In the days and moments following that catastrophic email I was in a bubble of hell. I spent many moments on my knees in prayer and always kept an ongoing prayer in my heart every second of every day. One of my first prayers was me pleading with my Heavenly Father as to what I'm supposed to do with this situation. I told him that I would be willing to work this out if all the secrecy and betrayal was over, but that I couldn't take anymore of it in the future. I then asked, if this addiction was to continue to please let me be free. I knew I had to do his will, despite what I wanted to do. I wanted to run as far away from this man that I no longer knew, but I had the distinct feeling that this awfulness was over. I knew right in that moment that I needed to stay married to Brandon and to help him through this battle. I had but a brief glimpse of my eternal family.... TOGETHER and realized that this life is but a mere moment in the grand eternities of it all. Not to mention I wasn't going to let the advisory win this fight. For those of you who know me know just how stubborn I am, which usually is to my disadvantage. But this time stubbornness was on my side.
Now that I knew Gods will for me to stay married I had to figure out how to digest it all and where to begin in picking up the pieces. I took it one day at a time. I communicated with Brandon through his parents. I had no desire what so ever to talk to him let alone hear his voice. I would make arrangements with his Mom to come get the kids so brandon could spend time with them. I would let the kids call him whenever they wanted to talk to him. Those phone calls usually ended with the kids in tears and me sick to my stomach when hearing his voice on the line. It would absolutely break my heart seeing the pain this was causing them. I would give them the best comfort that a confused and broken mother could, but I knew deep down they were dying inside.
Brandon lost his job a few weeks into this due to the effects of an addicts actions. So of course the time came when I had to face him to get our finances figured out. I asked his parents to be there because I knew there was no way I would be able to face him alone. We met at my in laws. I was in their office talking to the both of them when I saw Brandon walk through the door. Oh boy were my triggers going off like wild fire. I did not look at him once. I kept my eyes focused on the floor, all the while my legs were bouncing, I was fidgeting with my fingers. Any thing to try and keep me calm and not break down crying. I didn't even know this man in the room with me. I could sense his presence but it was not a familiar one. The conversation ended and I made my exit as quickly as possible and returned home allowing myself the breakdown I was trying so hard to suppress earlier.
I eventually went from using my in laws for communicating with Brandon, to emailing him. Im not much of an emailer so it was still an impersonal way to communicate with him. Not to mention I felt really horrible putting his parents in that position. I still had no desire to see him at this time, but one snowy day I got a phone call from a friend telling me to not go outside Brandon was out there. So what do I immediately do? I ran to the front window to look outside and there he is shoveling my driveway. He looked beaten down and broken himself, he looked utterly devastated. In those moments I was flooded with so many emotions. I was sick to my stomach, angry, confused, but the one that I remember feeling the strongest was sorrow. Here was a man, another human being who had messed up (royally) who was struggling in his lowest moments ever, and yet he was at my house shoveling my driveway. I would love to say that I had the courage to go out and talk with him. But I didn't. I stayed cowered down in my home.
Emailing then turned to texting. Each day I was feeling a little more alive. Not much, but bit by bit I was coming around. Texting was so much more convenient and quicker. Christmas was drawing close. As a Federico family tradition every year we go to dinner and a movie. I was faced with, do I go and put on my best face and be strong, or do I have my kids go without me and spend time with their dad. Brandon had offered to stay home so I would feel more comfortable going, but it was his family we were going with. He had every right to be there. I didn't want to miss out on that favorite family tradition with my kids so I made the decision to go. Talk about awkwardness. We were on texting terms but facing him was a whole different ball game. It was hard, it was very hard. He looked better though, his hair was cut and he was freshly shaven. I said as little as possible to him that night but the ice had been cut, not broken yet just cut. Next was christmas eve at his parents house, again I decided to go for my kids. I was trying to make things as normal as possible despite the HUGE elephant in the room. I then had to make the decision of having him over christmas morning or not. Now that was a difficult decision. I didn't feel I was prepared for a whole day of christmas cheer with him, but these were his children and he needed them Christmas day as much as I did. I invited him over with the stipulation that his parents come with him. I still didn't have the strength to be with him alone.
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