THE UGLY TRUTH

 

          I would like to address this post to those who have a sexual addiction.  For those of you who are addicts I would like to give you a perspective on what its like to be the wife of an addict.  I know your wife can explain this until she's blue in the face, but I hope to give you a different perspective.  I can dare say that nothing I tell you won't be something you haven't already heard.  Hopefully hearing it from someone other than you wife will give you some new insight on this subject.  In one of my previous posts I mentioned  that I am going to be completely honest and real in this blog.  This post is going to be one of those honest and real posts.   Brandon is 279 days sober and for that I am SO forever grateful, but that also means I am 279 days struggling.  Yes I struggled before I knew the truth, but that was a different kind of struggle.  I know the truth now, and knowing ALL that I know brings on a whole new set of struggles.  I struggle with the fact that this is now my life.  I am the wife of an addict.  That will never change.  Oh how I wish it could, but it won't.  That being said, I am relieved to KNOW that I am a wife of an addict instead of being in the dark about it.   Being the wife of an addict brings on many issues.   I have been struggling with trust, trauma, betrayal, anger, sadness/depression, and sometimes just not caring.  The wife of any addict will tell you that their live is one big roller coaster.  One that I'm hoping that with time for me, will start to smooth out quite a bit instead of these steep hills I keep plummeting down.
     
         Trust doesn't exist.  At least for now.   I have been lied to ever since I have met Brandon, which was way back in 1993.  The difficulty with this is yes, he has been honest for the past 9 months, but he has lied to me for the 20 years previous to that.  Im hoping in time that trust will return.  Trust is something that is earned, and that is a hard enough feat in and of itself.  So when you destroy it, its that much harder to earn it back.  When I go to my recovery meetings one thing I hear a lot of women say, and I have to agree is that the lying is what is hard to get over.  Of course the sexual addiction, and addiction pornography is devastating,  but the lying is so hard to recover from.  There are some days or even weeks that are hard.  There have been a few situations that have made Brandon look like he is lying, and have looked really bad for him.  As hard as he tries to explain the truth to me, I can't allow myself to believe him.  In my mind I tell myself I won't fall for those excuses ever again.  Which then leads me into the feelings of betrayal I have.  I feel as though I didn't have all of the information available to me when I said "yes" to his marriage proposal.  In my mind I look at that and can't help but feel that all this betrayal could have been avoided had I been given all of the info up front and made a more clear decision at that point of proposal.  I feel the betrayal of him choosing other women when at one point he chose ME.  Why choose anyone, when you seem to want everyone? Why would he betray his wife?  HE chose ME, HE asked ME to marry him,  I didn't.  And so then starts my cycle of doubt-  Am I doing the right thing by staying married? Why am I allowing myself to suffer this way when I can just end this relationship?  Why would he do this to me all over again?  If he truly loved me why would he do this?  Do I love him enough to stay?   I have to fight these questions and many others to long to list, anytime something suspicious comes up, which, being married to an addict happens almost on a daily basis.  I can get into some really dark places when these questions start taking over.  They can consume ones mind if allowed.  When this happens I envision myself walking along the rail of a fence.  Focusing ever so intently on walking that straight line (the straight line being sanity) all the while trying to thwart those questions and thoughts that are attacking me from both sides of the fence.  If I can get through the day having balanced myself on the rail without having been pushed off one way or another then it was a successful day.  Somedays it takes all the effort I have to just to put one foot in front of the other on this rail.  And then to be attacked from both sides (thoughts, questions, fears) it can make for emotionally draining day.
     
        Through out this journey of mine I have felt as though I have lost my husband.  And for me, I did.  I lost the person I thought I married (turns out he never existed) so for me, and other women we go through some of the same grieving processes that those who really do lose a loved one go through. Anger is the second stage of the grieving process.  Thankfully it is fading for me, and I know thats because of the Atonement.  And lets be honest I don't want to live my life an angry person.  What good will that accomplish?  My life has been affected enough from this addiction.  I will not let it make me a bitter angry woman.  But to some, the anger and bitterness can last a very long time.  Satan LOVES anger.  He annihilates the man (women too, but I'm speaking with the point of view who's husband is an addict) with this addiction, and most never see it coming and some don't even recognize when it is upon them.  Some however, do recognize it, be it sooner or later and they do everything they can to fight against it, doing everything they need to, to not let satan take one more moment of their life.  Satan knows he doesn't have that man in his grasp anymore and thats when he turns to the wife and tries to destroy her and her family.  I will hand it to him he's got himself some good tools to work with at this point.  Anger being a huge one.  What woman wouldn't be angry at the misbehaviors, and betrayal of her husband?  There is no set time limit of how long she will be angry, but I hope for her sake and her families sake she will not let it consume her.
   
         Like I mentioned, the grieving process we go through has stages.  One of which is depression (and I add sadness).  We are sad that the ONE person who is supposed to be there for us, comfort us, and protect us, turns out to be the ONE person who destroys us (with the help of satan of course).  This roller coaster I spoke of earlier has a few different destinations, one of which is depression.  There have been so many times though out the last 9 months where I feel numb, I don't care anymore what happens, I want to be alone, I want to run away and hide, never to surface again, and I certainly don't want to stay married to this man.  After a month or so in the beginning of trying to deal with this sadness/depression on my own, I realized I wasn't cutting it myself, and got on an antidepressant.  I wasn't strong enough mentally to deal with it despite my efforts.  There were times that I kept trying to get off of the medication because I didn't want to have to take something to help me be mentally sane due to the effect that someone else's actions had upon me.  I tried multiple times to quit taking it but I would end up feeling "crazy" in my mind.  So I returned to taking the medication.  I eventually got off of it, and for me that has worked.  For a lot of women it is something that they might have to be on for the rest of their life.  And that is ok.

        Husbands, I will do the begging and pleading that I know your wives so desperately do them selves.  PLEASE come clean.  PLEASE don't WASTE one more day being a slave to your addiction.  PLEASE seek help.  PLEASE recognize your individual worth.  PLEASE humble yourselves before God, and turn you will over to Him.  PLEASE stop hurting your wife.  Here you may think that telling her will hurt her worse.  What you may not realize is that by doing the things you are doing you are creating an even deeper pain that will have longer lasting effects and be harder to overcome.  What you are not aware of are the effects that this addiction is having on you.  Ive seen it from both sides.  I lived unknowingly as a wife of an addict for 15 years, but I always knew.  I may not have know details, but I knew.  Now, KNOWING that I am the wife of an addict I can work on helping my marriage become better, supporting my husband, and strengthening myself and my family.  When Brandon came clean he not only relieved himself of all his secrecy, he freed me from the bondage I had been in of knowing "something wasn't right, but couldn't prove it".  Brandon coming clean was the most selfless thing I have seen that man do.  He made it so that we both could start to move forward and stop being in the stagnate state we had been in for 15 years.

          As I reread all that I have wrote above a part of me doesn't want to post this because of the "ugly" content it contains.  It makes life look bleak, difficult, and so undesirable.  But because of the "ugly" above, I am now free, and I am going to take that "ugly" and turn it into something BEAUTIFUL!  I want you all to know that I do not feel that "ugly" everyday.  In the beginning, yes I did.  Over time, and with the help of the Atonement I am able to have really good days in between, and those really good days happen more often than the bad days.  I know that it will only get better.  My roller coaster will eventually turn into a boring, flat, straight ride. And I'm ok with that.

        The Atonement is not only for overcoming death and sin, but it is also for healing our pain, our sorrow and every other affliction.  "Through His Atonement, He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions". -Elder C. Scott Grow


I fight to help free those who are ensnared in the trap of sexual addictions, and for their spouses who suffer from those addictions

Lots of love,
Cherae