DECEMBER

December is supposed to be the best time of year when everyone is happy and full of the Christmas spirit.  this December may be a little different in that this past Thursday marked my first year of sobriety.  I am so grateful for the sobriety that I have been blessed with.  I wanted to write about this past year, how the recovery has blessed me and my family and how my testimony of the Savior, His grace and following His will has put me on the path of recovery.

Looking back one year I recall the feeling that I had that I was ready to give up the life I had been living for myself and was willing at that point to do whatever it was going to take in order to find sobriety, recovery and peace.  I had been carrying around too much.  The stress, anxiety, isolation, anger, and all the other garbage that followed me was killing me.  I was drowning in the depths of the traps and snares the adversary had set and was hopeless.  There was no way for me to find help.  I had resorted to the frame of mind that I was going to die in my sins and deal with the consequences at the time of judgement.

On December 5, 2013 I was able to peel back the first of several layers of the lies.  It was painful.  It was terrifying,  It was awful for me and for my poor wife who just had her heart broken shattered.  It was the start and that is all I really needed in order to start the process of coming clean.  Clean from the addiction and clean from my sins.  I had to start somewhere and this was the right time.  I don't know why but I knew it was to be right then.

With no hesitation I found a LDS ARP 12 step meeting and started attending.  I still go every week and will continue to go for as long as I feel the Lord wants me to attend.  It may be for the rest of my life but that is ok.  The program has helped strengthen my testimony of the Atonement.  After all, the Atonement is the single greatest event ever on earth and is the only way any of us can return to Heavenly Father.  There is no other way.  I have always had the testimony but was hopeless.  How grateful I am for the hope that the program has brought to me.  I know the program is Christ's program, it is his way of healing the sick and afflicted here on earth.  It works.

Going through the program each week brings me peace, comfort and greater strength.  Working each of the steps each week helps me focus on the Savior throughout the week, day and at each needed moment.

I know that everyone has their own path of recovery.  I know that my recovery is unique and I am truly grateful for it.  I am blessed each day with the love of God through the spirit and through the lives of others.  My family, my parents, siblings, in-laws, and so on have been a blessing to me.  Everyone has reached out to me with open arms.  Each of them have been a support in one way or another.  Each of them have given me strength and they have all shown me love.  I know that love the most powerful tool because it will prevail.  How grateful I am for the love that has been shown to me.

The message I want to get across to anyone willing to listen is that there is hope and healing.  Recovery is possible.  There is a greater plan and it is available to all who are willing to listen and open their hearts.  I know that as I continue to work the steps and do the will of my Father in Heaven I will continue to be blessed with sobriety.

I know that Satan is real and that he is relentless.  He is willing to do whatever it takes to win a soul.  He knows no boundaries.  Nothing is off limits for him.  He will do anything to get people to follow him.  I know that he is knocking at everybody's door.  I know he can be defeated.  I know I can continue to defeat him.  It feels so great to kick him in the teeth.

I will continue to fight for my sobriety, for the love that I feel from others around me, for my wife and for her safety, and I will continue to fight so that I can return to a loving Heavenly Father.

Brandon

GRATITUDE

   

     First off I want to thank all of those who attended our Marriage Seminar whether in person or via web.  I was so grateful to see the room as full as it was.  I knew I was in a room filled with fellow fighters.  Brandon and I really appreciate all the support and love that we feel from you. So again a million thanks to you all.    
      
     Yesterday, our lesson in Young Women's was on gratitude, and I knew that I needed to write on that topic.  I'm sure its more for myself than for anything else.  The title of the lesson was "Why is it important to be grateful?"  I have on numerous occasions throughout the last ten months looked for reasons to be grateful in the circumstances that I am facing.  And although some days it is really hard to find them, they are there. President Monson says "When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."       
      
     It is very easy to look for reason to be grateful when things are going right for us in our lives, but what about the times when things are going terribly wrong?  I think that President Uchtdorf explained it well in his article Grateful in Any Circumstances where he says "Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.  As I have said before, the circumstances we are in now, mold us into the person that we are supposed to be. I believe that there is beauty even in the ugliest of circumstances.  We just need to look for it.          
      
     Last night I was in one of those undesirable moments where it was just me and my thoughts.  Of course in those moments my mind takes me back to that dreadful email and the content it contained. As often as I try to push the images, and details that I received out, sometimes my mind freezes and I can't do much but sit there staring into oblivion sifting through those thoughts.  I was caught up in the  details of the things that went on with Brandon and my so called "friends".  The longer I was lingering on those particular thoughts the more hurt and sorrow I was drawing to myself.  I was trying to understand why he chose my "friends", and why my "friends" would do what they did to me?  During those moments I had the thought to look for the gratitude in that particular scenario.  Ha! Is there really anything to be grateful for there? I kept looking, and searching but found nothing......Until I sat down and started typing this post.  What I found was in the The Divine Gift of Gratitude talk by President Thomas S.Monson.  He said "This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways." Reading that testified to me that despite the fact that I haven't had great friends in the past, I certainly do now.  They have been by my side through the thick and thin of this all.  There was something to be grateful for.  And in that same paragraph it said "there are marriages that make it" two beautiful things to be grateful for in one paragraph! I felt like I hit the jack pot with that paragraph alone.           
      
     I know that when I look for things to be grateful for it stops me from focusing on all of the negative that surrounds me.   There can be so much to feel gloom and doom over.  I know that I can't allow myself to sink into that gloom and doom.  It will over take me, and I will be no good as a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, or a daughter.  "We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude". Thomas S. Monson         
      
     Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see but which are true.  By being grateful, we follow the example of our beloved Savior, who said, “Not my will, but thine, be done.  True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will. President Uchtdorf 
         
     I have so many things to be grateful for, and in my dark moments the ones that I reflect on the most are my 4 beautiful healthy children, and the life I have been given.  I know that when we "set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."President Uchtdorf 
     
     If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. President Thomas S Monson

I fight everyday to maintain an Attitude of Gratitude

Lots of love,
Cherae

TIME

     

        We all know the saying "Time heals all wounds", but have you ever really thought about that simple phrase.  I never have until recently.  In our society and in our ever present day and age we are a people of instant gratification.  We want everything NOW!  We have email because heaven only knows we can't wait for things to arrive in the mail.  Especially with jobs these days.  The postal service couldn't deliver mail fast enough for the things we need to do our jobs correctly.  There's "fast food" for the moments we don't want to, or don't have the time to cook.   And lets not look past electronics.  We have texting to immediately chat with someone because again, who wants to wait for the time it takes to correspond through the mail.  We use Google on a daily basis to find the answers to our questions while online, and if thats not enough we have Siri that we can ask and immediately get our answers.  All of these things are of great value to us.  I often wonder how we would possibly get through life without them, but the one thing that these instant resources don't teach us is patience.
       Through the first few days of Brandon's post disclosure oh how I wanted an instant fix.  Who wouldn't right?  The pain was almost to intolerable to bear, I needed it removed from me.  Not to mention how was I going to get through this unbearable trial?  TIME.  And unfortunately when you are put in situations such as mine, TIME also feels like your worst enemy.  During a session I had with Maurice (http://www.lifechangingservices.org) he told me about a specific culture who lived in the "now" due to how many natural disasters their country encounters each year.  They never know if there will be a tomorrow.  He told me of a form of meditation they use to live in the "now".  Find a moment and use all 5 of your senses.  Listen- to what is going on around you, even if you think your in a place where there is no sound if you listen you will find something.  Smell- your baby's blanket, a comforting scent, whatever is in the air.  See-your surroundings, a flower blossoming, the trees turning colors, a cloud covered sky, look around you.  Feel-touch something, or feel something touching you.  Taste- whether it be the gum you are chewing, or the lunch you may be eating, just really taste.   I recall a particular moment early on in my recovery that I was having a very hard time and I remembered this exercise Maurice had told me about.  I was in the shower sobbing, I sat on the floor of the shower and let the water fall on me and used all 5 of my senses.  I concentrated on nothing else but that moment and those senses, and while doing that I told myself over and over "right now in this moment you are safe".  Using that exercise got me through that moment that day.  I have used it many other times when feeling unsafe.
        Sometimes time seems to stand still.  Especially when every day is just like the one before.  I woke up every morning knowing that I was dealing with the effects of Brandons' actions, they were the same actions that effected me the day before, and the day before that.  Those actions were NEVER changing and NEVER going away, they were forever going to be a part of my life.  And so time stood still.  How do I fix the next day so his past actions would have a different effect?  (Now thats a loaded, million dollar question isn't it?) I prayed more, read scriptures more, pushed thoughts out of my head and replaced them with comforting ones,  and most of all I tried to change my outlook on the situation.  I started to look for the positives as to why this happened.  Changing my thoughts from "WHY ME", to "why NOT me"? And before long my days were not as still as they had been.  Time was moving again for me, and without realizing it that "time" was starting to heal me.  Now don't get me wrong here, there is ALOT more that we all need to heal than just "time".  But time is a big contributing factor into healing.
        Heavenly Father knows what our needs and wants are, and nine times out of ten we are not immediately granted those needs and wants.  They all take time, and during that time is when we grow in strength.  A Warrior never became a Warrior over night.  It takes time, and patience, and the proper training to become a Warrior.  We go through trials in our life to strengthen us, to teach us whatever it is we need to learn, and to prepare us for greater things to come.  A sweet lady told me recently of her deepest darkest moment in her life and in her depths of despair her brother told her that "what happened to her may have been a tragic accident, but it was no mistake".  Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes.  We are all going through the exact trials that we, ourselves need to be going through.  I encourage you to turn to your Heavenly Father during those trials, lean on him, know that he is there, and allow for "time" and the atonement to heal ALL your wounds.

Please take a moment to watch this short clip on The healing power of Jesus Christ
http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3736551143001


I fight for all of you who are struggling.  May peace be with you

Lots of love,
Cherae