Dec 16, 2013
Here I was..... lost. Can't breath, can't think, can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus, can't care for my children. How am I supposed to function as a mother, when I can't even take care of myself? Thankfully this is where good friends came into the picture. One particular who we shall call "M". She pretty well ran my life for the first few days. Slept over so I wouldn't have to be alone at night, made my kids school lunches (thanks to her husband for loaning her to me and running their household so she could be of comfort to me) and much more. There was one particular time I woke up in the 5 am hour in sheer panic. I literally thought I was knocking on deaths door. I couldn't handle the horrific pain I was feeling. I didn't want to wake M since she had been up with me most of the night. I quietly left my room and found a spot where I wouldn't be heard and frantically called my mother in law. I needed something to help me but couldn't think clearly as to what. The only thing I could think of was the emergency room (as if the ER has ever been able to mend a broken heart). To say I was a wreck is a understatement. My mother in law, as hard as she tried could not settle me down. I was in the depths of despair. Some how M woke up and notice that I wasn't in bed so she set out to search for me. She found me, and sat by me trying her best to comfort me. And then she suggested something. "Do you want me to have my husband come over and give you a blessing"? DING DING DING! Why did I not think of that? a desperate, "yes please", were the only words I could muster up. At this time I was now on the phone with another dear friend trying to arrange for someone to drive Jr. high carpool for me (yes, that would've turned out great for me to be driving at this point) and almost at the same time M suggested a blessing she echoed it through the phone. At least those 2 were thinking clearly despite the early hour. Both of their husbands came to my home early in the morning and gave me a phenomenal blessing. One that was so much needed at that time. The words that were said were so direct, and precise for this particular occasion. I am forever grateful to all those valiant men out there who have, over the span of the last 7 months given me the blessings that I have needed and for the comfort their words brought me. That night, I really turned to my Heavenly Father and begged and pleaded for something, anything. I asked in my prayer that if He knew that Brandon would never hurt me to this degree again, to give me strength to work this through with him to keep my family together. My prayer was immediately answered, and that is when I knew what I was fighting for.
Journal entry dated 12/16/2013 (2 days after the big blow)
I've had my heart ripped out, torn into pieces, and then trampled on, and I'm proud to say I'm still standing. Some days a little taller than others, but regardless I'm still standing. Satan has waged a war with me that he's going to wish he never started. He's going to hear my feet hit the ground in the morning and say "oh no she's awake". He wants a fight? I'll give him one! NO ONE is going to try and tear my eternal family apart and think I'm going to sit back and take it. I will fight till my dying day for my family and that includes the man I love the most, yet who is responsible for my broken heart. I know he did not intentionally break it. Satan was using him as a pawn to do his dirty work.
Now I am not currently with my husband (he had moved out), but thats not to say I won't be again when he fights his demons and satan head on which I know he can do with the love and support of his Heavenly Father, Parents, and family. He may not be aware of it but I know he has the strength and courage to do it. He just needs to find it within himself. This is where the atonement comes in for the both of us. Brandon has done the hardest thing ever which was expose his horrible secrets, knowing it would cost him his family..... but would it? He showed blind courage in the moment he exposed himself. He exerted utter faith. Now I'm not going to say those were the qualities I thought of him the moment he was exposed, but I can say that today, 2 days later I have felt the true love of Christ and am starting to more fully understand what the meaning of the atonement is all about. If Christ can love unconditionally and forgive us ALL, of our sins regardless of how big or how small they may be then it is our job to follow his example. Im no better than Christ to say that I'm above forgiving Brandon. I am learning to forgive despite how much it still pains me. End of journal entry
I am still working on forgiveness 7 months later. Forgiving Brandon, and forgiving all of the people who have directly or indirectly played a role in aiding his addiction.
I have felt Gods divine hand in helping me through some very important decisions, and through the whole healing process itself. I would not, nor could not be where I am today were it not for HIS love and for my Saviors infinite atonement.
A wonderful quote that has really given me strength to pull through the hard times I have faced and still face on a daily basis is by Jeffrey R. Holland-
Don't you give up.
Don't you quit.
You keep walking.
You keep trying.
There is help and happiness ahead.....
It will be all right in the end,
Trust God
and believe in good things to come.
Keep on fighting!
Lots of love,
Cherae
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