LIFE LINES (PART 2)

This post really goes back to December for me.  It goes back to the day that I decided to come clean and face this monster that I could not shake.  All throughout the addiction I felt like there was no where to turn.  Nobody had been in my shoes before so how could anyone help.  I had done so much and had no idea where to turn but continued to figure I was just going to die in my addiction.

Before I told the entire story to Cherae we had invited some friends over to talk about the pornography situation with them.  My friend J had gone through his own addictions and was there for me to talk and listen and understand.  He may not realize it but he was very influential on me the night we met.  The most important thing he taught me was to tell the whole truth.  Get it all out.  I was not going to get better until I was honest with Cherae.  I think he could tell that there was more than needed to be told.  How grateful I am for him and congratulate him on his 4 years of sobriety.  He is one of my heroes.  He has been a great support and will always be a great friend.  As I told J that the Bishop wanted me to read a certain book, he just looked at me and told me to get as much out of it as I could.  I could tell that it had helped him.  I was trying to play it off but he was serious and I was impressed that I needed to buckle down and face this addiction and issues head on.

It was early in December when everything was ripped out of my hands and I had nothing to rely on and felt like there was nobody there for me.  I found myself at my parents home because where do you turn when you have nothing?  My first lifeline was my parents.  I knew how disappointed they were going to be.  It was so hard to face them and tell them the things that I had done.  I kept my head down and my hat over my eyes so they could not see my face as I was vomiting my story on them.  As I got done telling them everything and anticipated the lecture all I felt from them was sorrow and love.  I was shocked.  The more I look at the situation I feel that that is how my heavenly parents would react to a son who is trying to get back to a heavenly home.  My parents surrounded me with love.  They supported me so much to get into a recovery program and find the resources needed to overcome this addiction.  They have been true champions and such great examples to me.  Each day as I pray I thank my Father in heaven for my earthly parents.  Their love for me is real and I know that I was blessed to come to this earth and be in their care.  My parents will only understand the love that I have for them when we are on the other side together looking back on this life and then they will understand what they are to me.

As I was living at my parents and starting these different recovery programs I reached out to someone who would ultimately heal me.  I had prayed before and had always believed that Christ was there for me.  However, this situation was on a different level.  I needed Him.  I needed the love and the compassion that He had for me so that I could get better.  I know that He sends others on this earth to do His work.  I know that He loves me.  I have felt his love like never before.  I know that the pain and suffering that He has gone through has given Him the ability to understand what I have gone through.  It is my testimony that Christ loves each of us more than we will understand, more than a parent can love a child.  Christ's love is so perfect.  As I continue to reach out to him I find the answers that I need in my recovery.  I find the strength to get through each day.  I find the strength to overcome the temptations and trials that come my way.  I know that His grace is sufficient for me to overcome whatever I am faced with.  Christ will ALWAYS be the ultimate lifeline.  He will NEVER abandon anyone and I know that because he never abandoned me.  How blessed I have been to have parents who raised me with that understanding that Christ is real and loves each of us here on this earth.

Maurice was a big help to me when in 2009 I was meeting with him regarding some marriage counseling.  Although I was not honest with him at the time I learned a lot.  I would end up going back to the things he was teaching me to fight this battle.  His understanding of addiction and the enemy had been key for me.  Understanding how and when the enemy will attack is amazing.  I can receive the information from the spirit that I need to know when the next attack will be and can get prepared for it.  I suggest reading his book and understanding the principles that he teaches.  Cherae and I were able to speak today at one of Maurices conferences.  Maurice is one of my hero's.  Thanks Maurice.  You have helped me change my life.  http://www.lifechangingservices.org

LifeStar was also a huge lifeline for me.  Ken Schwab runs a great program.  He listed to me and invited me to participate in the program.  The program focuses on the addiction and understanding what it does to the brain and how destructive it is.  Ken is patient and understanding.  He has been so good to me and helping me understand the principles that the program has to offer.  The group setting for me was key so that I could see that I was not alone in this fight and others had been in my shoes.  I will appreciate Ken forever and for the program that he has to offer.  I remember telling him in the very beginning that Cherae would not participate.  The first week everyone there could tell that Cherae was not happy to be there to deal with MY issues.  Ken's promise to me was that if I worked the steps and focused on God that I would get back to Him and that my wife would be there with me.  As the weeks and months went by I could see the change in my life and the change in the life of my wife.  We were talking and communicating like we never had before.  LifeStar was critical for us and for our relationship.  Ken, you are a great man and will always be my friend.  Thank you for all you have done for me.  I also want to thank all of my brothers who were in group with me.  You were all so helpful for me.  Ian, you are a life long friend.  You and I were meant to meet.  Thank you for your friendship.  Thank you for hanging in there and continuing to fight.  You are going to be an amazing husband and father one day.  Keep going!  http://www.lifestar-davis-weber.com

ARP will be a staple for me for the rest of my life.  The LDS addiction recovery program is inspired.  It is Christ's program here on earth to help heal the sick and wounded.  He is the focus and is the reason the program works so well.  I love my group and my brothers in the program.  I love being able to go there each week and feel the spirit and feel the love that we all have for each other.  The spiritual aspect of the program has been vital for me to be able to sustain sobriety.  The program is a program of action and as long as the participant is willing to work then the program will be a success.  Just like the scriptures say "knock and it shall be opened", knocking on the door is a requirement by the person who wants to get the help.  The effort needs to be there and it has to be treated like boot camp.  Jump in, do the work, work your guts out, put all the effort you can into it.  It will work.  I know and can say that because it worked and continues to work for me.  https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng

Jake.  I can't say enough good about him.  Jake just moved into our ward and was there for me at my first 12 step meeting.  His timing of moving into the ward was not by coincidence.  I needed him to help me get on the right track.  Jake sat me down early in the recovery process and helped me understand more about it and what I needed to do in order to overcome the addiction.  As I went to LifeStar and ARP I felt like I had an advantage of already knowing what I needed to be doing.  It was amazing for me to continue to meet with Jake and get more information from him.  I am so blessed to have him in my life as a mentor and as a good friend.  Jake was there for me when I got to steps 4 and 5 in the 12 step program.  These steps are hard and gut wrenching.  It was so nice to have a friend there who could listen to my story and help me through the process.  Jake, thank you!

Just to clarify, I needed and continue to need ALL of the resources that I have written about.  They will all continue to be a guide for me in my life.  Some of the programs that I am involved with will be part of my family forever.  As we continue to work with Maurice and his program we continue to feel the spirit and feel the energy to combat the enemy.  Both of us have a love and understanding for ARP and will continue to do what is necessary to help others in the program.  I will always refer to the tools and knowledge gained in LifeStar.  I will always love my dear parents.  I can't say enough about them.  I love them so much.  I will always rely on my Savior.  I will always remain close to Him.  I will continue to turn my will over to Him because He knows what is best for me.

I also want to thank my ecclesiastical leaders who have been so loving and non judgmental.  I am so blessed to have the Bishop and Stake President that I do.  They are amazing men and have been so good for me.  I believe that they are in the positions that they are at this time because I needed both of them to help me.  I will always love and respect them for all they have done for me.  They have helped strengthen my testimony of the gospel by how they have treated me.  Thank you!

Lastly, my dear wife Cherae.  She will be my lifeline FOREVER.  She is the greatest blessing to me here on this earth.  She is there for me each day at every hour.  She will always be my hero.  She is the most amazing person.  I love her with all of my heart and am so grateful for everything that she does for me and our family.  Cherae, I love you!

I fight for my freedom from addiction.  I fight for my family.  I fight so that I can feel the spirit and have it with me at all times.  I fight for the love of God.  I fight to destroy the enemy.

Brandon.