FEELINGS REVEALED

This post may be really lame to the average Joe because it is all about my feelings.  I have been so out of touch with my feelings for so long now due to the addiction that each day I feel the smoke clear just a little bit more.  The numbing that the addiction has done to my feelings is incredible (and not in a good way).  My recovery has caused me to look back, and realize that I really had so much less compassion than I thought I had, so much less love than I thought I had, and the list goes on and on.  Through the reading and learning that I have done over the past 10 months has shown me that my brain was literally rerouting and looked like a piece of swiss cheese.  I continue to feel the healing because I now have more feelings and am more sensitive to those feelings.  I am not out there each day looking to see if I have these feelings but they are just showing up out of nowhere.  It is remarkable.  

I feel that I need to explain something here regarding my feelings towards my wife.  This is going to sound so hypocritical of me and it is true.  However, I really felt like even through my addiction I loved my wife.  I feel like that was masked a lot but there was love for her.  I just did not know how to express it or actually show her what love was.  I never intended on hurting her even though my actions were contrary to my feelings towards her.  Addiction will do that to anyone.  The addict never has the intentions of hurting their loved ones.  We just can't control our lives to show our true intentions.  I understand that to the loved one of the addict it just sounds like a lame excuse.  Well, over time the actions will speak louder than words.  I am not trying to stick up for the addict here but I know that there will be a huge difference in the addict who is in true recovery and the addict who is for their spouse and not for their own personal safety and progress.  

I remember being in traffic jambs before thinking that all these idiots need to get going because I have places to be and things to get done.  Not once did I ever consider that a family may have just been turned upside down due to the actions of others and they could all be in a lot of pain and suffering.  Well, that is where my thoughts turn these days.  Getting on the freeway the other day I was in tears on the phone with my wife because I was hoping and saying a prayer in my heart that nobody was seriously injured or killed. in an accident that I had passed on the road.  That may sound a little ridiculous but it is true.  The compassion that I have on others is real now.  This is even more evident with the feelings that I have for my family and specifically my wife.  In Maurice Harker's book "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay, and That's Okay" it states "First. These men are patient with how long it takes for their women to recover from the pain that has been caused. The male brain is designed to "move on" and forget the past much better than a woman's mind. Many men think that women WANT to hold on to the past. The men who handle this correctly stop thinking they comprehend the mind of their women. They learn to be patient and have trust that the woman will heal and leave behind the past as fast as she can. Please note that there is no joy for her to remember painful events in the past. In fact, it hurts her more than it hurts you. Compassion is a much more useful response than frustration. It is selfish to make it all about YOUR pain when the past is discussed, when it is time for HER pain to be discussed and resolved."  Some of the attributes that have come to me are patience and compassion.  I have not been out there reading books on how to get these but rather just following the will of my Savior.  I know that as I continue to do this and follow his example that these attributes will follow.  This has been very evident to me as I have changed without trying to change.  

Becoming aware of my feelings has been very insightful.  The deep love I have for my family (wife, kids, parents, in laws, siblings, and so on) is so intense.  I will do anything to protect them.  I love them on a much deeper level.  In the "Proclamation to the World" which Maurice also refers to, it talks about the three items the man of the household should be doing; preside, provide and protect.  All of these are very hard to do when there are no feelings.  I know now that with the feelings I have I want to do nothing more in life than preside, provide and protect my family.  I want to do these over anything else because I know that my Father in Heaven wants me to.  Not only do I want to do these because my Father in Heaven wants me to but it is now this burning desire inside me to make sure that my family is being taken care of.  The deep feeling of compassion for my family is more intense than ever.

I will continue to fight for my family.  I will fight for their needs.  I will fight to protect them.  I will fight for their freedom.  I will fight to show them the way to the Savior.

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Cherae and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Brandon

THE CHANGE

   

      In 10 days it will be the 10 month mark for when mine and Brandon's new life began.  10 months ago I would never have guessed I would be where I am today, let alone be where I am and still married to Brandon. Would I do it all differently if I had to do it over? No. If I had the opportunity to chose a different path for my life, would I? No (as tempting as it is). I am who I am today because of the events that have transpired in my life. I am a different person than I was 10 months ago.   I am stronger- I have proven to myself that I can do hard things. I hope to never have to endure something as painful as the last 10 months again, but I know if I'm faced with the challenge I can do it. I can do hard things. I am courageous. There are so many things to fear in this trial. I know fear comes from the adversary and although I do feel fearful sometimes, I have to remind myself of the courage it has taken to pick myself up, brush myself off, put one foot in front of the other, and hold my head high. I have found compassion where I never thought I could. Instead of hate and anger that I could so easily feel for addicts I feel sympathy, sorrow, and love. Although they are hurting their loved ones deeply, they are also hurting themselves with the help of Satan and they aren't in a place where they can even recognize that.  I have always had a really hard time taking ownership of my participation in arguments, especially when it comes to an apology.  Brandon would always be the one to apologize, just to get the argument over.  I now realize my part in a disagreement, or when I may do or say something out of line.  I have no problems saying I'm sorry now.  It used to make me feel weak and vulnerable to apologize.  I know now that an apology is not a sign of weakness but of strength.  I feel empowerment. I have realized that I don't need others to create my happiness for me. I also don't have to put up with any treatment from others that I'm not comfortable with.  I understand love in a deeper fashion.  Don't get me wrong I have always loved my husband but I can look back and see that the love I had for him had restrictions on it to protect myself from unwanted pain.  The change that Brandon has made in himself has helped to lift those restrictions so I can love him unconditionally.  I now have a desire to let my love for him grow.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ is stronger and more solid than it ever has been.  I have had to totally trust and rely on my Heavenly Father to get me though these trials, to bless me with the strength, courage, compassion, and love that I so desperately needed to become the person I am.  I have had to rely on the Atonement of my Savior to help me forgive others for the wrongs that have been committed against me, and to be forgiven of the wrongs I myself have committed towards others.  Today, 10 months later, I am a better person than I was yesterday, the day before that, and 10 months before that. I will be a better person tomorrow because I will have one more day of this fight underneath me, and one more day of growth behind me.
        Now I need to give credit where credit is deserved.  That credit needs to be given to Brandon.  None of these changes would have been made had it not been for Brandon and his life choices.  I'm not using sarcasm here.  Like I have said before I believe that the things that happen to us are not mistakes.  They may be unfortunate circumstances, but there is a rhyme to every reason and sometimes things that may look unfortunate to us end up being worth all the fortune in the world.  Fortunately Brandon's life choices have made him who he is today as well.  The "new" Brandon, as we call him, is now the husband I have always desired and the person he has always deserved to be.  He has changed in so many ways for the better.  I am hoping I can describe the changes in the way they deserved to be credited.  These are MY observations of him.  Brandon is real now.  He is not putting on an act, He is not pretending to be someone or something he is not.  Since he has been in recovery he told me that when he was in his addiction he wanted others to think highly of him.  He wanted to drive a nice car, wear nice clothes, appear as though he had endless amounts of money.  It was all about appearances for him.  He now cares more about what God thinks of him than what others do.  He drives a well used 2002 Honda civic, he still dresses nicely (because I buy his clothes for him) but would wear rags if he had to, and he is humble about his finances.  His reasoning for all of this, is because none of it matters.  And he is correct.  What matters to him now is his relationship with his Heavenly Father, and his family.  Many times Brandon's had an air of arrogance about him that was very hard for me endure when I would try to express my feelings of hurt, or anger, or lack of trust I had in him.  He has since humbled himself and has swallowed his pride.  He does acts that are of the Lords will and not his own.  Brandon shows endless amounts of compassion now.  He is now the one who has to bring to light that, I don't know what others are going through, when I may have moments of frustrations with them.  He is a "give them the benefit of the doubt"  kind of person now.  Brandon's temperament is completely opposite of what it use to be.  Brandon had no reservations about yelling at our children.  To the point of embarrassment for me.  I cringed when he would yell.  It was never violent or abusive, just very unbecoming of him.  He no longer yells, let alone raises his voice.  He is calm and collective in parental situations that would have caused him great anger in the past.  Brandon use to be selfish in only ways that I was able to see.  I was quite often disappointed in his lack of concern or care for me.  He now looks for and executes any way to serve me or our kids.  Whether it be doing the dishes for me, giving me a back rub because he knows how much I love them, looking for a special treat to buy the kids when at the store, or making the decision to write me an email exposing who he is and what he's done.  The later was his first selfless act in starting his new life. Brandon faithfully serves his Father in Heaven.  He strives each day to live his life that would be pleasing unto his Heavenly Father, always trying to do good, be positive, and serve others.  Brandon has, through his daily actions, emotions, and tender physical touches, shown love to me that I've never felt before from him.  I've always questioned whether his love for me has been genuine or not.  I now have no doubts about how much he loves me, due to his actions alone.
      I want to make it clear that  Brandon was never a horrible person, he has always been a good person, with a desire to do whats right.  He has ALWAYS been respectful (with the exception of what the addiction drove him to do) of me and my kids, and has always been kind to me.  I know all of the above negative character traits came from the addiction.  I now know that was never who he really was.  Addiction masks so much of a person, and robs them of who they truly were meant to be.  I am so grateful Brandon has been able to not only surface from this addiction but to rise above it and fight it.  I love my husband,  I will always love him.  I respect him, something I have never done before.  I am so grateful for his desire to do whats right, bettering himself, and therefore being able protect and abide over our family.  I am grateful for the spirit that is able to abide in our home now.
      Together, with the changes that we have both made I would dare say this is a recipe for an almost perfect marriage.  With Brandon by my side, I hope to change the world one person at a time.  Starting with ourselves.

I fight for the change in people to become who they are meant to be!

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Brandon and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Lots of Love,
Cherae

WARRIOR WOMAN

     The other night I was trying to get Brandon to understand what this fight has been like for me.   I really wanted him to get a good feeling for how I feel during this time, and for the things I'm trying to work through and how I'm trying to do it.  So I told him a story.  For me, analogies are a much easier way for me to really understand things.  So that being said I'd like to tell you the same story.  I hope I can retell it well enough for you to FEEL what its like for me and many other women in the battle stages of fighting for our family.

     There is a war going on right now.  It happens to be one of the biggest wars ever.  The enemy (satan) has over 7,000 years of war experience under his belt.  He is good.  In fact he is better than good, he is the master of war and destruction.  He has millions of soldiers on his side, they are all just as cunning and deceitful as he is and they have almost as much experience as he does.  A lot of the battles he goes into are over within seconds, him being the victor.  This enemy is someone to be very concerned about.  

     There is a woman (myself) who has been living a life that for the most part she has been pleased with.  She's happy with where she lives and has felt safety all around her.   She has a constant companion in her life (husband) who she has always felt would protect her if anything out of the ordinary ever crept into her life.  This woman had a radio (God) that she would listen to sometimes more often than others, and sometimes she would turn the radio down when she wasn't feeling up to listening.  She knew that if she lived her life right she would receive instruction through

this radio on how to keep herself safe from all harm.   She was aware that there was a waging war out there, but never for one moment thought that, the war would find her.  But it did.  And she was terrified.  

     She saw the enemy from afar, and wondered how she was ever going to fight this war alone.  She then remembered that she had a trusted companion by her side that would do all he could to keep her safe and help her fight the enemy.  She turned to her companion so they could put a game plan together but he wasn't there.  Before she could turn to look for him she felt the most excruciating  pain between her shoulder blades.   A knife having stabbed her in the back, she fell to the ground and started to fade, but not before she was able to see her companion standing there holding a knife in his hands dripping with blood.  As she awoke she saw the army on the horizon and despite the pain she was in she slowly, painfully stood up and did the best she could to brush herself off.  Her companion still standing there trough tear stained eyes, holding the knife, was apologizing profusely as to what he had just done and frantically asking her what he could do to help. Telling her he didn't mean to hurt her, it wasn't him, he didn't know why he was holding a knife.   This women now knew that she was now facing this army alone.  She couldn't trust this fellow soldier.   To her she was not only up against this giant army alone, but standing in front of her was what she now thought to be a trader.  She was alone. ALL ALONE.  No one to help her, to battle with her, or to save her.  She was injured, she needed help and she wasn't going to get the help that she needed where she was.  She had to use her radio and called for help.  

     Help came, but not in the form she expected.  She had indeed tuned into her radio, and the voice on the other end of the radio had told her to give her fellow soldier another chance.  She couldn't believe what she was hearing! She challenged him "but Commander, he used his knife to stab me in the back.  How can I trust this soldier to aid me when he tried to kill me?"  The Commander in his calm voice told her again to give this soldier another chance.   With the radio in one hand, and a look of sheer shock on her face she looks at her fellow soldier still holding that knife in his hands and questions him on what he plans on doing with that knife.  His response was something she never expected to hear.  He told her that his intention with that knife was never to hurt her.  His intentions were to stand by her side throughout the entire war, to protect her and to make sure she made it through unscathed.  But just as he was about to take her side his commander came through on his radio giving him orders to "take the woman out".  He was horrified! Debating on whether or not to argue with a commanding officer he politely responded with a "I'm sorry sir, but I will not do that".  His commander then started to fill his mind with lies about this woman.  To the point where the soldier was finally convinced that "taking the woman out" would be the best thing to do.  And so went the attempt on her life.  The woman was confused at this story and asked to look at his radio.  She noticed that it had been tampered with, and knew that what this fellow soldier thought he was hearing as his commander was truly the enemy in disguise.  She pointed this out to the soldier and he was immediately aware of the trap he had fallen into.  Sorrow filled his heart.  And she then knew that this soldier had been deceived by the enemy, just like so many others.  She made it her mission to give it her all and fight against the injustice this enemy placed upon so many of her fellow beings especially the one one she cherished the most.

     This woman came to realize she has a weapon of her own (the spirit).  She's had it all along and it has helped her throughout her life.  It is so small that she had forgotten about it at times, but it is a very potent weapon .  She can now use this weapon to help her in the war that she is facing.  It is something that she has to fine tune every day.  It is a weapon that if she handles with care it will get her far.  It comforts her to know that she can rely on this weapon when she has doubts about her fellow soldier and his intentions.  This weapon will help her to make the correct decisions in order to win this war.  This weapon is priceless.  Her commander gave it to her long ago as a gift, and knew that one day she would understand that this weapon would be crucial in the healing of her wounds, the trusting of others, and becoming a Warrior Women in a war that she WILL win.  

I fight for all my fellow Sisters, who's hearts have been broken, and I fight for my husband to be free from satans bondage.

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Brandon and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Lots of Love,

Cherae

     

     

     

THE UGLY TRUTH

 

          I would like to address this post to those who have a sexual addiction.  For those of you who are addicts I would like to give you a perspective on what its like to be the wife of an addict.  I know your wife can explain this until she's blue in the face, but I hope to give you a different perspective.  I can dare say that nothing I tell you won't be something you haven't already heard.  Hopefully hearing it from someone other than you wife will give you some new insight on this subject.  In one of my previous posts I mentioned  that I am going to be completely honest and real in this blog.  This post is going to be one of those honest and real posts.   Brandon is 279 days sober and for that I am SO forever grateful, but that also means I am 279 days struggling.  Yes I struggled before I knew the truth, but that was a different kind of struggle.  I know the truth now, and knowing ALL that I know brings on a whole new set of struggles.  I struggle with the fact that this is now my life.  I am the wife of an addict.  That will never change.  Oh how I wish it could, but it won't.  That being said, I am relieved to KNOW that I am a wife of an addict instead of being in the dark about it.   Being the wife of an addict brings on many issues.   I have been struggling with trust, trauma, betrayal, anger, sadness/depression, and sometimes just not caring.  The wife of any addict will tell you that their live is one big roller coaster.  One that I'm hoping that with time for me, will start to smooth out quite a bit instead of these steep hills I keep plummeting down.
     
         Trust doesn't exist.  At least for now.   I have been lied to ever since I have met Brandon, which was way back in 1993.  The difficulty with this is yes, he has been honest for the past 9 months, but he has lied to me for the 20 years previous to that.  Im hoping in time that trust will return.  Trust is something that is earned, and that is a hard enough feat in and of itself.  So when you destroy it, its that much harder to earn it back.  When I go to my recovery meetings one thing I hear a lot of women say, and I have to agree is that the lying is what is hard to get over.  Of course the sexual addiction, and addiction pornography is devastating,  but the lying is so hard to recover from.  There are some days or even weeks that are hard.  There have been a few situations that have made Brandon look like he is lying, and have looked really bad for him.  As hard as he tries to explain the truth to me, I can't allow myself to believe him.  In my mind I tell myself I won't fall for those excuses ever again.  Which then leads me into the feelings of betrayal I have.  I feel as though I didn't have all of the information available to me when I said "yes" to his marriage proposal.  In my mind I look at that and can't help but feel that all this betrayal could have been avoided had I been given all of the info up front and made a more clear decision at that point of proposal.  I feel the betrayal of him choosing other women when at one point he chose ME.  Why choose anyone, when you seem to want everyone? Why would he betray his wife?  HE chose ME, HE asked ME to marry him,  I didn't.  And so then starts my cycle of doubt-  Am I doing the right thing by staying married? Why am I allowing myself to suffer this way when I can just end this relationship?  Why would he do this to me all over again?  If he truly loved me why would he do this?  Do I love him enough to stay?   I have to fight these questions and many others to long to list, anytime something suspicious comes up, which, being married to an addict happens almost on a daily basis.  I can get into some really dark places when these questions start taking over.  They can consume ones mind if allowed.  When this happens I envision myself walking along the rail of a fence.  Focusing ever so intently on walking that straight line (the straight line being sanity) all the while trying to thwart those questions and thoughts that are attacking me from both sides of the fence.  If I can get through the day having balanced myself on the rail without having been pushed off one way or another then it was a successful day.  Somedays it takes all the effort I have to just to put one foot in front of the other on this rail.  And then to be attacked from both sides (thoughts, questions, fears) it can make for emotionally draining day.
     
        Through out this journey of mine I have felt as though I have lost my husband.  And for me, I did.  I lost the person I thought I married (turns out he never existed) so for me, and other women we go through some of the same grieving processes that those who really do lose a loved one go through. Anger is the second stage of the grieving process.  Thankfully it is fading for me, and I know thats because of the Atonement.  And lets be honest I don't want to live my life an angry person.  What good will that accomplish?  My life has been affected enough from this addiction.  I will not let it make me a bitter angry woman.  But to some, the anger and bitterness can last a very long time.  Satan LOVES anger.  He annihilates the man (women too, but I'm speaking with the point of view who's husband is an addict) with this addiction, and most never see it coming and some don't even recognize when it is upon them.  Some however, do recognize it, be it sooner or later and they do everything they can to fight against it, doing everything they need to, to not let satan take one more moment of their life.  Satan knows he doesn't have that man in his grasp anymore and thats when he turns to the wife and tries to destroy her and her family.  I will hand it to him he's got himself some good tools to work with at this point.  Anger being a huge one.  What woman wouldn't be angry at the misbehaviors, and betrayal of her husband?  There is no set time limit of how long she will be angry, but I hope for her sake and her families sake she will not let it consume her.
   
         Like I mentioned, the grieving process we go through has stages.  One of which is depression (and I add sadness).  We are sad that the ONE person who is supposed to be there for us, comfort us, and protect us, turns out to be the ONE person who destroys us (with the help of satan of course).  This roller coaster I spoke of earlier has a few different destinations, one of which is depression.  There have been so many times though out the last 9 months where I feel numb, I don't care anymore what happens, I want to be alone, I want to run away and hide, never to surface again, and I certainly don't want to stay married to this man.  After a month or so in the beginning of trying to deal with this sadness/depression on my own, I realized I wasn't cutting it myself, and got on an antidepressant.  I wasn't strong enough mentally to deal with it despite my efforts.  There were times that I kept trying to get off of the medication because I didn't want to have to take something to help me be mentally sane due to the effect that someone else's actions had upon me.  I tried multiple times to quit taking it but I would end up feeling "crazy" in my mind.  So I returned to taking the medication.  I eventually got off of it, and for me that has worked.  For a lot of women it is something that they might have to be on for the rest of their life.  And that is ok.

        Husbands, I will do the begging and pleading that I know your wives so desperately do them selves.  PLEASE come clean.  PLEASE don't WASTE one more day being a slave to your addiction.  PLEASE seek help.  PLEASE recognize your individual worth.  PLEASE humble yourselves before God, and turn you will over to Him.  PLEASE stop hurting your wife.  Here you may think that telling her will hurt her worse.  What you may not realize is that by doing the things you are doing you are creating an even deeper pain that will have longer lasting effects and be harder to overcome.  What you are not aware of are the effects that this addiction is having on you.  Ive seen it from both sides.  I lived unknowingly as a wife of an addict for 15 years, but I always knew.  I may not have know details, but I knew.  Now, KNOWING that I am the wife of an addict I can work on helping my marriage become better, supporting my husband, and strengthening myself and my family.  When Brandon came clean he not only relieved himself of all his secrecy, he freed me from the bondage I had been in of knowing "something wasn't right, but couldn't prove it".  Brandon coming clean was the most selfless thing I have seen that man do.  He made it so that we both could start to move forward and stop being in the stagnate state we had been in for 15 years.

          As I reread all that I have wrote above a part of me doesn't want to post this because of the "ugly" content it contains.  It makes life look bleak, difficult, and so undesirable.  But because of the "ugly" above, I am now free, and I am going to take that "ugly" and turn it into something BEAUTIFUL!  I want you all to know that I do not feel that "ugly" everyday.  In the beginning, yes I did.  Over time, and with the help of the Atonement I am able to have really good days in between, and those really good days happen more often than the bad days.  I know that it will only get better.  My roller coaster will eventually turn into a boring, flat, straight ride. And I'm ok with that.

        The Atonement is not only for overcoming death and sin, but it is also for healing our pain, our sorrow and every other affliction.  "Through His Atonement, He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions". -Elder C. Scott Grow


I fight to help free those who are ensnared in the trap of sexual addictions, and for their spouses who suffer from those addictions

Lots of love,
Cherae