This post may be really lame to the average Joe because it is all about my feelings. I have been so out of touch with my feelings for so long now due to the addiction that each day I feel the smoke clear just a little bit more. The numbing that the addiction has done to my feelings is incredible (and not in a good way). My recovery has caused me to look back, and realize that I really had so much less compassion than I thought I had, so much less love than I thought I had, and the list goes on and on. Through the reading and learning that I have done over the past 10 months has shown me that my brain was literally rerouting and looked like a piece of swiss cheese. I continue to feel the healing because I now have more feelings and am more sensitive to those feelings. I am not out there each day looking to see if I have these feelings but they are just showing up out of nowhere. It is remarkable.
I feel that I need to explain something here regarding my feelings towards my wife. This is going to sound so hypocritical of me and it is true. However, I really felt like even through my addiction I loved my wife. I feel like that was masked a lot but there was love for her. I just did not know how to express it or actually show her what love was. I never intended on hurting her even though my actions were contrary to my feelings towards her. Addiction will do that to anyone. The addict never has the intentions of hurting their loved ones. We just can't control our lives to show our true intentions. I understand that to the loved one of the addict it just sounds like a lame excuse. Well, over time the actions will speak louder than words. I am not trying to stick up for the addict here but I know that there will be a huge difference in the addict who is in true recovery and the addict who is for their spouse and not for their own personal safety and progress.
I remember being in traffic jambs before thinking that all these idiots need to get going because I have places to be and things to get done. Not once did I ever consider that a family may have just been turned upside down due to the actions of others and they could all be in a lot of pain and suffering. Well, that is where my thoughts turn these days. Getting on the freeway the other day I was in tears on the phone with my wife because I was hoping and saying a prayer in my heart that nobody was seriously injured or killed. in an accident that I had passed on the road. That may sound a little ridiculous but it is true. The compassion that I have on others is real now. This is even more evident with the feelings that I have for my family and specifically my wife. In Maurice Harker's book "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay, and That's Okay" it states "First. These men are patient with how long it takes for their women to recover from the pain that has been caused. The male brain is designed to "move on" and forget the past much better than a woman's mind. Many men think that women WANT to hold on to the past. The men who handle this correctly stop thinking they comprehend the mind of their women. They learn to be patient and have trust that the woman will heal and leave behind the past as fast as she can. Please note that there is no joy for her to remember painful events in the past. In fact, it hurts her more than it hurts you. Compassion is a much more useful response than frustration. It is selfish to make it all about YOUR pain when the past is discussed, when it is time for HER pain to be discussed and resolved." Some of the attributes that have come to me are patience and compassion. I have not been out there reading books on how to get these but rather just following the will of my Savior. I know that as I continue to do this and follow his example that these attributes will follow. This has been very evident to me as I have changed without trying to change.
Becoming aware of my feelings has been very insightful. The deep love I have for my family (wife, kids, parents, in laws, siblings, and so on) is so intense. I will do anything to protect them. I love them on a much deeper level. In the "Proclamation to the World" which Maurice also refers to, it talks about the three items the man of the household should be doing; preside, provide and protect. All of these are very hard to do when there are no feelings. I know now that with the feelings I have I want to do nothing more in life than preside, provide and protect my family. I want to do these over anything else because I know that my Father in Heaven wants me to. Not only do I want to do these because my Father in Heaven wants me to but it is now this burning desire inside me to make sure that my family is being taken care of. The deep feeling of compassion for my family is more intense than ever.
I will continue to fight for my family. I will fight for their needs. I will fight to protect them. I will fight for their freedom. I will fight to show them the way to the Savior.
We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar. Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Cherae and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight. We hope to see you all there. For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at 801-558-5952
Brandon
