Im not going to lie or sugar coat this in anyway. Those first few days were absolute HELL! If there were some other way to describe it I would. I remember thinking death wouldn't have been as painful as the truth. We've all seen those shows where the husband lives a double life and the wife has no clue. I remember watching and thinking oh those poor women, knowing little that one day I would be one of those "poor" women. When I read that email moments after just having walked into Kohls everything started to feel surreal. How could this be? This wasn't the person I had married. He wasn't capable of this! I know he's had problems, but this? No way! The list of betrayals went on and on and I felt I couldn't finish reading it yet I knew that right here in front of my eyes was the truth I had been seeking all these years. I think I went into shock at that moment. As I left the store I ran into some good friends and later found out from them they knew instantly from the look upon my face something definitely wasn't right. My friend immediately text Brandon and said "We just saw Cherae and she didn't look good, is everything ok?" Brandon responded with a "no it's not". I sat in my car with my head rested against my steering wheel sobbing. Is this really happening? I knew I needed to go home and get my kids but Brandon would be there. My desire to gather my kids up and run to my parents over powered the dread I felt to have to face him. When I got home he was indeed there. Though tears i just said "how could you"? I didn't even wait for a response before I turned and left. My poor kids had friends over and I was franticly telling them their friends had to leave NOW! They were in a panic. They knew something was seriously wrong. After all the friends left I called his parents, my parents, and my Bishop and asked them all to come to my home. I didn't know what purpose that would serve other than sheer comfort. While waiting for them I took my 3 younger children over to a close friend of mine's house (thankfully my oldest was out with friends). I was bawling and read them the email and asked them "does this mean I need to divorce him" The look on their faces said more than any other words ever could. They now were in the same state of shock I was. My girls were coming into the room us adults were in sobbing, not knowing what was going on and just asking, "are you and dad getting divorced"? It broke my heart over and over. I didn't know what to tell them. I responded with " I'm not sure whats going to happen right now. Dads made some bad choices and its hurt me really bad". Eventually I got the call from my parents that they were at my home along with my in laws. I left my girls at the neighbors house to spare them what I was about to get into with having to divulge details to our parents. Luckily Brandon wasn't there when I got home. It brought me such great comfort having both my parents, his parents and my Bishop there, yet my heart was absolutely broken, not one piece in tact. I now stood alone with out my spouse by my side having to make decisions I never thought I would have to make. Am I going to have to sell my house? Am I going to have to go back to work and leave my 2 year old home with a sitter? How are my children going to react when they find out mom and dad are divorcing? How will I ever get over this betrayal? Those are just a few of the many questions that were swarming my mind. My mother had her wits about her to tell me that I didn't need to make any decisions right now. And she was right. Running out to get a divorce right then wouldn't fix things. And so I waited. The good advice that a mother gives in times of crisis, is like an antidote for a deadly disease. I left with all my children in tow and went and stayed the night with my parents. My sister was living there at the time and she kicked her husband out of the bed for the night so I could sleep with her (bless that girls heart). The last thing I wanted was to be alone. And so that entails The Biggest Blow I've ever received. Through out all of the feelings I experienced that day one of the most consistent feelings, was that underneath all that was happening, everything would be ok. It was buried very deep but I felt it. And I know that it was my Heavenly Father doing his best to comfort me at such a dark time in my life. I knew that I needed to turn to him during this horrible crisis I was in and little did I know what his desires for me to do would be. I was in for a big surprise.
I am so grateful for those who were there in those critical beginning hours, and those who stepped in immediately following. I was desperately in need and many stepped up to the plate. They have been so supportive and served me in ways that I could never repay. My heart is so deeply full of gratitude. I am so thankful for a wonderful, loving supportive family and in law family. I am blessed for the example my parents have been to me growing up. I haven't always been the most obedient child and had times in my life that I myself have strayed from the path I should be on. But I always had a testimony buried deep inside of me that eventually brought me back to where I needed to be. I know its because of my parents righteous example that I had the testimony I did. I am luckily to have the good friends that I have now, that pulled me out of the dark murky hole I was dropped in, Brushed me off and help me get back on my feet. And most off I am so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who's love I so strongly felt from the moments this all started, and for my Saviors selfless sacrifice of atoning for us all.
In those dark hours I had some fight in me, but it took a few days for me to realize what that fight was.
Lots of love
Cherae
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