GROUP THERAPY

First I want to thank all those who came to see our seminar with Maurice.  It was so great to see friends and family there to support us.  Thank you all.  I hope that you were able to take something away from the evening.

As I have been pondering some of the most important aspects of recovery for me it always comes back to group therapy.  There are many different groups to attend.  There are so many resources out there that are in a group setting that will be beneficial to anyone who is trying to get some sobriety.

The addiction forces isolation.  The isolation is one of the major forces of the addiction.  It is interesting to think of the isolation and how the adversary wants everyone to isolate because as one isolates they will draw away from God.  Once the isolation from God has begun then the individual will only continue to withdraw from everyone, coworkers, spouses, family and so on.  This was very true in my case.  If I was in a group setting it might have been fun but the pain of my actions would often want me to withdrawal and be alone.

As humans we want to be attached and have connections.  The adversary knows this and works very hard at getting anyone to create habits and fall into addictions so the isolation will begin.  God wants us to connect.  There will be connections in life that we come across that are meant to be.  We need to cherish those connections and draw nearer to the connections that we have already.

The greatest connection that we can have is the connection with our Heavenly Father.  As this connection secures more and more then everything else falls into place.  This connection in my opinion is the most important part of recovery.  I don't believe that one will fully recover without this connection.  Knowing that a loving Father in Heaven is there with open arms and is willing to help can get anyone out of the rut they may be in.  This connection is important for anyone even for anyone who is not suffering from an addiction.

The first time I want to an LDS Addiction Recovery Meeting I was shocked at how many others were there.  This was very eye opening to me to see actual people in a meeting that were talking openly about their addictions and how similar their struggles were to mine.  Sitting in this group meeting gave me a great sense of peace and comfort knowing that I am not alone.  The connections in these meetings is incredible.  Sitting in one meeting brought me to feel as though I was amongst brothers.  Today I know that I in any meeting I go to I am with brothers.  These connections are so awesome.
My first meeting at LifeStar was very powerful.  There were people there that I still talk to and feel very connected to.  

Sitting in a group and knowing that the others are faced with the same addictions creates a bond that cannot be created anywhere else.  Our Father in Heaven knows this.  Hence why we have quorums, wards, and so on.  We need to be together.  We need each other, we need the connections.

Recently I have been going to Men of Moroni (a group program put on by Life Changing Services).  I feel a strength and a bond with these men.  I want to be there every Sunday but family oftens takes priority at this point in my recovery.  This group of brothers is fighting for many things but mostly to be free from the addiction of pornography.  The spirit and power that is felt in these meetings is so powerful.  This group focuses on what the antidote is for the addiction, it is called warrior chemistry.  By learning how to defeat the adversary with warrior chemistry is powerful and it really works.  The principles are simple and gospel oriented.  I would encourage anyone who is looking for tools to overcome the adversary to get in this group.

I know that group therapy works.  I know that by getting into a group will only help the precession of recovery.  I know that the connections created in group will help the individual also connect with a loving Heavenly Father.  I know that the connection with Heavenly Father is necessary for complete recovery.

I continue to fight for my connection to Heavenly Father, I continue to fight to feel his love.  I fight for the love of my family and fight for better connections with them.  I fight for my brothers who are in recovery.

Brandon

WARRIOR WOMAN

     The other night I was trying to get Brandon to understand what this fight has been like for me.   I really wanted him to get a good feeling for how I feel during this time, and for the things I'm trying to work through and how I'm trying to do it.  So I told him a story.  For me, analogies are a much easier way for me to really understand things.  So that being said I'd like to tell you the same story.  I hope I can retell it well enough for you to FEEL what its like for me and many other women in the battle stages of fighting for our family.

     There is a war going on right now.  It happens to be one of the biggest wars ever.  The enemy (satan) has over 7,000 years of war experience under his belt.  He is good.  In fact he is better than good, he is the master of war and destruction.  He has millions of soldiers on his side, they are all just as cunning and deceitful as he is and they have almost as much experience as he does.  A lot of the battles he goes into are over within seconds, him being the victor.  This enemy is someone to be very concerned about.  

     There is a woman (myself) who has been living a life that for the most part she has been pleased with.  She's happy with where she lives and has felt safety all around her.   She has a constant companion in her life (husband) who she has always felt would protect her if anything out of the ordinary ever crept into her life.  This woman had a radio (God) that she would listen to sometimes more often than others, and sometimes she would turn the radio down when she wasn't feeling up to listening.  She knew that if she lived her life right she would receive instruction through

this radio on how to keep herself safe from all harm.   She was aware that there was a waging war out there, but never for one moment thought that, the war would find her.  But it did.  And she was terrified.  

     She saw the enemy from afar, and wondered how she was ever going to fight this war alone.  She then remembered that she had a trusted companion by her side that would do all he could to keep her safe and help her fight the enemy.  She turned to her companion so they could put a game plan together but he wasn't there.  Before she could turn to look for him she felt the most excruciating  pain between her shoulder blades.   A knife having stabbed her in the back, she fell to the ground and started to fade, but not before she was able to see her companion standing there holding a knife in his hands dripping with blood.  As she awoke she saw the army on the horizon and despite the pain she was in she slowly, painfully stood up and did the best she could to brush herself off.  Her companion still standing there trough tear stained eyes, holding the knife, was apologizing profusely as to what he had just done and frantically asking her what he could do to help. Telling her he didn't mean to hurt her, it wasn't him, he didn't know why he was holding a knife.   This women now knew that she was now facing this army alone.  She couldn't trust this fellow soldier.   To her she was not only up against this giant army alone, but standing in front of her was what she now thought to be a trader.  She was alone. ALL ALONE.  No one to help her, to battle with her, or to save her.  She was injured, she needed help and she wasn't going to get the help that she needed where she was.  She had to use her radio and called for help.  

     Help came, but not in the form she expected.  She had indeed tuned into her radio, and the voice on the other end of the radio had told her to give her fellow soldier another chance.  She couldn't believe what she was hearing! She challenged him "but Commander, he used his knife to stab me in the back.  How can I trust this soldier to aid me when he tried to kill me?"  The Commander in his calm voice told her again to give this soldier another chance.   With the radio in one hand, and a look of sheer shock on her face she looks at her fellow soldier still holding that knife in his hands and questions him on what he plans on doing with that knife.  His response was something she never expected to hear.  He told her that his intention with that knife was never to hurt her.  His intentions were to stand by her side throughout the entire war, to protect her and to make sure she made it through unscathed.  But just as he was about to take her side his commander came through on his radio giving him orders to "take the woman out".  He was horrified! Debating on whether or not to argue with a commanding officer he politely responded with a "I'm sorry sir, but I will not do that".  His commander then started to fill his mind with lies about this woman.  To the point where the soldier was finally convinced that "taking the woman out" would be the best thing to do.  And so went the attempt on her life.  The woman was confused at this story and asked to look at his radio.  She noticed that it had been tampered with, and knew that what this fellow soldier thought he was hearing as his commander was truly the enemy in disguise.  She pointed this out to the soldier and he was immediately aware of the trap he had fallen into.  Sorrow filled his heart.  And she then knew that this soldier had been deceived by the enemy, just like so many others.  She made it her mission to give it her all and fight against the injustice this enemy placed upon so many of her fellow beings especially the one one she cherished the most.

     This woman came to realize she has a weapon of her own (the spirit).  She's had it all along and it has helped her throughout her life.  It is so small that she had forgotten about it at times, but it is a very potent weapon .  She can now use this weapon to help her in the war that she is facing.  It is something that she has to fine tune every day.  It is a weapon that if she handles with care it will get her far.  It comforts her to know that she can rely on this weapon when she has doubts about her fellow soldier and his intentions.  This weapon will help her to make the correct decisions in order to win this war.  This weapon is priceless.  Her commander gave it to her long ago as a gift, and knew that one day she would understand that this weapon would be crucial in the healing of her wounds, the trusting of others, and becoming a Warrior Women in a war that she WILL win.  

I fight for all my fellow Sisters, who's hearts have been broken, and I fight for my husband to be free from satans bondage.

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Brandon and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Lots of Love,

Cherae

     

     

     

MY WILL

When I was a kid I remember watching a movie with some of my friends about a mine collapsing and the kids were running to go save their dads that were in the mine.  My friend asked me if I would run in.  I told him no that the mine would also kill me.  He told me that was selfish.  He was right.  I am selfish and have been selfish for years.  I have recently learned how selfish I have been.  Doing anything for anyone else has always been a struggle.  Being selfish is not something that I desire but think that to some degree being selfish is something that comes naturally to all.  My will is something that not only hurts me but it is painful looking back at how selfish I have been.  I never had concern for anyone or anything while in my addiction.  Yes, the addiction really helps one become selfish.  The adversary does a great job at isolating and creating a selfish individual.

Step 3 in ARP is "Trust in God" and it is all about turning ones life and will over to Heavenly Father.  Neal A. Maxwell states; "The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar...but when we begin to submit ourselves by letting  our wills be swallowed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him".  I have found this to be true.  Each day when I pray in the morning I turn my life and will over to God.  I ask him to take my heart.  I tell him that I will do ANYTHING he ask of me and promise to do His will.  This has been a big change for me.  Not only do I feel I have so much more peace in my life but I feel as I continue to tun my life and will over to God I have so much more freedom.  I am free from addiction, I am free from worrying about any lies, I am free from fear and I love the feeling I have knowing that I am doing everything my Father in heaven wants me to do.

I feel that I had a little different experience in my recover regarding turning my life and will over to God.  I got to the point where I was done.  I hit my rock bottom and knew I was done but needed help.  I feel like King Lamoni's father "I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy."  He was willing to do anything to feel the love of God.  I too am now willing to do anything to feel the love that my Father in heaven has in store for me.

As I continue to turn my life and will over to God I feel so close to him.  I can now say that I am working on being selfless and I am working on doing my Father's will.

Just a few quick examples of turning my will over: I am not bringing these up because I feel I am better than anyone.  I just bring these up because these were sacrifices for me but have brought me closer to God.  Music - I use to listen to so many different varieties of music.  I have a lot of music stored and was always looking forward to the new album.  Well, I have given it all up.  I listen to Mormon channel, my Pandora channel has one station now and it is Mo. Tab. and I also listen to a Christian radio station that has some great songs that bring in the spirit.  Time - I sacrifice time for my kids now when I didn't before.  I love the time I spend with them now.  I used to be so caught up in everything else that I never made time or gave them time.  I think as children that is all they want is time.  Not a perfect parent but time with the parents they have.  TV/Media - I only get my news from KSL or Deseret News.  I don't go to Fox or other media sources due to adds that are not appropriate for me.  I only watch selected shows with my wife.  I have to be very careful what I watch but am happy to give up the terrible TV shows that are on.  Language - this was not much of a sacrifice to me but I feel that when I give my will up I only use appropriate language and always talk respectfully to my wife and children.  My wife - I look for ways to serve my wife and kids.  Something so small like buying a blizzard or a box of Dilly Bars from DQ for the family makes me feel happy.  I look for ways to help at home now, kitchen, laundry and cooking with my wife.  I love being able to serve with an attitude of gratitude.

I love being able to turn my life over to the care of God.  I know as I do this my future is secure. "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all knowing God".

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him FOREVER in the next.  Amen"  -- Reinhold Niebuhr

I will continue to do His will.  I fight for his love.  I fight for my freedom from the adversary.  I fight for my family.

Brandon

LIFE LINES (PART 1)

        I have received many emails asking for directions of where to turn for support, and healing.  I feel as though I have become quite the expert in this area since I have had experience in searching these things out myself.  Most of them I have been involved with whether its been past or present.  I have had so many wonderful positive experiences participating within these groups.
        I should first start of with giving credit to four certain individuals.  The first two are B & J (for privacy sake I am only using there first initial).  They have been long time friends of ours and they have been though hell and back from J's own addictions.  They paved the way for us individually and helped point us in the right direction for recovery.  B had always been an angel in my eyes, and I look up to her in more ways than one can imagine.  She is truly an example of Christ.  She stuck with her husband through the deep and darkest moments in his life.  At times I didn't know how she did it.  Her persistence of being a supportive wife kept their family together.  She was and still is an amazing strength for her 3 young kids, who at times didn't have their dad living in the home.   She never sugar coated anything for me.  She told me like it was.  Sometimes I wondered why she couldn't have just softened things just a bit.  Looking back I am grateful for her bluntness, and lack of sugar coating.  It made me stronger quicker and helped me to accept the truth for the ugly beast it was.  I will always cherish the special friendship that I have with that sweet angel.  
        Jake and Polly are the second two.  What heaven sent angels they have been to us as well! Almost literally.  Jake is a recovering addict and Polly has worked in the anti porn industry for many years with such organizations as Women for decency and now is the director of public relations for Addo recovery.  They moved into our ward 1 month before Brandon came clean and I don't doubt for one moment that their move into our ward was a coincidence.  My bishop had told me there was another couple in our ward who was very open about this topic.  When he told me who they were I had no idea who he was talking about.  He had talked to them and given them our names (with our permission of course).  One day, closely follow the "confession" I had a few close friends over helping me deal with my life.  The door bell rang and I answered it.  It was Polly coming to introduce herself.  This was my first time meeting her and I felt a comfort about her knowing that here stood someone who could relate to me.  She wasn't able to stay for long, and with a group of women already there it wasn't really the time to dive into what help I needed.  She followed up with me in the days following.  I remember a particular day that I was desperately struggling.  I was home alone and feeling like I couldn't breath, let alone survive this new life of mine.  Again, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there stood Polly.  I couldn't speak, the tears just started flowing.  I knew in that instant she was sent to me that day from a loving Father in Heaven who knew what I needed in that very moment.  She came in and sat down with me and listened to me, gave me advice, and a direction to go for help and healing.  There have been numerous occasions since then that I have called her in tears asking for help to understand feelings I was having, fears I was facing, and how to get through my day to day functions.  She ALWAYS had good advice to give and I always walked away from her feeling so much better.  She is the one who I give credit to in helping me to really understand how to "let go, and let God".  Polly has a comedy blog that I would encourage you to check out.  http://www.comingtogrips.net.   In the beginning it was really hard for me to reach out.   I can't put my finger on why, all I wanted to do was isolate myself, not deal with it.  I would think thoughts like, talking to someone about this is not going to make me feel any better, and nothing anyone can say or do is going to heal me.  As much as that may or may not be true, its a start.  We all need a place to start our healing.  Mine started with  "B", and with Polly.  Those two life lines saved me.  They pointed me in the right direction and in my opinion gave me a head start in my recovery process.  I will always be ever grateful for them.
        Maurice W Harker, LPC (http://www.lifechangingservices.org).  That name says it all if you ask me.   Maurice is the man who had all the right answers for me.  He is the founder and director of "The sons of Helaman", which is a specialized self-mastery training system for young men who wish to overcome pornography and other sexual addictions, he also has a similar program that teaches the same concepts for adult men who are trying to overcome sexual addiction it is called "Men of Moroni".  Maurice Specializes in marriage therapy (especially of sexual misbehaviors are part of the problem).  He knows his stuff, and is very passionate about it.  He has helped me progress beyond measures in my recovery.   Life changing services also has a wonderful therapeutic group for women.  W-O-R-T-H, Women Of Rebirth Therapeutic Healing.  Within the month WORTH will be starting a  new in person group session, and on online one as well for those who don't live close by. This will be a free program led by a clinician that life changing services will offer.  It was very important and crucial for me to find a therapist in whom I trusted greatly.  Having previously been to him for marriage counseling I knew thats where I needed to turn for my "professional" healing.
        Addiction Recovery Program/ ARP (https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng).  This is the 12-step program put on by the LDS church.  It is free and they are held at many different locations, different times, and for different types of addictions.  They have one specifically for sexual addictions.  There are meetings for the addict and for the spouses of addicts.  The one I attend is for the wives of the addicts.  It is full of women who are looking for healing and recovery.  It teaches how to apply to atonement in your life to forgive  those who have wronged you.  It is amazing how much healing comes when you realize how to apply the atonement in your life.
        LifeSTAR (http://www.lifestarnetwork.com) is a great program for husband, wives and individuals who are looking for hope, healing, and recovery due to unwanted compulsive sexual behaviors and addictions.  This course was crucial for me in the early stages of healing.  It helps to explain the addiction, how it works, what its doing to their brains, how to find the root of why they turn to this addiction, how the addict can learn new behaviors that are healthy to replace the addictive ones, and how to heal.  It also really helped me to understand that the addiction is not about me or my weight, or how I look.  It taught me how to let Brandon "own" actions.  What he does is not because of me.  Im not responsible for the choices he makes.   LifeSTAR also has taught the both of us a much healthier way to communicate with one another and those around us.  Self care is also stressed in lifeSTAR.  Spending time on you.   Making sure you are taking care of yourself.  As women we tend to overlook our needs when we are in fight or flight mode.  Whether it be something as little as 5 min, it needs to be done.  When you are on an airplane receiving instructions on what to do in an emergency situation, the flight attendant tells the adult to first, put the mask on him or herself, and then the child.  You will be of no help to that child if you don't insure your survival first.  Take care of yourself!  Im not talking about being selfish, just enough time for you to step away from your troubles for and breath.
         Addo Recovery (http://addorecovery.com) has free 6 week on line recovery program for betrayal trauma.  They specialize in pornography addiction, sexual addiction, betrayal trauma, and other related issues.  I haven't started my course yet.  I've gotten so far as to sign up for it, and plan to begin in soon. This is where my good friend Polly now works and speaks highly of the help and healing that is offered.  *She did speak highly of them even before she started working for them*
        These are just a few of the many "LIFE LINES" that are out there to help with hope, healing, and recovery.  Not all of these will be for everybody.  You need to find the ones that work for you.  I would suggest trying many different ones.  You will find that each organization has something a little different to offer than the others.  For me it has been helpful in my recovery to be involved in a few at a time.
        Last of all, there are many different forms of "LIFE LINES".  They don't all come in the form of an organization as you well saw at the beginning of this post.  They come in many different ways.  My 4th child has been a lifeline for me.  I now know that she was reserved to come to our family just before the time of disaster was to strike to keep my mind distracted and focused on taking care of a toddler during a time of crisis.  She has preoccupied my mind and kept me company on many occasions when my older kids were at school and it was me and her alone at home.   Life lines come in the form of someone reading your blog and reaching out to you for hope and a life long friendship begins.  Life lines come in small miracles.  They are all around you.  You don't notice them until you are aware to start looking for them.  I pray for you all to search out and find the life lines that are best suiting for you in your healing and recovery process.

I fight for My healing, and for Brandon's recovery  

Lots of love,
Cherae