GROUP THERAPY

First I want to thank all those who came to see our seminar with Maurice.  It was so great to see friends and family there to support us.  Thank you all.  I hope that you were able to take something away from the evening.

As I have been pondering some of the most important aspects of recovery for me it always comes back to group therapy.  There are many different groups to attend.  There are so many resources out there that are in a group setting that will be beneficial to anyone who is trying to get some sobriety.

The addiction forces isolation.  The isolation is one of the major forces of the addiction.  It is interesting to think of the isolation and how the adversary wants everyone to isolate because as one isolates they will draw away from God.  Once the isolation from God has begun then the individual will only continue to withdraw from everyone, coworkers, spouses, family and so on.  This was very true in my case.  If I was in a group setting it might have been fun but the pain of my actions would often want me to withdrawal and be alone.

As humans we want to be attached and have connections.  The adversary knows this and works very hard at getting anyone to create habits and fall into addictions so the isolation will begin.  God wants us to connect.  There will be connections in life that we come across that are meant to be.  We need to cherish those connections and draw nearer to the connections that we have already.

The greatest connection that we can have is the connection with our Heavenly Father.  As this connection secures more and more then everything else falls into place.  This connection in my opinion is the most important part of recovery.  I don't believe that one will fully recover without this connection.  Knowing that a loving Father in Heaven is there with open arms and is willing to help can get anyone out of the rut they may be in.  This connection is important for anyone even for anyone who is not suffering from an addiction.

The first time I want to an LDS Addiction Recovery Meeting I was shocked at how many others were there.  This was very eye opening to me to see actual people in a meeting that were talking openly about their addictions and how similar their struggles were to mine.  Sitting in this group meeting gave me a great sense of peace and comfort knowing that I am not alone.  The connections in these meetings is incredible.  Sitting in one meeting brought me to feel as though I was amongst brothers.  Today I know that I in any meeting I go to I am with brothers.  These connections are so awesome.
My first meeting at LifeStar was very powerful.  There were people there that I still talk to and feel very connected to.  

Sitting in a group and knowing that the others are faced with the same addictions creates a bond that cannot be created anywhere else.  Our Father in Heaven knows this.  Hence why we have quorums, wards, and so on.  We need to be together.  We need each other, we need the connections.

Recently I have been going to Men of Moroni (a group program put on by Life Changing Services).  I feel a strength and a bond with these men.  I want to be there every Sunday but family oftens takes priority at this point in my recovery.  This group of brothers is fighting for many things but mostly to be free from the addiction of pornography.  The spirit and power that is felt in these meetings is so powerful.  This group focuses on what the antidote is for the addiction, it is called warrior chemistry.  By learning how to defeat the adversary with warrior chemistry is powerful and it really works.  The principles are simple and gospel oriented.  I would encourage anyone who is looking for tools to overcome the adversary to get in this group.

I know that group therapy works.  I know that by getting into a group will only help the precession of recovery.  I know that the connections created in group will help the individual also connect with a loving Heavenly Father.  I know that the connection with Heavenly Father is necessary for complete recovery.

I continue to fight for my connection to Heavenly Father, I continue to fight to feel his love.  I fight for the love of my family and fight for better connections with them.  I fight for my brothers who are in recovery.

Brandon

FEELINGS REVEALED

This post may be really lame to the average Joe because it is all about my feelings.  I have been so out of touch with my feelings for so long now due to the addiction that each day I feel the smoke clear just a little bit more.  The numbing that the addiction has done to my feelings is incredible (and not in a good way).  My recovery has caused me to look back, and realize that I really had so much less compassion than I thought I had, so much less love than I thought I had, and the list goes on and on.  Through the reading and learning that I have done over the past 10 months has shown me that my brain was literally rerouting and looked like a piece of swiss cheese.  I continue to feel the healing because I now have more feelings and am more sensitive to those feelings.  I am not out there each day looking to see if I have these feelings but they are just showing up out of nowhere.  It is remarkable.  

I feel that I need to explain something here regarding my feelings towards my wife.  This is going to sound so hypocritical of me and it is true.  However, I really felt like even through my addiction I loved my wife.  I feel like that was masked a lot but there was love for her.  I just did not know how to express it or actually show her what love was.  I never intended on hurting her even though my actions were contrary to my feelings towards her.  Addiction will do that to anyone.  The addict never has the intentions of hurting their loved ones.  We just can't control our lives to show our true intentions.  I understand that to the loved one of the addict it just sounds like a lame excuse.  Well, over time the actions will speak louder than words.  I am not trying to stick up for the addict here but I know that there will be a huge difference in the addict who is in true recovery and the addict who is for their spouse and not for their own personal safety and progress.  

I remember being in traffic jambs before thinking that all these idiots need to get going because I have places to be and things to get done.  Not once did I ever consider that a family may have just been turned upside down due to the actions of others and they could all be in a lot of pain and suffering.  Well, that is where my thoughts turn these days.  Getting on the freeway the other day I was in tears on the phone with my wife because I was hoping and saying a prayer in my heart that nobody was seriously injured or killed. in an accident that I had passed on the road.  That may sound a little ridiculous but it is true.  The compassion that I have on others is real now.  This is even more evident with the feelings that I have for my family and specifically my wife.  In Maurice Harker's book "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay, and That's Okay" it states "First. These men are patient with how long it takes for their women to recover from the pain that has been caused. The male brain is designed to "move on" and forget the past much better than a woman's mind. Many men think that women WANT to hold on to the past. The men who handle this correctly stop thinking they comprehend the mind of their women. They learn to be patient and have trust that the woman will heal and leave behind the past as fast as she can. Please note that there is no joy for her to remember painful events in the past. In fact, it hurts her more than it hurts you. Compassion is a much more useful response than frustration. It is selfish to make it all about YOUR pain when the past is discussed, when it is time for HER pain to be discussed and resolved."  Some of the attributes that have come to me are patience and compassion.  I have not been out there reading books on how to get these but rather just following the will of my Savior.  I know that as I continue to do this and follow his example that these attributes will follow.  This has been very evident to me as I have changed without trying to change.  

Becoming aware of my feelings has been very insightful.  The deep love I have for my family (wife, kids, parents, in laws, siblings, and so on) is so intense.  I will do anything to protect them.  I love them on a much deeper level.  In the "Proclamation to the World" which Maurice also refers to, it talks about the three items the man of the household should be doing; preside, provide and protect.  All of these are very hard to do when there are no feelings.  I know now that with the feelings I have I want to do nothing more in life than preside, provide and protect my family.  I want to do these over anything else because I know that my Father in Heaven wants me to.  Not only do I want to do these because my Father in Heaven wants me to but it is now this burning desire inside me to make sure that my family is being taken care of.  The deep feeling of compassion for my family is more intense than ever.

I will continue to fight for my family.  I will fight for their needs.  I will fight to protect them.  I will fight for their freedom.  I will fight to show them the way to the Savior.

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Cherae and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Brandon

MY RECOVERY

For this post I want to share EVERYTHING that works for ME.  The important thing to realize is that these are personal and that everyone has a different path of recovery.  Through this path that I have been on I have realized that everything I do on a day to day basis is what keeps me sustained in sobriety and the sobriety helps me be a better person.  I know that my routines and attitude will keep me on this path for the rest of my life but I also know that I have to do this for the rest of my life.  I am happy to do whatever it takes so that I can feel the love my Father in Heaven has for me and keep my family together.

My Daily Routines:

• Prayer - I pray at least twice a day on my knees.  I think that prayer is one of the most important things for me.  It connects me to the one who has helped me most in my recovery.  When I pray I focus on the things I am grateful for.  Praying allows me to receive the promptings of the spirit.  It helps me focus on what I am doing here on earth and allows me to realize that I am just here to pass the test.  Most importantly it allows me to turn my will over to Heavenly Father.  Turning my will over each morning changes me each day.  At night I check in with Him.  I tell him about the day and I am accountable each day to Him.  He is the best accountability partner.  He knows my heart, He knows my thoughts, He knows my desires.  I am so grateful for prayer.  I find myself at work praying all the time and even when in traffic.  I will say that with faith I have had all my prayers answered.  I know my Heavenly Father is there for me.
• Journal - I never thought a journal would be so beneficial but it is.  I took the advice from a good friend who made the suggestion of doing a gratitude journal.  By writing the things that I am grateful for it changes me.  It helps me focus on a different outlook in life.  There are times when I write how the day was or special experiences that I had but I still write about the things I am grateful for that day.  Writing is a great avenue to express emotions.  Each day when I write I also note how many days of sobriety that I have.  I typically write the day after so that I make sure my days of sobriety are accurate.  My journal has become something that I look forward to and I feel my attitude change each day when I write.  
• Scriptures - My commute to work is about 40 min in the morning and can be up to an hour coming home.  I have been using this time to listen to the scriptures.  I love being able to put it on shuffle and listening to the different versus and chapters that bring me closer to my Savior.  This has become so important to me that I do this each day.  Even if it ends up being for 5 minutes I still need it.  The scriptures are part of putting on my armor.  I have a love for the scriptures that I have never had before.  I have become closer to my Father in Heaven by doing this each day and trying to understand the message.  I listen to the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants.  I enjoy listening to the war chapters and about the trials the saints faced.  It helps me realize that we have our own challenges at this time.  We are in a war and yes, we're being persecuted.  There is so much peace in reading the scriptures.  I love feeling the peace.
• Books - I love reading now.  I love learning and growing when reading about anything that helps me grow either spiritually or intellectually.  I was never much of a reader but find it very important for me to stay focused on my growth as an individual.  I also find it very peaceful when I am reading.  It is an opportunity for me to fill my mind with positive thoughts and then create positive actions.  The reading is essential.  When I am reading I can understand more about the tools that help me in recovery, learn about gospel principles and I can feel the spirit.
• Email/Text - this was a regular for me when I first started into recovery.  I would send Cherae an email every night and let her know how my day was going.  I still check in with her each night.  Checking in is vital.  It allows me to show my emotion and let her know exactly where I am each day.  This helps her so she can see I am being transparent and it helps me knowing that each night I GET to check in with my wife.  I do not want to disappoint her.  I also don't want to disappoint my Father in Heaven.  I have started this routine again so that she knows exactly where I am at since she does not read my journal and see how many days of sobriety that I have.  So, it is either a text or an email and I also let her know how important she is in my life and how much I love her.  It is hard for her to understand that I have always loved her.  Yes my feelings were masked but I have always loved her.  It makes me feel good knowing that I can now say without any feelings being masked that I love her so much and that she is so special to me.  She always has been and always will be.  Anyway, a text or email each day helps me focus on her.  She is part of my recovery.
• Find ways to create safety for my wife each day.  This is new for me.  I have just changed up my dailies this week and I want to do this each day.  Ask myself "how can I battle to create safety for my wife today".  Yes, it is a battle and I realize that I have many battles ahead of me. I think that everyone does in life but it is important for me to work my backside off so that she feels safe around me.  There are many times when she does not feel that so I am going to look at the train wreck I have created and fix it one piece at a time.  Creating safety for my wife is important for me and for her.  I know that as I continue to do this it will help our relationship.  

The dailies keep me in check a lot.  I also want to share what my check ins are with my wife each day so hopefully it will help others.  This is not rocket science, it is just being open.  Again, this works for me and if you end up putting a twist on it that is great if it works for you.  I check in with 5 categories; Physically - I state how I am feeling physically.  I could be tired or hungry or I could be sore from falling in a man hole (that really did happen), Emotionally - this one is important because it is when I realize that my emotions are off that is when I am being attacked.  Understanding this helps me recognize when my wife or kids are under attack as well.  Emotions are huge.  It is so important to realize where I am at emotionally at every hour of every day.  This is how the Adversary gets his foot in the door.  Spiritually - looking for the spiritual effects of the day or revelation or just an experience is important for me because it means that I am connected with God.  This is so important for me to know where I stand with Him and for me to realize that it is a gift for me to be here on this earth.  I feel the spirit when I am close to it so I look for it at all times during the day.  Yes, even at work, on the commute and all other times.  Sexually - this is where I tell my wife if I have had any slips, thoughts or temptations for the day.  I also let her know in this category if I have done anything that my Father in heaven would be disappointed about.  It helps me knowing that I have to report to my wife and if I have had a slip, she will know before I tell her.  I believe that women are naturally connected with God and with the spirit much more than men.  They know when something is off and can tell us before we even act out.  Sorry guys, that is just a fact.  Self Care - this is important because it means that I am taking time for myself.  It means that I care enough about me that I am going to do something that is important for me each day.  Some days are going for a bike ride with a friend and other days are reading a book or going on a date with my wife.  It does not need to be something that I do alone.  It is just important that I recognize that I am doing something that will benefit me for the day.  

Daily routines and check ins are something that were taught to me by a good friend who helped me get on the path of recovery before I even started going to any classes.  I am so thankful to him for getting me off on the right foot.  However, it takes one to really let go and let God for recovery to happen.  J and I were talking about this the other day.  One can go to class to show their spouse they are interested in getting help.  But 3/4 of the equation is really turning your life over to God.  It is my humble opinion that one will not get any recovery without the spiritual help.  

I fight for my wife's safety, I fight for her love.  I fight for the love of my Father in Heaven and I fight to feel the spirit each day.  I fight to help others along the way.  I fight because I want my brother who just passed away to know I am finally on the right path I want him to know I love him and will work hard the rest of my life so that I can one day be with him.

Brandon

TIME

     

        We all know the saying "Time heals all wounds", but have you ever really thought about that simple phrase.  I never have until recently.  In our society and in our ever present day and age we are a people of instant gratification.  We want everything NOW!  We have email because heaven only knows we can't wait for things to arrive in the mail.  Especially with jobs these days.  The postal service couldn't deliver mail fast enough for the things we need to do our jobs correctly.  There's "fast food" for the moments we don't want to, or don't have the time to cook.   And lets not look past electronics.  We have texting to immediately chat with someone because again, who wants to wait for the time it takes to correspond through the mail.  We use Google on a daily basis to find the answers to our questions while online, and if thats not enough we have Siri that we can ask and immediately get our answers.  All of these things are of great value to us.  I often wonder how we would possibly get through life without them, but the one thing that these instant resources don't teach us is patience.
       Through the first few days of Brandon's post disclosure oh how I wanted an instant fix.  Who wouldn't right?  The pain was almost to intolerable to bear, I needed it removed from me.  Not to mention how was I going to get through this unbearable trial?  TIME.  And unfortunately when you are put in situations such as mine, TIME also feels like your worst enemy.  During a session I had with Maurice (http://www.lifechangingservices.org) he told me about a specific culture who lived in the "now" due to how many natural disasters their country encounters each year.  They never know if there will be a tomorrow.  He told me of a form of meditation they use to live in the "now".  Find a moment and use all 5 of your senses.  Listen- to what is going on around you, even if you think your in a place where there is no sound if you listen you will find something.  Smell- your baby's blanket, a comforting scent, whatever is in the air.  See-your surroundings, a flower blossoming, the trees turning colors, a cloud covered sky, look around you.  Feel-touch something, or feel something touching you.  Taste- whether it be the gum you are chewing, or the lunch you may be eating, just really taste.   I recall a particular moment early on in my recovery that I was having a very hard time and I remembered this exercise Maurice had told me about.  I was in the shower sobbing, I sat on the floor of the shower and let the water fall on me and used all 5 of my senses.  I concentrated on nothing else but that moment and those senses, and while doing that I told myself over and over "right now in this moment you are safe".  Using that exercise got me through that moment that day.  I have used it many other times when feeling unsafe.
        Sometimes time seems to stand still.  Especially when every day is just like the one before.  I woke up every morning knowing that I was dealing with the effects of Brandons' actions, they were the same actions that effected me the day before, and the day before that.  Those actions were NEVER changing and NEVER going away, they were forever going to be a part of my life.  And so time stood still.  How do I fix the next day so his past actions would have a different effect?  (Now thats a loaded, million dollar question isn't it?) I prayed more, read scriptures more, pushed thoughts out of my head and replaced them with comforting ones,  and most of all I tried to change my outlook on the situation.  I started to look for the positives as to why this happened.  Changing my thoughts from "WHY ME", to "why NOT me"? And before long my days were not as still as they had been.  Time was moving again for me, and without realizing it that "time" was starting to heal me.  Now don't get me wrong here, there is ALOT more that we all need to heal than just "time".  But time is a big contributing factor into healing.
        Heavenly Father knows what our needs and wants are, and nine times out of ten we are not immediately granted those needs and wants.  They all take time, and during that time is when we grow in strength.  A Warrior never became a Warrior over night.  It takes time, and patience, and the proper training to become a Warrior.  We go through trials in our life to strengthen us, to teach us whatever it is we need to learn, and to prepare us for greater things to come.  A sweet lady told me recently of her deepest darkest moment in her life and in her depths of despair her brother told her that "what happened to her may have been a tragic accident, but it was no mistake".  Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes.  We are all going through the exact trials that we, ourselves need to be going through.  I encourage you to turn to your Heavenly Father during those trials, lean on him, know that he is there, and allow for "time" and the atonement to heal ALL your wounds.

Please take a moment to watch this short clip on The healing power of Jesus Christ
http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3736551143001


I fight for all of you who are struggling.  May peace be with you

Lots of love,
Cherae