One of the most important things to understand and yes it is difficult to understand but though I was doing horrible things behind my wife's back I still loved her. The love for her was real and the feelings I had for her were real but they were diluted due to the pornography. The love was not as strong as it could have been if I had been sober. Feelings are numbed by pornography. This is typical for all porn addicts. Pornography desensitizes so much that feelings actually take months to get back. But for those who are reading this and have a spouse who is an addict please know that the feelings can come back to the full extent that they once were before the addiction. Also know that the love that the addict has for you is real. How can one love and hurt the other person so bad? That is what addictions do. They take any common sense out of the way and allow the addict to fall on their face over and over and over with no hope in sight that there is a way out.
In December I found myself living with my parents about to lose everything. There was no way around these things that I was faced with and I was just going to put my shoulders back, keep my head up and fix this situation that I had created. However, none of this was going to be possible without the most powerful thing that we as humans feel, love. This love that I had felt from my Savior was what I needed to get out of the trench I had dug. It was incredible for me to see the love that Christ has for me and my family. Love is the most powerful feeling that can motivate a man who was in the depths of hell to get out and get on the right path to return to a loving Heavenly Father. There is no other way that I could have got out of the addiction cycle. I have no doubts that Christ loves us all and that once we FULLY allow him in our lives he will change our hearts.
There is a lot of hard work that needs to be done and surrendered by the addict in order to get the feelings back and I am still working on that each and every day. At 7 months of sobriety I feel more than I have in years past. I feel a deeper love for Cherae and for my family. I feel a deeper love for my Savior and I know that it is only due to his love for me that I can be where I am at today. I thank the Lord each day for His grace that he has placed on me for my sobriety. If Christ can show his love for me with all the horrible things I have done then yes, he will show his love for anyone.
In the end it will be love that saves each of us. It is the love from our Savior that will bring us peace in this life and in the life to come. It is love that can take a person from their darkest hour to their brightest hope. Love will conquer all.
I fight for the love of my Savior, I fight for my family, I fight for my own sobriety, I fight because I am so tired of being a pawn, I fight because I hate what I have done, I fight for freedom.
Brandon
Needed to read something like this. Thank you for sharing this. What was it that drove it home, confessing and forsaking? Why after that amount of time? And why was this time different?
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