SUPPORT

I wanted to take a few moments and review the past year and thank all the avenues and people for the support that they have given me.  This past 16 months has been an amazing journey for me.  I have seen the darkest hours and I have seen the brightest of hope.  I have seen how to put recovery into action and I have seen what it does if no action is taken.  I have and continue to be active in my rolls in recovery.  However, having so much support around me helps so much.

Yesterday I was working on my bike and had Jake over to help out.  We were discussing recovery and how others can get help.  Jake just rolled out a site and I encourage all to check it out.  it can be found at recoverywithjake.org  Sitting in my garage with a good friend and knowing that if I need him to help me through a tough time and that he will be there for me is huge.  I think that men in general feel so weak if we need to ask for help.  In recovery, I see this all the time.  Men falling down because they are simply not asking for help.  I understand that prayer and help from the Savior is the first place support should be sought from.  I also believe that the Lord placed each of us on the earth to help others and that he wants us to learn from these type of experiences.  If the Lord did not work through others then what is our purpose in creating bonds with each other?

I admit, when I was in my addiction I was too prideful to reach out for help.  I though I could handle it and that this was something only I could fix.  Wow, how wrong was I.  After nearly 16 months of sobriety I have realized that I have needed everyone and every resource to get to where I am.  My Mom and Dad have been there and will continue to be there for me.  I have felt their love and support from day one when I was sitting on their couch telling them everything that I had been through.  I am still so grateful for their reaction.  They wrapped me in their arms and told me that we will get through this.  My in-laws have been the same way.  Although I know they are still very hurt at the pain I have caused their daughter, I still feel love from them.  I know that at any time I could reach out to any of my family members and get support from them.  

All of the support group brothers that I have are more than amazing.  I have such great respect for those who are in recovery and still fight for freedom from addiction.  The bonds I create and maintain help me through each day of my life.  

The love of the Savior at times is tangible but is more frequently felt through others.  As I have been very blessed in my recovery I hope that I can be of support to others who are struggling or just be a good friend to those who are in need of a friend.  

Finding the right kind of support is critical.  I don't believe that anyone can recover from addiction without support from others.  I am so grateful for the support I continue to get and so I fight.  I will fight for the love and support of others and more importantly the love of my Savior.  

LIFE LINES (PART 2)

This post really goes back to December for me.  It goes back to the day that I decided to come clean and face this monster that I could not shake.  All throughout the addiction I felt like there was no where to turn.  Nobody had been in my shoes before so how could anyone help.  I had done so much and had no idea where to turn but continued to figure I was just going to die in my addiction.

Before I told the entire story to Cherae we had invited some friends over to talk about the pornography situation with them.  My friend J had gone through his own addictions and was there for me to talk and listen and understand.  He may not realize it but he was very influential on me the night we met.  The most important thing he taught me was to tell the whole truth.  Get it all out.  I was not going to get better until I was honest with Cherae.  I think he could tell that there was more than needed to be told.  How grateful I am for him and congratulate him on his 4 years of sobriety.  He is one of my heroes.  He has been a great support and will always be a great friend.  As I told J that the Bishop wanted me to read a certain book, he just looked at me and told me to get as much out of it as I could.  I could tell that it had helped him.  I was trying to play it off but he was serious and I was impressed that I needed to buckle down and face this addiction and issues head on.

It was early in December when everything was ripped out of my hands and I had nothing to rely on and felt like there was nobody there for me.  I found myself at my parents home because where do you turn when you have nothing?  My first lifeline was my parents.  I knew how disappointed they were going to be.  It was so hard to face them and tell them the things that I had done.  I kept my head down and my hat over my eyes so they could not see my face as I was vomiting my story on them.  As I got done telling them everything and anticipated the lecture all I felt from them was sorrow and love.  I was shocked.  The more I look at the situation I feel that that is how my heavenly parents would react to a son who is trying to get back to a heavenly home.  My parents surrounded me with love.  They supported me so much to get into a recovery program and find the resources needed to overcome this addiction.  They have been true champions and such great examples to me.  Each day as I pray I thank my Father in heaven for my earthly parents.  Their love for me is real and I know that I was blessed to come to this earth and be in their care.  My parents will only understand the love that I have for them when we are on the other side together looking back on this life and then they will understand what they are to me.

As I was living at my parents and starting these different recovery programs I reached out to someone who would ultimately heal me.  I had prayed before and had always believed that Christ was there for me.  However, this situation was on a different level.  I needed Him.  I needed the love and the compassion that He had for me so that I could get better.  I know that He sends others on this earth to do His work.  I know that He loves me.  I have felt his love like never before.  I know that the pain and suffering that He has gone through has given Him the ability to understand what I have gone through.  It is my testimony that Christ loves each of us more than we will understand, more than a parent can love a child.  Christ's love is so perfect.  As I continue to reach out to him I find the answers that I need in my recovery.  I find the strength to get through each day.  I find the strength to overcome the temptations and trials that come my way.  I know that His grace is sufficient for me to overcome whatever I am faced with.  Christ will ALWAYS be the ultimate lifeline.  He will NEVER abandon anyone and I know that because he never abandoned me.  How blessed I have been to have parents who raised me with that understanding that Christ is real and loves each of us here on this earth.

Maurice was a big help to me when in 2009 I was meeting with him regarding some marriage counseling.  Although I was not honest with him at the time I learned a lot.  I would end up going back to the things he was teaching me to fight this battle.  His understanding of addiction and the enemy had been key for me.  Understanding how and when the enemy will attack is amazing.  I can receive the information from the spirit that I need to know when the next attack will be and can get prepared for it.  I suggest reading his book and understanding the principles that he teaches.  Cherae and I were able to speak today at one of Maurices conferences.  Maurice is one of my hero's.  Thanks Maurice.  You have helped me change my life.  http://www.lifechangingservices.org

LifeStar was also a huge lifeline for me.  Ken Schwab runs a great program.  He listed to me and invited me to participate in the program.  The program focuses on the addiction and understanding what it does to the brain and how destructive it is.  Ken is patient and understanding.  He has been so good to me and helping me understand the principles that the program has to offer.  The group setting for me was key so that I could see that I was not alone in this fight and others had been in my shoes.  I will appreciate Ken forever and for the program that he has to offer.  I remember telling him in the very beginning that Cherae would not participate.  The first week everyone there could tell that Cherae was not happy to be there to deal with MY issues.  Ken's promise to me was that if I worked the steps and focused on God that I would get back to Him and that my wife would be there with me.  As the weeks and months went by I could see the change in my life and the change in the life of my wife.  We were talking and communicating like we never had before.  LifeStar was critical for us and for our relationship.  Ken, you are a great man and will always be my friend.  Thank you for all you have done for me.  I also want to thank all of my brothers who were in group with me.  You were all so helpful for me.  Ian, you are a life long friend.  You and I were meant to meet.  Thank you for your friendship.  Thank you for hanging in there and continuing to fight.  You are going to be an amazing husband and father one day.  Keep going!  http://www.lifestar-davis-weber.com

ARP will be a staple for me for the rest of my life.  The LDS addiction recovery program is inspired.  It is Christ's program here on earth to help heal the sick and wounded.  He is the focus and is the reason the program works so well.  I love my group and my brothers in the program.  I love being able to go there each week and feel the spirit and feel the love that we all have for each other.  The spiritual aspect of the program has been vital for me to be able to sustain sobriety.  The program is a program of action and as long as the participant is willing to work then the program will be a success.  Just like the scriptures say "knock and it shall be opened", knocking on the door is a requirement by the person who wants to get the help.  The effort needs to be there and it has to be treated like boot camp.  Jump in, do the work, work your guts out, put all the effort you can into it.  It will work.  I know and can say that because it worked and continues to work for me.  https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng

Jake.  I can't say enough good about him.  Jake just moved into our ward and was there for me at my first 12 step meeting.  His timing of moving into the ward was not by coincidence.  I needed him to help me get on the right track.  Jake sat me down early in the recovery process and helped me understand more about it and what I needed to do in order to overcome the addiction.  As I went to LifeStar and ARP I felt like I had an advantage of already knowing what I needed to be doing.  It was amazing for me to continue to meet with Jake and get more information from him.  I am so blessed to have him in my life as a mentor and as a good friend.  Jake was there for me when I got to steps 4 and 5 in the 12 step program.  These steps are hard and gut wrenching.  It was so nice to have a friend there who could listen to my story and help me through the process.  Jake, thank you!

Just to clarify, I needed and continue to need ALL of the resources that I have written about.  They will all continue to be a guide for me in my life.  Some of the programs that I am involved with will be part of my family forever.  As we continue to work with Maurice and his program we continue to feel the spirit and feel the energy to combat the enemy.  Both of us have a love and understanding for ARP and will continue to do what is necessary to help others in the program.  I will always refer to the tools and knowledge gained in LifeStar.  I will always love my dear parents.  I can't say enough about them.  I love them so much.  I will always rely on my Savior.  I will always remain close to Him.  I will continue to turn my will over to Him because He knows what is best for me.

I also want to thank my ecclesiastical leaders who have been so loving and non judgmental.  I am so blessed to have the Bishop and Stake President that I do.  They are amazing men and have been so good for me.  I believe that they are in the positions that they are at this time because I needed both of them to help me.  I will always love and respect them for all they have done for me.  They have helped strengthen my testimony of the gospel by how they have treated me.  Thank you!

Lastly, my dear wife Cherae.  She will be my lifeline FOREVER.  She is the greatest blessing to me here on this earth.  She is there for me each day at every hour.  She will always be my hero.  She is the most amazing person.  I love her with all of my heart and am so grateful for everything that she does for me and our family.  Cherae, I love you!

I fight for my freedom from addiction.  I fight for my family.  I fight so that I can feel the spirit and have it with me at all times.  I fight for the love of God.  I fight to destroy the enemy.

Brandon.

LIFE LINES (PART 1)

        I have received many emails asking for directions of where to turn for support, and healing.  I feel as though I have become quite the expert in this area since I have had experience in searching these things out myself.  Most of them I have been involved with whether its been past or present.  I have had so many wonderful positive experiences participating within these groups.
        I should first start of with giving credit to four certain individuals.  The first two are B & J (for privacy sake I am only using there first initial).  They have been long time friends of ours and they have been though hell and back from J's own addictions.  They paved the way for us individually and helped point us in the right direction for recovery.  B had always been an angel in my eyes, and I look up to her in more ways than one can imagine.  She is truly an example of Christ.  She stuck with her husband through the deep and darkest moments in his life.  At times I didn't know how she did it.  Her persistence of being a supportive wife kept their family together.  She was and still is an amazing strength for her 3 young kids, who at times didn't have their dad living in the home.   She never sugar coated anything for me.  She told me like it was.  Sometimes I wondered why she couldn't have just softened things just a bit.  Looking back I am grateful for her bluntness, and lack of sugar coating.  It made me stronger quicker and helped me to accept the truth for the ugly beast it was.  I will always cherish the special friendship that I have with that sweet angel.  
        Jake and Polly are the second two.  What heaven sent angels they have been to us as well! Almost literally.  Jake is a recovering addict and Polly has worked in the anti porn industry for many years with such organizations as Women for decency and now is the director of public relations for Addo recovery.  They moved into our ward 1 month before Brandon came clean and I don't doubt for one moment that their move into our ward was a coincidence.  My bishop had told me there was another couple in our ward who was very open about this topic.  When he told me who they were I had no idea who he was talking about.  He had talked to them and given them our names (with our permission of course).  One day, closely follow the "confession" I had a few close friends over helping me deal with my life.  The door bell rang and I answered it.  It was Polly coming to introduce herself.  This was my first time meeting her and I felt a comfort about her knowing that here stood someone who could relate to me.  She wasn't able to stay for long, and with a group of women already there it wasn't really the time to dive into what help I needed.  She followed up with me in the days following.  I remember a particular day that I was desperately struggling.  I was home alone and feeling like I couldn't breath, let alone survive this new life of mine.  Again, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there stood Polly.  I couldn't speak, the tears just started flowing.  I knew in that instant she was sent to me that day from a loving Father in Heaven who knew what I needed in that very moment.  She came in and sat down with me and listened to me, gave me advice, and a direction to go for help and healing.  There have been numerous occasions since then that I have called her in tears asking for help to understand feelings I was having, fears I was facing, and how to get through my day to day functions.  She ALWAYS had good advice to give and I always walked away from her feeling so much better.  She is the one who I give credit to in helping me to really understand how to "let go, and let God".  Polly has a comedy blog that I would encourage you to check out.  http://www.comingtogrips.net.   In the beginning it was really hard for me to reach out.   I can't put my finger on why, all I wanted to do was isolate myself, not deal with it.  I would think thoughts like, talking to someone about this is not going to make me feel any better, and nothing anyone can say or do is going to heal me.  As much as that may or may not be true, its a start.  We all need a place to start our healing.  Mine started with  "B", and with Polly.  Those two life lines saved me.  They pointed me in the right direction and in my opinion gave me a head start in my recovery process.  I will always be ever grateful for them.
        Maurice W Harker, LPC (http://www.lifechangingservices.org).  That name says it all if you ask me.   Maurice is the man who had all the right answers for me.  He is the founder and director of "The sons of Helaman", which is a specialized self-mastery training system for young men who wish to overcome pornography and other sexual addictions, he also has a similar program that teaches the same concepts for adult men who are trying to overcome sexual addiction it is called "Men of Moroni".  Maurice Specializes in marriage therapy (especially of sexual misbehaviors are part of the problem).  He knows his stuff, and is very passionate about it.  He has helped me progress beyond measures in my recovery.   Life changing services also has a wonderful therapeutic group for women.  W-O-R-T-H, Women Of Rebirth Therapeutic Healing.  Within the month WORTH will be starting a  new in person group session, and on online one as well for those who don't live close by. This will be a free program led by a clinician that life changing services will offer.  It was very important and crucial for me to find a therapist in whom I trusted greatly.  Having previously been to him for marriage counseling I knew thats where I needed to turn for my "professional" healing.
        Addiction Recovery Program/ ARP (https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng).  This is the 12-step program put on by the LDS church.  It is free and they are held at many different locations, different times, and for different types of addictions.  They have one specifically for sexual addictions.  There are meetings for the addict and for the spouses of addicts.  The one I attend is for the wives of the addicts.  It is full of women who are looking for healing and recovery.  It teaches how to apply to atonement in your life to forgive  those who have wronged you.  It is amazing how much healing comes when you realize how to apply the atonement in your life.
        LifeSTAR (http://www.lifestarnetwork.com) is a great program for husband, wives and individuals who are looking for hope, healing, and recovery due to unwanted compulsive sexual behaviors and addictions.  This course was crucial for me in the early stages of healing.  It helps to explain the addiction, how it works, what its doing to their brains, how to find the root of why they turn to this addiction, how the addict can learn new behaviors that are healthy to replace the addictive ones, and how to heal.  It also really helped me to understand that the addiction is not about me or my weight, or how I look.  It taught me how to let Brandon "own" actions.  What he does is not because of me.  Im not responsible for the choices he makes.   LifeSTAR also has taught the both of us a much healthier way to communicate with one another and those around us.  Self care is also stressed in lifeSTAR.  Spending time on you.   Making sure you are taking care of yourself.  As women we tend to overlook our needs when we are in fight or flight mode.  Whether it be something as little as 5 min, it needs to be done.  When you are on an airplane receiving instructions on what to do in an emergency situation, the flight attendant tells the adult to first, put the mask on him or herself, and then the child.  You will be of no help to that child if you don't insure your survival first.  Take care of yourself!  Im not talking about being selfish, just enough time for you to step away from your troubles for and breath.
         Addo Recovery (http://addorecovery.com) has free 6 week on line recovery program for betrayal trauma.  They specialize in pornography addiction, sexual addiction, betrayal trauma, and other related issues.  I haven't started my course yet.  I've gotten so far as to sign up for it, and plan to begin in soon. This is where my good friend Polly now works and speaks highly of the help and healing that is offered.  *She did speak highly of them even before she started working for them*
        These are just a few of the many "LIFE LINES" that are out there to help with hope, healing, and recovery.  Not all of these will be for everybody.  You need to find the ones that work for you.  I would suggest trying many different ones.  You will find that each organization has something a little different to offer than the others.  For me it has been helpful in my recovery to be involved in a few at a time.
        Last of all, there are many different forms of "LIFE LINES".  They don't all come in the form of an organization as you well saw at the beginning of this post.  They come in many different ways.  My 4th child has been a lifeline for me.  I now know that she was reserved to come to our family just before the time of disaster was to strike to keep my mind distracted and focused on taking care of a toddler during a time of crisis.  She has preoccupied my mind and kept me company on many occasions when my older kids were at school and it was me and her alone at home.   Life lines come in the form of someone reading your blog and reaching out to you for hope and a life long friendship begins.  Life lines come in small miracles.  They are all around you.  You don't notice them until you are aware to start looking for them.  I pray for you all to search out and find the life lines that are best suiting for you in your healing and recovery process.

I fight for My healing, and for Brandon's recovery  

Lots of love,
Cherae