SUPPORT

I wanted to take a few moments and review the past year and thank all the avenues and people for the support that they have given me.  This past 16 months has been an amazing journey for me.  I have seen the darkest hours and I have seen the brightest of hope.  I have seen how to put recovery into action and I have seen what it does if no action is taken.  I have and continue to be active in my rolls in recovery.  However, having so much support around me helps so much.

Yesterday I was working on my bike and had Jake over to help out.  We were discussing recovery and how others can get help.  Jake just rolled out a site and I encourage all to check it out.  it can be found at recoverywithjake.org  Sitting in my garage with a good friend and knowing that if I need him to help me through a tough time and that he will be there for me is huge.  I think that men in general feel so weak if we need to ask for help.  In recovery, I see this all the time.  Men falling down because they are simply not asking for help.  I understand that prayer and help from the Savior is the first place support should be sought from.  I also believe that the Lord placed each of us on the earth to help others and that he wants us to learn from these type of experiences.  If the Lord did not work through others then what is our purpose in creating bonds with each other?

I admit, when I was in my addiction I was too prideful to reach out for help.  I though I could handle it and that this was something only I could fix.  Wow, how wrong was I.  After nearly 16 months of sobriety I have realized that I have needed everyone and every resource to get to where I am.  My Mom and Dad have been there and will continue to be there for me.  I have felt their love and support from day one when I was sitting on their couch telling them everything that I had been through.  I am still so grateful for their reaction.  They wrapped me in their arms and told me that we will get through this.  My in-laws have been the same way.  Although I know they are still very hurt at the pain I have caused their daughter, I still feel love from them.  I know that at any time I could reach out to any of my family members and get support from them.  

All of the support group brothers that I have are more than amazing.  I have such great respect for those who are in recovery and still fight for freedom from addiction.  The bonds I create and maintain help me through each day of my life.  

The love of the Savior at times is tangible but is more frequently felt through others.  As I have been very blessed in my recovery I hope that I can be of support to others who are struggling or just be a good friend to those who are in need of a friend.  

Finding the right kind of support is critical.  I don't believe that anyone can recover from addiction without support from others.  I am so grateful for the support I continue to get and so I fight.  I will fight for the love and support of others and more importantly the love of my Savior.  

DECEMBER

December is supposed to be the best time of year when everyone is happy and full of the Christmas spirit.  this December may be a little different in that this past Thursday marked my first year of sobriety.  I am so grateful for the sobriety that I have been blessed with.  I wanted to write about this past year, how the recovery has blessed me and my family and how my testimony of the Savior, His grace and following His will has put me on the path of recovery.

Looking back one year I recall the feeling that I had that I was ready to give up the life I had been living for myself and was willing at that point to do whatever it was going to take in order to find sobriety, recovery and peace.  I had been carrying around too much.  The stress, anxiety, isolation, anger, and all the other garbage that followed me was killing me.  I was drowning in the depths of the traps and snares the adversary had set and was hopeless.  There was no way for me to find help.  I had resorted to the frame of mind that I was going to die in my sins and deal with the consequences at the time of judgement.

On December 5, 2013 I was able to peel back the first of several layers of the lies.  It was painful.  It was terrifying,  It was awful for me and for my poor wife who just had her heart broken shattered.  It was the start and that is all I really needed in order to start the process of coming clean.  Clean from the addiction and clean from my sins.  I had to start somewhere and this was the right time.  I don't know why but I knew it was to be right then.

With no hesitation I found a LDS ARP 12 step meeting and started attending.  I still go every week and will continue to go for as long as I feel the Lord wants me to attend.  It may be for the rest of my life but that is ok.  The program has helped strengthen my testimony of the Atonement.  After all, the Atonement is the single greatest event ever on earth and is the only way any of us can return to Heavenly Father.  There is no other way.  I have always had the testimony but was hopeless.  How grateful I am for the hope that the program has brought to me.  I know the program is Christ's program, it is his way of healing the sick and afflicted here on earth.  It works.

Going through the program each week brings me peace, comfort and greater strength.  Working each of the steps each week helps me focus on the Savior throughout the week, day and at each needed moment.

I know that everyone has their own path of recovery.  I know that my recovery is unique and I am truly grateful for it.  I am blessed each day with the love of God through the spirit and through the lives of others.  My family, my parents, siblings, in-laws, and so on have been a blessing to me.  Everyone has reached out to me with open arms.  Each of them have been a support in one way or another.  Each of them have given me strength and they have all shown me love.  I know that love the most powerful tool because it will prevail.  How grateful I am for the love that has been shown to me.

The message I want to get across to anyone willing to listen is that there is hope and healing.  Recovery is possible.  There is a greater plan and it is available to all who are willing to listen and open their hearts.  I know that as I continue to work the steps and do the will of my Father in Heaven I will continue to be blessed with sobriety.

I know that Satan is real and that he is relentless.  He is willing to do whatever it takes to win a soul.  He knows no boundaries.  Nothing is off limits for him.  He will do anything to get people to follow him.  I know that he is knocking at everybody's door.  I know he can be defeated.  I know I can continue to defeat him.  It feels so great to kick him in the teeth.

I will continue to fight for my sobriety, for the love that I feel from others around me, for my wife and for her safety, and I will continue to fight so that I can return to a loving Heavenly Father.

Brandon

GRATITUDE

   

     First off I want to thank all of those who attended our Marriage Seminar whether in person or via web.  I was so grateful to see the room as full as it was.  I knew I was in a room filled with fellow fighters.  Brandon and I really appreciate all the support and love that we feel from you. So again a million thanks to you all.    
      
     Yesterday, our lesson in Young Women's was on gratitude, and I knew that I needed to write on that topic.  I'm sure its more for myself than for anything else.  The title of the lesson was "Why is it important to be grateful?"  I have on numerous occasions throughout the last ten months looked for reasons to be grateful in the circumstances that I am facing.  And although some days it is really hard to find them, they are there. President Monson says "When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."       
      
     It is very easy to look for reason to be grateful when things are going right for us in our lives, but what about the times when things are going terribly wrong?  I think that President Uchtdorf explained it well in his article Grateful in Any Circumstances where he says "Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.  As I have said before, the circumstances we are in now, mold us into the person that we are supposed to be. I believe that there is beauty even in the ugliest of circumstances.  We just need to look for it.          
      
     Last night I was in one of those undesirable moments where it was just me and my thoughts.  Of course in those moments my mind takes me back to that dreadful email and the content it contained. As often as I try to push the images, and details that I received out, sometimes my mind freezes and I can't do much but sit there staring into oblivion sifting through those thoughts.  I was caught up in the  details of the things that went on with Brandon and my so called "friends".  The longer I was lingering on those particular thoughts the more hurt and sorrow I was drawing to myself.  I was trying to understand why he chose my "friends", and why my "friends" would do what they did to me?  During those moments I had the thought to look for the gratitude in that particular scenario.  Ha! Is there really anything to be grateful for there? I kept looking, and searching but found nothing......Until I sat down and started typing this post.  What I found was in the The Divine Gift of Gratitude talk by President Thomas S.Monson.  He said "This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways." Reading that testified to me that despite the fact that I haven't had great friends in the past, I certainly do now.  They have been by my side through the thick and thin of this all.  There was something to be grateful for.  And in that same paragraph it said "there are marriages that make it" two beautiful things to be grateful for in one paragraph! I felt like I hit the jack pot with that paragraph alone.           
      
     I know that when I look for things to be grateful for it stops me from focusing on all of the negative that surrounds me.   There can be so much to feel gloom and doom over.  I know that I can't allow myself to sink into that gloom and doom.  It will over take me, and I will be no good as a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, or a daughter.  "We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude". Thomas S. Monson         
      
     Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see but which are true.  By being grateful, we follow the example of our beloved Savior, who said, “Not my will, but thine, be done.  True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will. President Uchtdorf 
         
     I have so many things to be grateful for, and in my dark moments the ones that I reflect on the most are my 4 beautiful healthy children, and the life I have been given.  I know that when we "set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."President Uchtdorf 
     
     If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. President Thomas S Monson

I fight everyday to maintain an Attitude of Gratitude

Lots of love,
Cherae

GROUP THERAPY

First I want to thank all those who came to see our seminar with Maurice.  It was so great to see friends and family there to support us.  Thank you all.  I hope that you were able to take something away from the evening.

As I have been pondering some of the most important aspects of recovery for me it always comes back to group therapy.  There are many different groups to attend.  There are so many resources out there that are in a group setting that will be beneficial to anyone who is trying to get some sobriety.

The addiction forces isolation.  The isolation is one of the major forces of the addiction.  It is interesting to think of the isolation and how the adversary wants everyone to isolate because as one isolates they will draw away from God.  Once the isolation from God has begun then the individual will only continue to withdraw from everyone, coworkers, spouses, family and so on.  This was very true in my case.  If I was in a group setting it might have been fun but the pain of my actions would often want me to withdrawal and be alone.

As humans we want to be attached and have connections.  The adversary knows this and works very hard at getting anyone to create habits and fall into addictions so the isolation will begin.  God wants us to connect.  There will be connections in life that we come across that are meant to be.  We need to cherish those connections and draw nearer to the connections that we have already.

The greatest connection that we can have is the connection with our Heavenly Father.  As this connection secures more and more then everything else falls into place.  This connection in my opinion is the most important part of recovery.  I don't believe that one will fully recover without this connection.  Knowing that a loving Father in Heaven is there with open arms and is willing to help can get anyone out of the rut they may be in.  This connection is important for anyone even for anyone who is not suffering from an addiction.

The first time I want to an LDS Addiction Recovery Meeting I was shocked at how many others were there.  This was very eye opening to me to see actual people in a meeting that were talking openly about their addictions and how similar their struggles were to mine.  Sitting in this group meeting gave me a great sense of peace and comfort knowing that I am not alone.  The connections in these meetings is incredible.  Sitting in one meeting brought me to feel as though I was amongst brothers.  Today I know that I in any meeting I go to I am with brothers.  These connections are so awesome.
My first meeting at LifeStar was very powerful.  There were people there that I still talk to and feel very connected to.  

Sitting in a group and knowing that the others are faced with the same addictions creates a bond that cannot be created anywhere else.  Our Father in Heaven knows this.  Hence why we have quorums, wards, and so on.  We need to be together.  We need each other, we need the connections.

Recently I have been going to Men of Moroni (a group program put on by Life Changing Services).  I feel a strength and a bond with these men.  I want to be there every Sunday but family oftens takes priority at this point in my recovery.  This group of brothers is fighting for many things but mostly to be free from the addiction of pornography.  The spirit and power that is felt in these meetings is so powerful.  This group focuses on what the antidote is for the addiction, it is called warrior chemistry.  By learning how to defeat the adversary with warrior chemistry is powerful and it really works.  The principles are simple and gospel oriented.  I would encourage anyone who is looking for tools to overcome the adversary to get in this group.

I know that group therapy works.  I know that by getting into a group will only help the precession of recovery.  I know that the connections created in group will help the individual also connect with a loving Heavenly Father.  I know that the connection with Heavenly Father is necessary for complete recovery.

I continue to fight for my connection to Heavenly Father, I continue to fight to feel his love.  I fight for the love of my family and fight for better connections with them.  I fight for my brothers who are in recovery.

Brandon

LIFE LINES (PART 2)

This post really goes back to December for me.  It goes back to the day that I decided to come clean and face this monster that I could not shake.  All throughout the addiction I felt like there was no where to turn.  Nobody had been in my shoes before so how could anyone help.  I had done so much and had no idea where to turn but continued to figure I was just going to die in my addiction.

Before I told the entire story to Cherae we had invited some friends over to talk about the pornography situation with them.  My friend J had gone through his own addictions and was there for me to talk and listen and understand.  He may not realize it but he was very influential on me the night we met.  The most important thing he taught me was to tell the whole truth.  Get it all out.  I was not going to get better until I was honest with Cherae.  I think he could tell that there was more than needed to be told.  How grateful I am for him and congratulate him on his 4 years of sobriety.  He is one of my heroes.  He has been a great support and will always be a great friend.  As I told J that the Bishop wanted me to read a certain book, he just looked at me and told me to get as much out of it as I could.  I could tell that it had helped him.  I was trying to play it off but he was serious and I was impressed that I needed to buckle down and face this addiction and issues head on.

It was early in December when everything was ripped out of my hands and I had nothing to rely on and felt like there was nobody there for me.  I found myself at my parents home because where do you turn when you have nothing?  My first lifeline was my parents.  I knew how disappointed they were going to be.  It was so hard to face them and tell them the things that I had done.  I kept my head down and my hat over my eyes so they could not see my face as I was vomiting my story on them.  As I got done telling them everything and anticipated the lecture all I felt from them was sorrow and love.  I was shocked.  The more I look at the situation I feel that that is how my heavenly parents would react to a son who is trying to get back to a heavenly home.  My parents surrounded me with love.  They supported me so much to get into a recovery program and find the resources needed to overcome this addiction.  They have been true champions and such great examples to me.  Each day as I pray I thank my Father in heaven for my earthly parents.  Their love for me is real and I know that I was blessed to come to this earth and be in their care.  My parents will only understand the love that I have for them when we are on the other side together looking back on this life and then they will understand what they are to me.

As I was living at my parents and starting these different recovery programs I reached out to someone who would ultimately heal me.  I had prayed before and had always believed that Christ was there for me.  However, this situation was on a different level.  I needed Him.  I needed the love and the compassion that He had for me so that I could get better.  I know that He sends others on this earth to do His work.  I know that He loves me.  I have felt his love like never before.  I know that the pain and suffering that He has gone through has given Him the ability to understand what I have gone through.  It is my testimony that Christ loves each of us more than we will understand, more than a parent can love a child.  Christ's love is so perfect.  As I continue to reach out to him I find the answers that I need in my recovery.  I find the strength to get through each day.  I find the strength to overcome the temptations and trials that come my way.  I know that His grace is sufficient for me to overcome whatever I am faced with.  Christ will ALWAYS be the ultimate lifeline.  He will NEVER abandon anyone and I know that because he never abandoned me.  How blessed I have been to have parents who raised me with that understanding that Christ is real and loves each of us here on this earth.

Maurice was a big help to me when in 2009 I was meeting with him regarding some marriage counseling.  Although I was not honest with him at the time I learned a lot.  I would end up going back to the things he was teaching me to fight this battle.  His understanding of addiction and the enemy had been key for me.  Understanding how and when the enemy will attack is amazing.  I can receive the information from the spirit that I need to know when the next attack will be and can get prepared for it.  I suggest reading his book and understanding the principles that he teaches.  Cherae and I were able to speak today at one of Maurices conferences.  Maurice is one of my hero's.  Thanks Maurice.  You have helped me change my life.  http://www.lifechangingservices.org

LifeStar was also a huge lifeline for me.  Ken Schwab runs a great program.  He listed to me and invited me to participate in the program.  The program focuses on the addiction and understanding what it does to the brain and how destructive it is.  Ken is patient and understanding.  He has been so good to me and helping me understand the principles that the program has to offer.  The group setting for me was key so that I could see that I was not alone in this fight and others had been in my shoes.  I will appreciate Ken forever and for the program that he has to offer.  I remember telling him in the very beginning that Cherae would not participate.  The first week everyone there could tell that Cherae was not happy to be there to deal with MY issues.  Ken's promise to me was that if I worked the steps and focused on God that I would get back to Him and that my wife would be there with me.  As the weeks and months went by I could see the change in my life and the change in the life of my wife.  We were talking and communicating like we never had before.  LifeStar was critical for us and for our relationship.  Ken, you are a great man and will always be my friend.  Thank you for all you have done for me.  I also want to thank all of my brothers who were in group with me.  You were all so helpful for me.  Ian, you are a life long friend.  You and I were meant to meet.  Thank you for your friendship.  Thank you for hanging in there and continuing to fight.  You are going to be an amazing husband and father one day.  Keep going!  http://www.lifestar-davis-weber.com

ARP will be a staple for me for the rest of my life.  The LDS addiction recovery program is inspired.  It is Christ's program here on earth to help heal the sick and wounded.  He is the focus and is the reason the program works so well.  I love my group and my brothers in the program.  I love being able to go there each week and feel the spirit and feel the love that we all have for each other.  The spiritual aspect of the program has been vital for me to be able to sustain sobriety.  The program is a program of action and as long as the participant is willing to work then the program will be a success.  Just like the scriptures say "knock and it shall be opened", knocking on the door is a requirement by the person who wants to get the help.  The effort needs to be there and it has to be treated like boot camp.  Jump in, do the work, work your guts out, put all the effort you can into it.  It will work.  I know and can say that because it worked and continues to work for me.  https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng

Jake.  I can't say enough good about him.  Jake just moved into our ward and was there for me at my first 12 step meeting.  His timing of moving into the ward was not by coincidence.  I needed him to help me get on the right track.  Jake sat me down early in the recovery process and helped me understand more about it and what I needed to do in order to overcome the addiction.  As I went to LifeStar and ARP I felt like I had an advantage of already knowing what I needed to be doing.  It was amazing for me to continue to meet with Jake and get more information from him.  I am so blessed to have him in my life as a mentor and as a good friend.  Jake was there for me when I got to steps 4 and 5 in the 12 step program.  These steps are hard and gut wrenching.  It was so nice to have a friend there who could listen to my story and help me through the process.  Jake, thank you!

Just to clarify, I needed and continue to need ALL of the resources that I have written about.  They will all continue to be a guide for me in my life.  Some of the programs that I am involved with will be part of my family forever.  As we continue to work with Maurice and his program we continue to feel the spirit and feel the energy to combat the enemy.  Both of us have a love and understanding for ARP and will continue to do what is necessary to help others in the program.  I will always refer to the tools and knowledge gained in LifeStar.  I will always love my dear parents.  I can't say enough about them.  I love them so much.  I will always rely on my Savior.  I will always remain close to Him.  I will continue to turn my will over to Him because He knows what is best for me.

I also want to thank my ecclesiastical leaders who have been so loving and non judgmental.  I am so blessed to have the Bishop and Stake President that I do.  They are amazing men and have been so good for me.  I believe that they are in the positions that they are at this time because I needed both of them to help me.  I will always love and respect them for all they have done for me.  They have helped strengthen my testimony of the gospel by how they have treated me.  Thank you!

Lastly, my dear wife Cherae.  She will be my lifeline FOREVER.  She is the greatest blessing to me here on this earth.  She is there for me each day at every hour.  She will always be my hero.  She is the most amazing person.  I love her with all of my heart and am so grateful for everything that she does for me and our family.  Cherae, I love you!

I fight for my freedom from addiction.  I fight for my family.  I fight so that I can feel the spirit and have it with me at all times.  I fight for the love of God.  I fight to destroy the enemy.

Brandon.