in a panic.  They knew something was seriously wrong.  After all the friends left I called his parents, my parents, and my Bishop and asked them all to come to my home. I didn't know what purpose that would serve other than sheer comfort.  While waiting for them I took my 3 younger children over to a close friend of mine's house (thankfully my oldest was out with friends).  I was bawling and read them the email and asked them "does this mean I need to divorce him" The look on their faces said more than any other words ever could.  They now were in the same state of shock I was.  My girls were coming into the room us adults were in sobbing, not knowing what was going on and just asking, "are you and dad getting divorced"? It broke my heart over and over.  I didn't know what to tell them.  I responded with " I'm not sure whats going to happen right now.  Dads made some bad choices and its hurt me really bad".  Eventually I got the call from my parents that they were at my home along with my in laws.  I left my girls at the neighbors house to spare them what I was about to get into with having to divulge details to our parents.  Luckily Brandon wasn't there when I got home. It brought me such great comfort having both my parents, his parents and my Bishop there, yet my heart was absolutely broken, not one piece in tact.  I now stood alone with out my spouse by my side having to make decisions I never thought I would have to make. Am I going to have to sell my house? Am I going to have to go back to work and leave my 2 year old home with a sitter? How are my children going to react when they find out mom and dad are divorcing?  How will I ever get over this betrayal? Those are just a few of the many questions that were swarming my mind.  My mother had her wits about her to tell me that I didn't need to make any decisions right now. And she was right.  Running out to get a divorce right then wouldn't fix things.  And so I waited. The good advice that a mother gives in times of crisis, is like an antidote for a deadly disease.  I left with all my children in tow and went and stayed the night with my parents. My sister was living there at the time and she kicked her husband out of the bed for the night so I could sleep with her (bless that girls heart). The last thing I wanted was to be alone. And so that entails The Biggest Blow I've ever received.  Through out all of the feelings I experienced that day one of the most consistent feelings, was that underneath all that was happening, everything would be ok.  It was buried very deep but I felt it.  And I know that it was my Heavenly Father doing his best to comfort me at such a dark time in my life. I knew that I needed to turn to him during this horrible crisis I was in and little did I know what his desires for me to do would be.  I was in for a big surprise.

          I am so grateful for those who were there in those critical beginning hours, and those who stepped in immediately following.  I was  desperately in need and many stepped up to the plate.  They  have been so supportive and served me in ways that I could never repay.  My heart is so deeply full of gratitude.  I am so thankful for a wonderful, loving supportive family and in law family.  I am blessed for the example my parents have been to me growing up.  I haven't always been the most obedient child and had times in my life that I myself have strayed from the path I should be on.  But I always had a testimony buried deep inside of me that eventually brought me back to where I needed to be.  I know its because of my parents righteous example that I had the testimony I did.  I am luckily to have the good friends that I have now, that pulled me out of the dark murky hole I was dropped in,  Brushed me off and help me get back on my feet. And most off I am so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who's love I so strongly felt from the moments this all started, and for my Saviors selfless sacrifice of atoning for us all.

         In those dark hours I had some fight in me, but it took a few days for me to realize what that fight was.

Lots of love
Cherae

ADDICTION

Addiction comes in many different flavors.  Drugs, eating disorders, behavioral, alcohol, and the list goes on and on.  I have found that in my recovery it sneaks into peoples lives very differently because the adversary knows the weaknesses of each individual.  Everyone is tempted.  Not everyone will react to the temptations but it is Satan's goal to get you to cave.  Even if it is one time.  For me it was a variety of addictions.  When I was in my teenage years it was chemical addictions to escape and about the same time is when the pornography addiction kicked in.  Here is something that was key for me to realize looking back, pornography is not necessarily looking at naked people having intercourse.  Pornography comes in a wide variety of avenues.  It comes in the form of music, TV programs, video games, apps (these are huge for pornography now and I will go into those specifically), internet and magazines.  Mine started with lingerie magazines (Victoria Secret) and progressed from there.  Everything seemed so innocent at first.  It was about the time that I was on my mission when I realized that it was getting to be "a bad habit".  For me this progressed and even after being married thinking the desire to go online would die it only got worse.  Two years into our marriage my poor wife found out and I confessed to her.  We went to the Bishop and he told me to pray and read my scriptures.  I think that may have lasted about 6 months.  From then until December 5, 2013 I hid the addiction like my life depended on it because it did.  Pornography addiction is so secretive.  One can think that it only effects the individual viewing it but that is just another lie that the adversary would like you to believe.  Stats are as high as 80% of the male population being addicted to pornography.  For the person saying that is not true or I can view it and not be an addict then you need to take a long hard look in the mirror.  Pornography addiction will consume an individual.  I know this by first hand experience.  It completely consumed mine.  Everyone in recovery with me says the same thing.  Is everyone in recovery wrong?  No.  We all covered our tracks, looking for opportunities to be isolated.  This addiction is so dangerous.  You may laugh at that but it is killing our society.  I have several books that go into the addiction itself but would recommend "He Restoreth My Soul" by Dr. Don Hilton who is an inspiration to me and one of the smartest men I have every heard speak.  He is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints and a famous neurosurgeon.  He understands what the addiction does to the brain.  He understands what it does to the soul and what it takes to get out of the addiction.

It was just after the 5th of December last year when I realized this is not "a bad habit" but an addiction that I was hopeless against.  It was at that point when I went to my first meeting.  Addiction Recovery Program by LDS Family Services.  It has changed my life.  It has changed my life because it is focused on Christ and that was the only thing that could pull me out of the addiction that I was in.  I have had a lot of other influences, LifeStar and Maurice Harker have helped me in ways that have propelled me forward in my recovery but nothing else has helped me get to where I am at quicker than a loving Heavenly Father.

Brandon