SUPPORT

I wanted to take a few moments and review the past year and thank all the avenues and people for the support that they have given me.  This past 16 months has been an amazing journey for me.  I have seen the darkest hours and I have seen the brightest of hope.  I have seen how to put recovery into action and I have seen what it does if no action is taken.  I have and continue to be active in my rolls in recovery.  However, having so much support around me helps so much.

Yesterday I was working on my bike and had Jake over to help out.  We were discussing recovery and how others can get help.  Jake just rolled out a site and I encourage all to check it out.  it can be found at recoverywithjake.org  Sitting in my garage with a good friend and knowing that if I need him to help me through a tough time and that he will be there for me is huge.  I think that men in general feel so weak if we need to ask for help.  In recovery, I see this all the time.  Men falling down because they are simply not asking for help.  I understand that prayer and help from the Savior is the first place support should be sought from.  I also believe that the Lord placed each of us on the earth to help others and that he wants us to learn from these type of experiences.  If the Lord did not work through others then what is our purpose in creating bonds with each other?

I admit, when I was in my addiction I was too prideful to reach out for help.  I though I could handle it and that this was something only I could fix.  Wow, how wrong was I.  After nearly 16 months of sobriety I have realized that I have needed everyone and every resource to get to where I am.  My Mom and Dad have been there and will continue to be there for me.  I have felt their love and support from day one when I was sitting on their couch telling them everything that I had been through.  I am still so grateful for their reaction.  They wrapped me in their arms and told me that we will get through this.  My in-laws have been the same way.  Although I know they are still very hurt at the pain I have caused their daughter, I still feel love from them.  I know that at any time I could reach out to any of my family members and get support from them.  

All of the support group brothers that I have are more than amazing.  I have such great respect for those who are in recovery and still fight for freedom from addiction.  The bonds I create and maintain help me through each day of my life.  

The love of the Savior at times is tangible but is more frequently felt through others.  As I have been very blessed in my recovery I hope that I can be of support to others who are struggling or just be a good friend to those who are in need of a friend.  

Finding the right kind of support is critical.  I don't believe that anyone can recover from addiction without support from others.  I am so grateful for the support I continue to get and so I fight.  I will fight for the love and support of others and more importantly the love of my Savior.  

GRATITUDE

   

     First off I want to thank all of those who attended our Marriage Seminar whether in person or via web.  I was so grateful to see the room as full as it was.  I knew I was in a room filled with fellow fighters.  Brandon and I really appreciate all the support and love that we feel from you. So again a million thanks to you all.    
      
     Yesterday, our lesson in Young Women's was on gratitude, and I knew that I needed to write on that topic.  I'm sure its more for myself than for anything else.  The title of the lesson was "Why is it important to be grateful?"  I have on numerous occasions throughout the last ten months looked for reasons to be grateful in the circumstances that I am facing.  And although some days it is really hard to find them, they are there. President Monson says "When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."       
      
     It is very easy to look for reason to be grateful when things are going right for us in our lives, but what about the times when things are going terribly wrong?  I think that President Uchtdorf explained it well in his article Grateful in Any Circumstances where he says "Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.  As I have said before, the circumstances we are in now, mold us into the person that we are supposed to be. I believe that there is beauty even in the ugliest of circumstances.  We just need to look for it.          
      
     Last night I was in one of those undesirable moments where it was just me and my thoughts.  Of course in those moments my mind takes me back to that dreadful email and the content it contained. As often as I try to push the images, and details that I received out, sometimes my mind freezes and I can't do much but sit there staring into oblivion sifting through those thoughts.  I was caught up in the  details of the things that went on with Brandon and my so called "friends".  The longer I was lingering on those particular thoughts the more hurt and sorrow I was drawing to myself.  I was trying to understand why he chose my "friends", and why my "friends" would do what they did to me?  During those moments I had the thought to look for the gratitude in that particular scenario.  Ha! Is there really anything to be grateful for there? I kept looking, and searching but found nothing......Until I sat down and started typing this post.  What I found was in the The Divine Gift of Gratitude talk by President Thomas S.Monson.  He said "This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways." Reading that testified to me that despite the fact that I haven't had great friends in the past, I certainly do now.  They have been by my side through the thick and thin of this all.  There was something to be grateful for.  And in that same paragraph it said "there are marriages that make it" two beautiful things to be grateful for in one paragraph! I felt like I hit the jack pot with that paragraph alone.           
      
     I know that when I look for things to be grateful for it stops me from focusing on all of the negative that surrounds me.   There can be so much to feel gloom and doom over.  I know that I can't allow myself to sink into that gloom and doom.  It will over take me, and I will be no good as a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, or a daughter.  "We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude". Thomas S. Monson         
      
     Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see but which are true.  By being grateful, we follow the example of our beloved Savior, who said, “Not my will, but thine, be done.  True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will. President Uchtdorf 
         
     I have so many things to be grateful for, and in my dark moments the ones that I reflect on the most are my 4 beautiful healthy children, and the life I have been given.  I know that when we "set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."President Uchtdorf 
     
     If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. President Thomas S Monson

I fight everyday to maintain an Attitude of Gratitude

Lots of love,
Cherae

THE CHANGE

   

      In 10 days it will be the 10 month mark for when mine and Brandon's new life began.  10 months ago I would never have guessed I would be where I am today, let alone be where I am and still married to Brandon. Would I do it all differently if I had to do it over? No. If I had the opportunity to chose a different path for my life, would I? No (as tempting as it is). I am who I am today because of the events that have transpired in my life. I am a different person than I was 10 months ago.   I am stronger- I have proven to myself that I can do hard things. I hope to never have to endure something as painful as the last 10 months again, but I know if I'm faced with the challenge I can do it. I can do hard things. I am courageous. There are so many things to fear in this trial. I know fear comes from the adversary and although I do feel fearful sometimes, I have to remind myself of the courage it has taken to pick myself up, brush myself off, put one foot in front of the other, and hold my head high. I have found compassion where I never thought I could. Instead of hate and anger that I could so easily feel for addicts I feel sympathy, sorrow, and love. Although they are hurting their loved ones deeply, they are also hurting themselves with the help of Satan and they aren't in a place where they can even recognize that.  I have always had a really hard time taking ownership of my participation in arguments, especially when it comes to an apology.  Brandon would always be the one to apologize, just to get the argument over.  I now realize my part in a disagreement, or when I may do or say something out of line.  I have no problems saying I'm sorry now.  It used to make me feel weak and vulnerable to apologize.  I know now that an apology is not a sign of weakness but of strength.  I feel empowerment. I have realized that I don't need others to create my happiness for me. I also don't have to put up with any treatment from others that I'm not comfortable with.  I understand love in a deeper fashion.  Don't get me wrong I have always loved my husband but I can look back and see that the love I had for him had restrictions on it to protect myself from unwanted pain.  The change that Brandon has made in himself has helped to lift those restrictions so I can love him unconditionally.  I now have a desire to let my love for him grow.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ is stronger and more solid than it ever has been.  I have had to totally trust and rely on my Heavenly Father to get me though these trials, to bless me with the strength, courage, compassion, and love that I so desperately needed to become the person I am.  I have had to rely on the Atonement of my Savior to help me forgive others for the wrongs that have been committed against me, and to be forgiven of the wrongs I myself have committed towards others.  Today, 10 months later, I am a better person than I was yesterday, the day before that, and 10 months before that. I will be a better person tomorrow because I will have one more day of this fight underneath me, and one more day of growth behind me.
        Now I need to give credit where credit is deserved.  That credit needs to be given to Brandon.  None of these changes would have been made had it not been for Brandon and his life choices.  I'm not using sarcasm here.  Like I have said before I believe that the things that happen to us are not mistakes.  They may be unfortunate circumstances, but there is a rhyme to every reason and sometimes things that may look unfortunate to us end up being worth all the fortune in the world.  Fortunately Brandon's life choices have made him who he is today as well.  The "new" Brandon, as we call him, is now the husband I have always desired and the person he has always deserved to be.  He has changed in so many ways for the better.  I am hoping I can describe the changes in the way they deserved to be credited.  These are MY observations of him.  Brandon is real now.  He is not putting on an act, He is not pretending to be someone or something he is not.  Since he has been in recovery he told me that when he was in his addiction he wanted others to think highly of him.  He wanted to drive a nice car, wear nice clothes, appear as though he had endless amounts of money.  It was all about appearances for him.  He now cares more about what God thinks of him than what others do.  He drives a well used 2002 Honda civic, he still dresses nicely (because I buy his clothes for him) but would wear rags if he had to, and he is humble about his finances.  His reasoning for all of this, is because none of it matters.  And he is correct.  What matters to him now is his relationship with his Heavenly Father, and his family.  Many times Brandon's had an air of arrogance about him that was very hard for me endure when I would try to express my feelings of hurt, or anger, or lack of trust I had in him.  He has since humbled himself and has swallowed his pride.  He does acts that are of the Lords will and not his own.  Brandon shows endless amounts of compassion now.  He is now the one who has to bring to light that, I don't know what others are going through, when I may have moments of frustrations with them.  He is a "give them the benefit of the doubt"  kind of person now.  Brandon's temperament is completely opposite of what it use to be.  Brandon had no reservations about yelling at our children.  To the point of embarrassment for me.  I cringed when he would yell.  It was never violent or abusive, just very unbecoming of him.  He no longer yells, let alone raises his voice.  He is calm and collective in parental situations that would have caused him great anger in the past.  Brandon use to be selfish in only ways that I was able to see.  I was quite often disappointed in his lack of concern or care for me.  He now looks for and executes any way to serve me or our kids.  Whether it be doing the dishes for me, giving me a back rub because he knows how much I love them, looking for a special treat to buy the kids when at the store, or making the decision to write me an email exposing who he is and what he's done.  The later was his first selfless act in starting his new life. Brandon faithfully serves his Father in Heaven.  He strives each day to live his life that would be pleasing unto his Heavenly Father, always trying to do good, be positive, and serve others.  Brandon has, through his daily actions, emotions, and tender physical touches, shown love to me that I've never felt before from him.  I've always questioned whether his love for me has been genuine or not.  I now have no doubts about how much he loves me, due to his actions alone.
      I want to make it clear that  Brandon was never a horrible person, he has always been a good person, with a desire to do whats right.  He has ALWAYS been respectful (with the exception of what the addiction drove him to do) of me and my kids, and has always been kind to me.  I know all of the above negative character traits came from the addiction.  I now know that was never who he really was.  Addiction masks so much of a person, and robs them of who they truly were meant to be.  I am so grateful Brandon has been able to not only surface from this addiction but to rise above it and fight it.  I love my husband,  I will always love him.  I respect him, something I have never done before.  I am so grateful for his desire to do whats right, bettering himself, and therefore being able protect and abide over our family.  I am grateful for the spirit that is able to abide in our home now.
      Together, with the changes that we have both made I would dare say this is a recipe for an almost perfect marriage.  With Brandon by my side, I hope to change the world one person at a time.  Starting with ourselves.

I fight for the change in people to become who they are meant to be!

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Brandon and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Lots of Love,
Cherae

MY RECOVERY

For this post I want to share EVERYTHING that works for ME.  The important thing to realize is that these are personal and that everyone has a different path of recovery.  Through this path that I have been on I have realized that everything I do on a day to day basis is what keeps me sustained in sobriety and the sobriety helps me be a better person.  I know that my routines and attitude will keep me on this path for the rest of my life but I also know that I have to do this for the rest of my life.  I am happy to do whatever it takes so that I can feel the love my Father in Heaven has for me and keep my family together.

My Daily Routines:

• Prayer - I pray at least twice a day on my knees.  I think that prayer is one of the most important things for me.  It connects me to the one who has helped me most in my recovery.  When I pray I focus on the things I am grateful for.  Praying allows me to receive the promptings of the spirit.  It helps me focus on what I am doing here on earth and allows me to realize that I am just here to pass the test.  Most importantly it allows me to turn my will over to Heavenly Father.  Turning my will over each morning changes me each day.  At night I check in with Him.  I tell him about the day and I am accountable each day to Him.  He is the best accountability partner.  He knows my heart, He knows my thoughts, He knows my desires.  I am so grateful for prayer.  I find myself at work praying all the time and even when in traffic.  I will say that with faith I have had all my prayers answered.  I know my Heavenly Father is there for me.
• Journal - I never thought a journal would be so beneficial but it is.  I took the advice from a good friend who made the suggestion of doing a gratitude journal.  By writing the things that I am grateful for it changes me.  It helps me focus on a different outlook in life.  There are times when I write how the day was or special experiences that I had but I still write about the things I am grateful for that day.  Writing is a great avenue to express emotions.  Each day when I write I also note how many days of sobriety that I have.  I typically write the day after so that I make sure my days of sobriety are accurate.  My journal has become something that I look forward to and I feel my attitude change each day when I write.  
• Scriptures - My commute to work is about 40 min in the morning and can be up to an hour coming home.  I have been using this time to listen to the scriptures.  I love being able to put it on shuffle and listening to the different versus and chapters that bring me closer to my Savior.  This has become so important to me that I do this each day.  Even if it ends up being for 5 minutes I still need it.  The scriptures are part of putting on my armor.  I have a love for the scriptures that I have never had before.  I have become closer to my Father in Heaven by doing this each day and trying to understand the message.  I listen to the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants.  I enjoy listening to the war chapters and about the trials the saints faced.  It helps me realize that we have our own challenges at this time.  We are in a war and yes, we're being persecuted.  There is so much peace in reading the scriptures.  I love feeling the peace.
• Books - I love reading now.  I love learning and growing when reading about anything that helps me grow either spiritually or intellectually.  I was never much of a reader but find it very important for me to stay focused on my growth as an individual.  I also find it very peaceful when I am reading.  It is an opportunity for me to fill my mind with positive thoughts and then create positive actions.  The reading is essential.  When I am reading I can understand more about the tools that help me in recovery, learn about gospel principles and I can feel the spirit.
• Email/Text - this was a regular for me when I first started into recovery.  I would send Cherae an email every night and let her know how my day was going.  I still check in with her each night.  Checking in is vital.  It allows me to show my emotion and let her know exactly where I am each day.  This helps her so she can see I am being transparent and it helps me knowing that each night I GET to check in with my wife.  I do not want to disappoint her.  I also don't want to disappoint my Father in Heaven.  I have started this routine again so that she knows exactly where I am at since she does not read my journal and see how many days of sobriety that I have.  So, it is either a text or an email and I also let her know how important she is in my life and how much I love her.  It is hard for her to understand that I have always loved her.  Yes my feelings were masked but I have always loved her.  It makes me feel good knowing that I can now say without any feelings being masked that I love her so much and that she is so special to me.  She always has been and always will be.  Anyway, a text or email each day helps me focus on her.  She is part of my recovery.
• Find ways to create safety for my wife each day.  This is new for me.  I have just changed up my dailies this week and I want to do this each day.  Ask myself "how can I battle to create safety for my wife today".  Yes, it is a battle and I realize that I have many battles ahead of me. I think that everyone does in life but it is important for me to work my backside off so that she feels safe around me.  There are many times when she does not feel that so I am going to look at the train wreck I have created and fix it one piece at a time.  Creating safety for my wife is important for me and for her.  I know that as I continue to do this it will help our relationship.  

The dailies keep me in check a lot.  I also want to share what my check ins are with my wife each day so hopefully it will help others.  This is not rocket science, it is just being open.  Again, this works for me and if you end up putting a twist on it that is great if it works for you.  I check in with 5 categories; Physically - I state how I am feeling physically.  I could be tired or hungry or I could be sore from falling in a man hole (that really did happen), Emotionally - this one is important because it is when I realize that my emotions are off that is when I am being attacked.  Understanding this helps me recognize when my wife or kids are under attack as well.  Emotions are huge.  It is so important to realize where I am at emotionally at every hour of every day.  This is how the Adversary gets his foot in the door.  Spiritually - looking for the spiritual effects of the day or revelation or just an experience is important for me because it means that I am connected with God.  This is so important for me to know where I stand with Him and for me to realize that it is a gift for me to be here on this earth.  I feel the spirit when I am close to it so I look for it at all times during the day.  Yes, even at work, on the commute and all other times.  Sexually - this is where I tell my wife if I have had any slips, thoughts or temptations for the day.  I also let her know in this category if I have done anything that my Father in heaven would be disappointed about.  It helps me knowing that I have to report to my wife and if I have had a slip, she will know before I tell her.  I believe that women are naturally connected with God and with the spirit much more than men.  They know when something is off and can tell us before we even act out.  Sorry guys, that is just a fact.  Self Care - this is important because it means that I am taking time for myself.  It means that I care enough about me that I am going to do something that is important for me each day.  Some days are going for a bike ride with a friend and other days are reading a book or going on a date with my wife.  It does not need to be something that I do alone.  It is just important that I recognize that I am doing something that will benefit me for the day.  

Daily routines and check ins are something that were taught to me by a good friend who helped me get on the path of recovery before I even started going to any classes.  I am so thankful to him for getting me off on the right foot.  However, it takes one to really let go and let God for recovery to happen.  J and I were talking about this the other day.  One can go to class to show their spouse they are interested in getting help.  But 3/4 of the equation is really turning your life over to God.  It is my humble opinion that one will not get any recovery without the spiritual help.  

I fight for my wife's safety, I fight for her love.  I fight for the love of my Father in Heaven and I fight to feel the spirit each day.  I fight to help others along the way.  I fight because I want my brother who just passed away to know I am finally on the right path I want him to know I love him and will work hard the rest of my life so that I can one day be with him.

Brandon

MY WILL

When I was a kid I remember watching a movie with some of my friends about a mine collapsing and the kids were running to go save their dads that were in the mine.  My friend asked me if I would run in.  I told him no that the mine would also kill me.  He told me that was selfish.  He was right.  I am selfish and have been selfish for years.  I have recently learned how selfish I have been.  Doing anything for anyone else has always been a struggle.  Being selfish is not something that I desire but think that to some degree being selfish is something that comes naturally to all.  My will is something that not only hurts me but it is painful looking back at how selfish I have been.  I never had concern for anyone or anything while in my addiction.  Yes, the addiction really helps one become selfish.  The adversary does a great job at isolating and creating a selfish individual.

Step 3 in ARP is "Trust in God" and it is all about turning ones life and will over to Heavenly Father.  Neal A. Maxwell states; "The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar...but when we begin to submit ourselves by letting  our wills be swallowed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him".  I have found this to be true.  Each day when I pray in the morning I turn my life and will over to God.  I ask him to take my heart.  I tell him that I will do ANYTHING he ask of me and promise to do His will.  This has been a big change for me.  Not only do I feel I have so much more peace in my life but I feel as I continue to tun my life and will over to God I have so much more freedom.  I am free from addiction, I am free from worrying about any lies, I am free from fear and I love the feeling I have knowing that I am doing everything my Father in heaven wants me to do.

I feel that I had a little different experience in my recover regarding turning my life and will over to God.  I got to the point where I was done.  I hit my rock bottom and knew I was done but needed help.  I feel like King Lamoni's father "I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy."  He was willing to do anything to feel the love of God.  I too am now willing to do anything to feel the love that my Father in heaven has in store for me.

As I continue to turn my life and will over to God I feel so close to him.  I can now say that I am working on being selfless and I am working on doing my Father's will.

Just a few quick examples of turning my will over: I am not bringing these up because I feel I am better than anyone.  I just bring these up because these were sacrifices for me but have brought me closer to God.  Music - I use to listen to so many different varieties of music.  I have a lot of music stored and was always looking forward to the new album.  Well, I have given it all up.  I listen to Mormon channel, my Pandora channel has one station now and it is Mo. Tab. and I also listen to a Christian radio station that has some great songs that bring in the spirit.  Time - I sacrifice time for my kids now when I didn't before.  I love the time I spend with them now.  I used to be so caught up in everything else that I never made time or gave them time.  I think as children that is all they want is time.  Not a perfect parent but time with the parents they have.  TV/Media - I only get my news from KSL or Deseret News.  I don't go to Fox or other media sources due to adds that are not appropriate for me.  I only watch selected shows with my wife.  I have to be very careful what I watch but am happy to give up the terrible TV shows that are on.  Language - this was not much of a sacrifice to me but I feel that when I give my will up I only use appropriate language and always talk respectfully to my wife and children.  My wife - I look for ways to serve my wife and kids.  Something so small like buying a blizzard or a box of Dilly Bars from DQ for the family makes me feel happy.  I look for ways to help at home now, kitchen, laundry and cooking with my wife.  I love being able to serve with an attitude of gratitude.

I love being able to turn my life over to the care of God.  I know as I do this my future is secure. "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all knowing God".

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him FOREVER in the next.  Amen"  -- Reinhold Niebuhr

I will continue to do His will.  I fight for his love.  I fight for my freedom from the adversary.  I fight for my family.

Brandon

LIFE LINES (PART 2)

This post really goes back to December for me.  It goes back to the day that I decided to come clean and face this monster that I could not shake.  All throughout the addiction I felt like there was no where to turn.  Nobody had been in my shoes before so how could anyone help.  I had done so much and had no idea where to turn but continued to figure I was just going to die in my addiction.

Before I told the entire story to Cherae we had invited some friends over to talk about the pornography situation with them.  My friend J had gone through his own addictions and was there for me to talk and listen and understand.  He may not realize it but he was very influential on me the night we met.  The most important thing he taught me was to tell the whole truth.  Get it all out.  I was not going to get better until I was honest with Cherae.  I think he could tell that there was more than needed to be told.  How grateful I am for him and congratulate him on his 4 years of sobriety.  He is one of my heroes.  He has been a great support and will always be a great friend.  As I told J that the Bishop wanted me to read a certain book, he just looked at me and told me to get as much out of it as I could.  I could tell that it had helped him.  I was trying to play it off but he was serious and I was impressed that I needed to buckle down and face this addiction and issues head on.

It was early in December when everything was ripped out of my hands and I had nothing to rely on and felt like there was nobody there for me.  I found myself at my parents home because where do you turn when you have nothing?  My first lifeline was my parents.  I knew how disappointed they were going to be.  It was so hard to face them and tell them the things that I had done.  I kept my head down and my hat over my eyes so they could not see my face as I was vomiting my story on them.  As I got done telling them everything and anticipated the lecture all I felt from them was sorrow and love.  I was shocked.  The more I look at the situation I feel that that is how my heavenly parents would react to a son who is trying to get back to a heavenly home.  My parents surrounded me with love.  They supported me so much to get into a recovery program and find the resources needed to overcome this addiction.  They have been true champions and such great examples to me.  Each day as I pray I thank my Father in heaven for my earthly parents.  Their love for me is real and I know that I was blessed to come to this earth and be in their care.  My parents will only understand the love that I have for them when we are on the other side together looking back on this life and then they will understand what they are to me.

As I was living at my parents and starting these different recovery programs I reached out to someone who would ultimately heal me.  I had prayed before and had always believed that Christ was there for me.  However, this situation was on a different level.  I needed Him.  I needed the love and the compassion that He had for me so that I could get better.  I know that He sends others on this earth to do His work.  I know that He loves me.  I have felt his love like never before.  I know that the pain and suffering that He has gone through has given Him the ability to understand what I have gone through.  It is my testimony that Christ loves each of us more than we will understand, more than a parent can love a child.  Christ's love is so perfect.  As I continue to reach out to him I find the answers that I need in my recovery.  I find the strength to get through each day.  I find the strength to overcome the temptations and trials that come my way.  I know that His grace is sufficient for me to overcome whatever I am faced with.  Christ will ALWAYS be the ultimate lifeline.  He will NEVER abandon anyone and I know that because he never abandoned me.  How blessed I have been to have parents who raised me with that understanding that Christ is real and loves each of us here on this earth.

Maurice was a big help to me when in 2009 I was meeting with him regarding some marriage counseling.  Although I was not honest with him at the time I learned a lot.  I would end up going back to the things he was teaching me to fight this battle.  His understanding of addiction and the enemy had been key for me.  Understanding how and when the enemy will attack is amazing.  I can receive the information from the spirit that I need to know when the next attack will be and can get prepared for it.  I suggest reading his book and understanding the principles that he teaches.  Cherae and I were able to speak today at one of Maurices conferences.  Maurice is one of my hero's.  Thanks Maurice.  You have helped me change my life.  http://www.lifechangingservices.org

LifeStar was also a huge lifeline for me.  Ken Schwab runs a great program.  He listed to me and invited me to participate in the program.  The program focuses on the addiction and understanding what it does to the brain and how destructive it is.  Ken is patient and understanding.  He has been so good to me and helping me understand the principles that the program has to offer.  The group setting for me was key so that I could see that I was not alone in this fight and others had been in my shoes.  I will appreciate Ken forever and for the program that he has to offer.  I remember telling him in the very beginning that Cherae would not participate.  The first week everyone there could tell that Cherae was not happy to be there to deal with MY issues.  Ken's promise to me was that if I worked the steps and focused on God that I would get back to Him and that my wife would be there with me.  As the weeks and months went by I could see the change in my life and the change in the life of my wife.  We were talking and communicating like we never had before.  LifeStar was critical for us and for our relationship.  Ken, you are a great man and will always be my friend.  Thank you for all you have done for me.  I also want to thank all of my brothers who were in group with me.  You were all so helpful for me.  Ian, you are a life long friend.  You and I were meant to meet.  Thank you for your friendship.  Thank you for hanging in there and continuing to fight.  You are going to be an amazing husband and father one day.  Keep going!  http://www.lifestar-davis-weber.com

ARP will be a staple for me for the rest of my life.  The LDS addiction recovery program is inspired.  It is Christ's program here on earth to help heal the sick and wounded.  He is the focus and is the reason the program works so well.  I love my group and my brothers in the program.  I love being able to go there each week and feel the spirit and feel the love that we all have for each other.  The spiritual aspect of the program has been vital for me to be able to sustain sobriety.  The program is a program of action and as long as the participant is willing to work then the program will be a success.  Just like the scriptures say "knock and it shall be opened", knocking on the door is a requirement by the person who wants to get the help.  The effort needs to be there and it has to be treated like boot camp.  Jump in, do the work, work your guts out, put all the effort you can into it.  It will work.  I know and can say that because it worked and continues to work for me.  https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng

Jake.  I can't say enough good about him.  Jake just moved into our ward and was there for me at my first 12 step meeting.  His timing of moving into the ward was not by coincidence.  I needed him to help me get on the right track.  Jake sat me down early in the recovery process and helped me understand more about it and what I needed to do in order to overcome the addiction.  As I went to LifeStar and ARP I felt like I had an advantage of already knowing what I needed to be doing.  It was amazing for me to continue to meet with Jake and get more information from him.  I am so blessed to have him in my life as a mentor and as a good friend.  Jake was there for me when I got to steps 4 and 5 in the 12 step program.  These steps are hard and gut wrenching.  It was so nice to have a friend there who could listen to my story and help me through the process.  Jake, thank you!

Just to clarify, I needed and continue to need ALL of the resources that I have written about.  They will all continue to be a guide for me in my life.  Some of the programs that I am involved with will be part of my family forever.  As we continue to work with Maurice and his program we continue to feel the spirit and feel the energy to combat the enemy.  Both of us have a love and understanding for ARP and will continue to do what is necessary to help others in the program.  I will always refer to the tools and knowledge gained in LifeStar.  I will always love my dear parents.  I can't say enough about them.  I love them so much.  I will always rely on my Savior.  I will always remain close to Him.  I will continue to turn my will over to Him because He knows what is best for me.

I also want to thank my ecclesiastical leaders who have been so loving and non judgmental.  I am so blessed to have the Bishop and Stake President that I do.  They are amazing men and have been so good for me.  I believe that they are in the positions that they are at this time because I needed both of them to help me.  I will always love and respect them for all they have done for me.  They have helped strengthen my testimony of the gospel by how they have treated me.  Thank you!

Lastly, my dear wife Cherae.  She will be my lifeline FOREVER.  She is the greatest blessing to me here on this earth.  She is there for me each day at every hour.  She will always be my hero.  She is the most amazing person.  I love her with all of my heart and am so grateful for everything that she does for me and our family.  Cherae, I love you!

I fight for my freedom from addiction.  I fight for my family.  I fight so that I can feel the spirit and have it with me at all times.  I fight for the love of God.  I fight to destroy the enemy.

Brandon.