THE UGLY TRUTH

 

          I would like to address this post to those who have a sexual addiction.  For those of you who are addicts I would like to give you a perspective on what its like to be the wife of an addict.  I know your wife can explain this until she's blue in the face, but I hope to give you a different perspective.  I can dare say that nothing I tell you won't be something you haven't already heard.  Hopefully hearing it from someone other than you wife will give you some new insight on this subject.  In one of my previous posts I mentioned  that I am going to be completely honest and real in this blog.  This post is going to be one of those honest and real posts.   Brandon is 279 days sober and for that I am SO forever grateful, but that also means I am 279 days struggling.  Yes I struggled before I knew the truth, but that was a different kind of struggle.  I know the truth now, and knowing ALL that I know brings on a whole new set of struggles.  I struggle with the fact that this is now my life.  I am the wife of an addict.  That will never change.  Oh how I wish it could, but it won't.  That being said, I am relieved to KNOW that I am a wife of an addict instead of being in the dark about it.   Being the wife of an addict brings on many issues.   I have been struggling with trust, trauma, betrayal, anger, sadness/depression, and sometimes just not caring.  The wife of any addict will tell you that their live is one big roller coaster.  One that I'm hoping that with time for me, will start to smooth out quite a bit instead of these steep hills I keep plummeting down.
     
         Trust doesn't exist.  At least for now.   I have been lied to ever since I have met Brandon, which was way back in 1993.  The difficulty with this is yes, he has been honest for the past 9 months, but he has lied to me for the 20 years previous to that.  Im hoping in time that trust will return.  Trust is something that is earned, and that is a hard enough feat in and of itself.  So when you destroy it, its that much harder to earn it back.  When I go to my recovery meetings one thing I hear a lot of women say, and I have to agree is that the lying is what is hard to get over.  Of course the sexual addiction, and addiction pornography is devastating,  but the lying is so hard to recover from.  There are some days or even weeks that are hard.  There have been a few situations that have made Brandon look like he is lying, and have looked really bad for him.  As hard as he tries to explain the truth to me, I can't allow myself to believe him.  In my mind I tell myself I won't fall for those excuses ever again.  Which then leads me into the feelings of betrayal I have.  I feel as though I didn't have all of the information available to me when I said "yes" to his marriage proposal.  In my mind I look at that and can't help but feel that all this betrayal could have been avoided had I been given all of the info up front and made a more clear decision at that point of proposal.  I feel the betrayal of him choosing other women when at one point he chose ME.  Why choose anyone, when you seem to want everyone? Why would he betray his wife?  HE chose ME, HE asked ME to marry him,  I didn't.  And so then starts my cycle of doubt-  Am I doing the right thing by staying married? Why am I allowing myself to suffer this way when I can just end this relationship?  Why would he do this to me all over again?  If he truly loved me why would he do this?  Do I love him enough to stay?   I have to fight these questions and many others to long to list, anytime something suspicious comes up, which, being married to an addict happens almost on a daily basis.  I can get into some really dark places when these questions start taking over.  They can consume ones mind if allowed.  When this happens I envision myself walking along the rail of a fence.  Focusing ever so intently on walking that straight line (the straight line being sanity) all the while trying to thwart those questions and thoughts that are attacking me from both sides of the fence.  If I can get through the day having balanced myself on the rail without having been pushed off one way or another then it was a successful day.  Somedays it takes all the effort I have to just to put one foot in front of the other on this rail.  And then to be attacked from both sides (thoughts, questions, fears) it can make for emotionally draining day.
     
        Through out this journey of mine I have felt as though I have lost my husband.  And for me, I did.  I lost the person I thought I married (turns out he never existed) so for me, and other women we go through some of the same grieving processes that those who really do lose a loved one go through. Anger is the second stage of the grieving process.  Thankfully it is fading for me, and I know thats because of the Atonement.  And lets be honest I don't want to live my life an angry person.  What good will that accomplish?  My life has been affected enough from this addiction.  I will not let it make me a bitter angry woman.  But to some, the anger and bitterness can last a very long time.  Satan LOVES anger.  He annihilates the man (women too, but I'm speaking with the point of view who's husband is an addict) with this addiction, and most never see it coming and some don't even recognize when it is upon them.  Some however, do recognize it, be it sooner or later and they do everything they can to fight against it, doing everything they need to, to not let satan take one more moment of their life.  Satan knows he doesn't have that man in his grasp anymore and thats when he turns to the wife and tries to destroy her and her family.  I will hand it to him he's got himself some good tools to work with at this point.  Anger being a huge one.  What woman wouldn't be angry at the misbehaviors, and betrayal of her husband?  There is no set time limit of how long she will be angry, but I hope for her sake and her families sake she will not let it consume her.
   
         Like I mentioned, the grieving process we go through has stages.  One of which is depression (and I add sadness).  We are sad that the ONE person who is supposed to be there for us, comfort us, and protect us, turns out to be the ONE person who destroys us (with the help of satan of course).  This roller coaster I spoke of earlier has a few different destinations, one of which is depression.  There have been so many times though out the last 9 months where I feel numb, I don't care anymore what happens, I want to be alone, I want to run away and hide, never to surface again, and I certainly don't want to stay married to this man.  After a month or so in the beginning of trying to deal with this sadness/depression on my own, I realized I wasn't cutting it myself, and got on an antidepressant.  I wasn't strong enough mentally to deal with it despite my efforts.  There were times that I kept trying to get off of the medication because I didn't want to have to take something to help me be mentally sane due to the effect that someone else's actions had upon me.  I tried multiple times to quit taking it but I would end up feeling "crazy" in my mind.  So I returned to taking the medication.  I eventually got off of it, and for me that has worked.  For a lot of women it is something that they might have to be on for the rest of their life.  And that is ok.

        Husbands, I will do the begging and pleading that I know your wives so desperately do them selves.  PLEASE come clean.  PLEASE don't WASTE one more day being a slave to your addiction.  PLEASE seek help.  PLEASE recognize your individual worth.  PLEASE humble yourselves before God, and turn you will over to Him.  PLEASE stop hurting your wife.  Here you may think that telling her will hurt her worse.  What you may not realize is that by doing the things you are doing you are creating an even deeper pain that will have longer lasting effects and be harder to overcome.  What you are not aware of are the effects that this addiction is having on you.  Ive seen it from both sides.  I lived unknowingly as a wife of an addict for 15 years, but I always knew.  I may not have know details, but I knew.  Now, KNOWING that I am the wife of an addict I can work on helping my marriage become better, supporting my husband, and strengthening myself and my family.  When Brandon came clean he not only relieved himself of all his secrecy, he freed me from the bondage I had been in of knowing "something wasn't right, but couldn't prove it".  Brandon coming clean was the most selfless thing I have seen that man do.  He made it so that we both could start to move forward and stop being in the stagnate state we had been in for 15 years.

          As I reread all that I have wrote above a part of me doesn't want to post this because of the "ugly" content it contains.  It makes life look bleak, difficult, and so undesirable.  But because of the "ugly" above, I am now free, and I am going to take that "ugly" and turn it into something BEAUTIFUL!  I want you all to know that I do not feel that "ugly" everyday.  In the beginning, yes I did.  Over time, and with the help of the Atonement I am able to have really good days in between, and those really good days happen more often than the bad days.  I know that it will only get better.  My roller coaster will eventually turn into a boring, flat, straight ride. And I'm ok with that.

        The Atonement is not only for overcoming death and sin, but it is also for healing our pain, our sorrow and every other affliction.  "Through His Atonement, He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions". -Elder C. Scott Grow


I fight to help free those who are ensnared in the trap of sexual addictions, and for their spouses who suffer from those addictions

Lots of love,
Cherae

TIME

     

        We all know the saying "Time heals all wounds", but have you ever really thought about that simple phrase.  I never have until recently.  In our society and in our ever present day and age we are a people of instant gratification.  We want everything NOW!  We have email because heaven only knows we can't wait for things to arrive in the mail.  Especially with jobs these days.  The postal service couldn't deliver mail fast enough for the things we need to do our jobs correctly.  There's "fast food" for the moments we don't want to, or don't have the time to cook.   And lets not look past electronics.  We have texting to immediately chat with someone because again, who wants to wait for the time it takes to correspond through the mail.  We use Google on a daily basis to find the answers to our questions while online, and if thats not enough we have Siri that we can ask and immediately get our answers.  All of these things are of great value to us.  I often wonder how we would possibly get through life without them, but the one thing that these instant resources don't teach us is patience.
       Through the first few days of Brandon's post disclosure oh how I wanted an instant fix.  Who wouldn't right?  The pain was almost to intolerable to bear, I needed it removed from me.  Not to mention how was I going to get through this unbearable trial?  TIME.  And unfortunately when you are put in situations such as mine, TIME also feels like your worst enemy.  During a session I had with Maurice (http://www.lifechangingservices.org) he told me about a specific culture who lived in the "now" due to how many natural disasters their country encounters each year.  They never know if there will be a tomorrow.  He told me of a form of meditation they use to live in the "now".  Find a moment and use all 5 of your senses.  Listen- to what is going on around you, even if you think your in a place where there is no sound if you listen you will find something.  Smell- your baby's blanket, a comforting scent, whatever is in the air.  See-your surroundings, a flower blossoming, the trees turning colors, a cloud covered sky, look around you.  Feel-touch something, or feel something touching you.  Taste- whether it be the gum you are chewing, or the lunch you may be eating, just really taste.   I recall a particular moment early on in my recovery that I was having a very hard time and I remembered this exercise Maurice had told me about.  I was in the shower sobbing, I sat on the floor of the shower and let the water fall on me and used all 5 of my senses.  I concentrated on nothing else but that moment and those senses, and while doing that I told myself over and over "right now in this moment you are safe".  Using that exercise got me through that moment that day.  I have used it many other times when feeling unsafe.
        Sometimes time seems to stand still.  Especially when every day is just like the one before.  I woke up every morning knowing that I was dealing with the effects of Brandons' actions, they were the same actions that effected me the day before, and the day before that.  Those actions were NEVER changing and NEVER going away, they were forever going to be a part of my life.  And so time stood still.  How do I fix the next day so his past actions would have a different effect?  (Now thats a loaded, million dollar question isn't it?) I prayed more, read scriptures more, pushed thoughts out of my head and replaced them with comforting ones,  and most of all I tried to change my outlook on the situation.  I started to look for the positives as to why this happened.  Changing my thoughts from "WHY ME", to "why NOT me"? And before long my days were not as still as they had been.  Time was moving again for me, and without realizing it that "time" was starting to heal me.  Now don't get me wrong here, there is ALOT more that we all need to heal than just "time".  But time is a big contributing factor into healing.
        Heavenly Father knows what our needs and wants are, and nine times out of ten we are not immediately granted those needs and wants.  They all take time, and during that time is when we grow in strength.  A Warrior never became a Warrior over night.  It takes time, and patience, and the proper training to become a Warrior.  We go through trials in our life to strengthen us, to teach us whatever it is we need to learn, and to prepare us for greater things to come.  A sweet lady told me recently of her deepest darkest moment in her life and in her depths of despair her brother told her that "what happened to her may have been a tragic accident, but it was no mistake".  Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes.  We are all going through the exact trials that we, ourselves need to be going through.  I encourage you to turn to your Heavenly Father during those trials, lean on him, know that he is there, and allow for "time" and the atonement to heal ALL your wounds.

Please take a moment to watch this short clip on The healing power of Jesus Christ
http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3736551143001


I fight for all of you who are struggling.  May peace be with you

Lots of love,
Cherae

LIFE LINES (PART 1)

        I have received many emails asking for directions of where to turn for support, and healing.  I feel as though I have become quite the expert in this area since I have had experience in searching these things out myself.  Most of them I have been involved with whether its been past or present.  I have had so many wonderful positive experiences participating within these groups.
        I should first start of with giving credit to four certain individuals.  The first two are B & J (for privacy sake I am only using there first initial).  They have been long time friends of ours and they have been though hell and back from J's own addictions.  They paved the way for us individually and helped point us in the right direction for recovery.  B had always been an angel in my eyes, and I look up to her in more ways than one can imagine.  She is truly an example of Christ.  She stuck with her husband through the deep and darkest moments in his life.  At times I didn't know how she did it.  Her persistence of being a supportive wife kept their family together.  She was and still is an amazing strength for her 3 young kids, who at times didn't have their dad living in the home.   She never sugar coated anything for me.  She told me like it was.  Sometimes I wondered why she couldn't have just softened things just a bit.  Looking back I am grateful for her bluntness, and lack of sugar coating.  It made me stronger quicker and helped me to accept the truth for the ugly beast it was.  I will always cherish the special friendship that I have with that sweet angel.  
        Jake and Polly are the second two.  What heaven sent angels they have been to us as well! Almost literally.  Jake is a recovering addict and Polly has worked in the anti porn industry for many years with such organizations as Women for decency and now is the director of public relations for Addo recovery.  They moved into our ward 1 month before Brandon came clean and I don't doubt for one moment that their move into our ward was a coincidence.  My bishop had told me there was another couple in our ward who was very open about this topic.  When he told me who they were I had no idea who he was talking about.  He had talked to them and given them our names (with our permission of course).  One day, closely follow the "confession" I had a few close friends over helping me deal with my life.  The door bell rang and I answered it.  It was Polly coming to introduce herself.  This was my first time meeting her and I felt a comfort about her knowing that here stood someone who could relate to me.  She wasn't able to stay for long, and with a group of women already there it wasn't really the time to dive into what help I needed.  She followed up with me in the days following.  I remember a particular day that I was desperately struggling.  I was home alone and feeling like I couldn't breath, let alone survive this new life of mine.  Again, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there stood Polly.  I couldn't speak, the tears just started flowing.  I knew in that instant she was sent to me that day from a loving Father in Heaven who knew what I needed in that very moment.  She came in and sat down with me and listened to me, gave me advice, and a direction to go for help and healing.  There have been numerous occasions since then that I have called her in tears asking for help to understand feelings I was having, fears I was facing, and how to get through my day to day functions.  She ALWAYS had good advice to give and I always walked away from her feeling so much better.  She is the one who I give credit to in helping me to really understand how to "let go, and let God".  Polly has a comedy blog that I would encourage you to check out.  http://www.comingtogrips.net.   In the beginning it was really hard for me to reach out.   I can't put my finger on why, all I wanted to do was isolate myself, not deal with it.  I would think thoughts like, talking to someone about this is not going to make me feel any better, and nothing anyone can say or do is going to heal me.  As much as that may or may not be true, its a start.  We all need a place to start our healing.  Mine started with  "B", and with Polly.  Those two life lines saved me.  They pointed me in the right direction and in my opinion gave me a head start in my recovery process.  I will always be ever grateful for them.
        Maurice W Harker, LPC (http://www.lifechangingservices.org).  That name says it all if you ask me.   Maurice is the man who had all the right answers for me.  He is the founder and director of "The sons of Helaman", which is a specialized self-mastery training system for young men who wish to overcome pornography and other sexual addictions, he also has a similar program that teaches the same concepts for adult men who are trying to overcome sexual addiction it is called "Men of Moroni".  Maurice Specializes in marriage therapy (especially of sexual misbehaviors are part of the problem).  He knows his stuff, and is very passionate about it.  He has helped me progress beyond measures in my recovery.   Life changing services also has a wonderful therapeutic group for women.  W-O-R-T-H, Women Of Rebirth Therapeutic Healing.  Within the month WORTH will be starting a  new in person group session, and on online one as well for those who don't live close by. This will be a free program led by a clinician that life changing services will offer.  It was very important and crucial for me to find a therapist in whom I trusted greatly.  Having previously been to him for marriage counseling I knew thats where I needed to turn for my "professional" healing.
        Addiction Recovery Program/ ARP (https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng).  This is the 12-step program put on by the LDS church.  It is free and they are held at many different locations, different times, and for different types of addictions.  They have one specifically for sexual addictions.  There are meetings for the addict and for the spouses of addicts.  The one I attend is for the wives of the addicts.  It is full of women who are looking for healing and recovery.  It teaches how to apply to atonement in your life to forgive  those who have wronged you.  It is amazing how much healing comes when you realize how to apply the atonement in your life.
        LifeSTAR (http://www.lifestarnetwork.com) is a great program for husband, wives and individuals who are looking for hope, healing, and recovery due to unwanted compulsive sexual behaviors and addictions.  This course was crucial for me in the early stages of healing.  It helps to explain the addiction, how it works, what its doing to their brains, how to find the root of why they turn to this addiction, how the addict can learn new behaviors that are healthy to replace the addictive ones, and how to heal.  It also really helped me to understand that the addiction is not about me or my weight, or how I look.  It taught me how to let Brandon "own" actions.  What he does is not because of me.  Im not responsible for the choices he makes.   LifeSTAR also has taught the both of us a much healthier way to communicate with one another and those around us.  Self care is also stressed in lifeSTAR.  Spending time on you.   Making sure you are taking care of yourself.  As women we tend to overlook our needs when we are in fight or flight mode.  Whether it be something as little as 5 min, it needs to be done.  When you are on an airplane receiving instructions on what to do in an emergency situation, the flight attendant tells the adult to first, put the mask on him or herself, and then the child.  You will be of no help to that child if you don't insure your survival first.  Take care of yourself!  Im not talking about being selfish, just enough time for you to step away from your troubles for and breath.
         Addo Recovery (http://addorecovery.com) has free 6 week on line recovery program for betrayal trauma.  They specialize in pornography addiction, sexual addiction, betrayal trauma, and other related issues.  I haven't started my course yet.  I've gotten so far as to sign up for it, and plan to begin in soon. This is where my good friend Polly now works and speaks highly of the help and healing that is offered.  *She did speak highly of them even before she started working for them*
        These are just a few of the many "LIFE LINES" that are out there to help with hope, healing, and recovery.  Not all of these will be for everybody.  You need to find the ones that work for you.  I would suggest trying many different ones.  You will find that each organization has something a little different to offer than the others.  For me it has been helpful in my recovery to be involved in a few at a time.
        Last of all, there are many different forms of "LIFE LINES".  They don't all come in the form of an organization as you well saw at the beginning of this post.  They come in many different ways.  My 4th child has been a lifeline for me.  I now know that she was reserved to come to our family just before the time of disaster was to strike to keep my mind distracted and focused on taking care of a toddler during a time of crisis.  She has preoccupied my mind and kept me company on many occasions when my older kids were at school and it was me and her alone at home.   Life lines come in the form of someone reading your blog and reaching out to you for hope and a life long friendship begins.  Life lines come in small miracles.  They are all around you.  You don't notice them until you are aware to start looking for them.  I pray for you all to search out and find the life lines that are best suiting for you in your healing and recovery process.

I fight for My healing, and for Brandon's recovery  

Lots of love,
Cherae