COURAGE

I remember sitting on the edge of the tub while my wife was getting ready on a Saturday.  She had discovered some of the things that I had done but not even close to the full extent.  She sat there and told me that she did not believe me and that there was more that I am not telling her.  I know that she was inspired as all women have this natural ability to feel the spirit when something is wrong in their family.  I am so grateful that women are inspired and have this ability to know when things are not right.  She was feeling it this particular day and every other day for the last 15 years I had lied to her telling her that nothing was wrong and that I don't know why she was feeling that way.  This day was different.  This was going to be the day that I told her my story and crawled out from under the rock I had been hiding under for two decades.  I was not sure of the outcome but knew that it was going to be really bad.  It was going to tear the family into pieces and I was not sure how it was going to come back together.  I knew that there was going to be a tremendous fight in front of me but knew that I was going to fight for it.  No matter what came of it or how she reacted I was going to fight for our family to be together.  It was going to be one of the worst days of my life but I knew that it had to happen for me to get better.  I had tried to get out of the addiction so many times with so many failed attempts.  When a loved one would pass away I would say to myself "that will never happen again", when one of our kids was close to getting baptized I would repeat the same thing, when we had a child I would say the same thing, I would delete an app and say I'm never going back there again, all of these cycles would pull me back in because I had not purged EVERYTHING.  Purging EVERYTHING is the only way that an addict will get better.  Holding anything back will only hinder the progress.  Letting a little bit out at a time does not start the healing progress.  For me, and keep in mind that everyone is different, but it was that simple and small act of courage to start the healing process.

One of my friends in ARP often refers to coming to group for the first time as opening the 10,000 pound door.  It takes a lot of courage to show up to the first meeting.  It is not easy but it is one of the best feelings ever.  Finding yourself in a room of guys who have been in your shoes, who love you and have compassion on you and your situation, who do not judge and only want to see you progress and will reach out to you to help you in any way get better.  

Remember, Christ is our older brother and has already paid the price for our sins.  He has been below us no matter what our situation is.  He is there for us with open arms no matter what we have done or are doing and will be there for us the second that we reach out.  The courage to reach out to our Savior is what it takes for our hearts to turn so that the addict can fully open up and start the healing process.  

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference".  It takes courage to change the things that we can.  It is not easy but is necessary for the healing to begin.

It is my prayer that those who are suffering from an addiction will have the courage to reach out, find the help they need, receive the help that is out there and feel the love that Christ has for them.  

It takes courage to fight.  I continue to fight for my family, for my wife who has been so good to me and I fight so that I will continue to have the spirit with me.  Looking at the path of destruction I have created each day takes courage.  It takes courage to face my demons.  However, I know that this is the only way that I can fix the things that I have done.  I love where I am at right now.  I love that I am building and not destroying.  I love that I have the spirit with me.  

Brandon