LIFE LINES (PART 1)

        I have received many emails asking for directions of where to turn for support, and healing.  I feel as though I have become quite the expert in this area since I have had experience in searching these things out myself.  Most of them I have been involved with whether its been past or present.  I have had so many wonderful positive experiences participating within these groups.
        I should first start of with giving credit to four certain individuals.  The first two are B & J (for privacy sake I am only using there first initial).  They have been long time friends of ours and they have been though hell and back from J's own addictions.  They paved the way for us individually and helped point us in the right direction for recovery.  B had always been an angel in my eyes, and I look up to her in more ways than one can imagine.  She is truly an example of Christ.  She stuck with her husband through the deep and darkest moments in his life.  At times I didn't know how she did it.  Her persistence of being a supportive wife kept their family together.  She was and still is an amazing strength for her 3 young kids, who at times didn't have their dad living in the home.   She never sugar coated anything for me.  She told me like it was.  Sometimes I wondered why she couldn't have just softened things just a bit.  Looking back I am grateful for her bluntness, and lack of sugar coating.  It made me stronger quicker and helped me to accept the truth for the ugly beast it was.  I will always cherish the special friendship that I have with that sweet angel.  
        Jake and Polly are the second two.  What heaven sent angels they have been to us as well! Almost literally.  Jake is a recovering addict and Polly has worked in the anti porn industry for many years with such organizations as Women for decency and now is the director of public relations for Addo recovery.  They moved into our ward 1 month before Brandon came clean and I don't doubt for one moment that their move into our ward was a coincidence.  My bishop had told me there was another couple in our ward who was very open about this topic.  When he told me who they were I had no idea who he was talking about.  He had talked to them and given them our names (with our permission of course).  One day, closely follow the "confession" I had a few close friends over helping me deal with my life.  The door bell rang and I answered it.  It was Polly coming to introduce herself.  This was my first time meeting her and I felt a comfort about her knowing that here stood someone who could relate to me.  She wasn't able to stay for long, and with a group of women already there it wasn't really the time to dive into what help I needed.  She followed up with me in the days following.  I remember a particular day that I was desperately struggling.  I was home alone and feeling like I couldn't breath, let alone survive this new life of mine.  Again, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there stood Polly.  I couldn't speak, the tears just started flowing.  I knew in that instant she was sent to me that day from a loving Father in Heaven who knew what I needed in that very moment.  She came in and sat down with me and listened to me, gave me advice, and a direction to go for help and healing.  There have been numerous occasions since then that I have called her in tears asking for help to understand feelings I was having, fears I was facing, and how to get through my day to day functions.  She ALWAYS had good advice to give and I always walked away from her feeling so much better.  She is the one who I give credit to in helping me to really understand how to "let go, and let God".  Polly has a comedy blog that I would encourage you to check out.  http://www.comingtogrips.net.   In the beginning it was really hard for me to reach out.   I can't put my finger on why, all I wanted to do was isolate myself, not deal with it.  I would think thoughts like, talking to someone about this is not going to make me feel any better, and nothing anyone can say or do is going to heal me.  As much as that may or may not be true, its a start.  We all need a place to start our healing.  Mine started with  "B", and with Polly.  Those two life lines saved me.  They pointed me in the right direction and in my opinion gave me a head start in my recovery process.  I will always be ever grateful for them.
        Maurice W Harker, LPC (http://www.lifechangingservices.org).  That name says it all if you ask me.   Maurice is the man who had all the right answers for me.  He is the founder and director of "The sons of Helaman", which is a specialized self-mastery training system for young men who wish to overcome pornography and other sexual addictions, he also has a similar program that teaches the same concepts for adult men who are trying to overcome sexual addiction it is called "Men of Moroni".  Maurice Specializes in marriage therapy (especially of sexual misbehaviors are part of the problem).  He knows his stuff, and is very passionate about it.  He has helped me progress beyond measures in my recovery.   Life changing services also has a wonderful therapeutic group for women.  W-O-R-T-H, Women Of Rebirth Therapeutic Healing.  Within the month WORTH will be starting a  new in person group session, and on online one as well for those who don't live close by. This will be a free program led by a clinician that life changing services will offer.  It was very important and crucial for me to find a therapist in whom I trusted greatly.  Having previously been to him for marriage counseling I knew thats where I needed to turn for my "professional" healing.
        Addiction Recovery Program/ ARP (https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng).  This is the 12-step program put on by the LDS church.  It is free and they are held at many different locations, different times, and for different types of addictions.  They have one specifically for sexual addictions.  There are meetings for the addict and for the spouses of addicts.  The one I attend is for the wives of the addicts.  It is full of women who are looking for healing and recovery.  It teaches how to apply to atonement in your life to forgive  those who have wronged you.  It is amazing how much healing comes when you realize how to apply the atonement in your life.
        LifeSTAR (http://www.lifestarnetwork.com) is a great program for husband, wives and individuals who are looking for hope, healing, and recovery due to unwanted compulsive sexual behaviors and addictions.  This course was crucial for me in the early stages of healing.  It helps to explain the addiction, how it works, what its doing to their brains, how to find the root of why they turn to this addiction, how the addict can learn new behaviors that are healthy to replace the addictive ones, and how to heal.  It also really helped me to understand that the addiction is not about me or my weight, or how I look.  It taught me how to let Brandon "own" actions.  What he does is not because of me.  Im not responsible for the choices he makes.   LifeSTAR also has taught the both of us a much healthier way to communicate with one another and those around us.  Self care is also stressed in lifeSTAR.  Spending time on you.   Making sure you are taking care of yourself.  As women we tend to overlook our needs when we are in fight or flight mode.  Whether it be something as little as 5 min, it needs to be done.  When you are on an airplane receiving instructions on what to do in an emergency situation, the flight attendant tells the adult to first, put the mask on him or herself, and then the child.  You will be of no help to that child if you don't insure your survival first.  Take care of yourself!  Im not talking about being selfish, just enough time for you to step away from your troubles for and breath.
         Addo Recovery (http://addorecovery.com) has free 6 week on line recovery program for betrayal trauma.  They specialize in pornography addiction, sexual addiction, betrayal trauma, and other related issues.  I haven't started my course yet.  I've gotten so far as to sign up for it, and plan to begin in soon. This is where my good friend Polly now works and speaks highly of the help and healing that is offered.  *She did speak highly of them even before she started working for them*
        These are just a few of the many "LIFE LINES" that are out there to help with hope, healing, and recovery.  Not all of these will be for everybody.  You need to find the ones that work for you.  I would suggest trying many different ones.  You will find that each organization has something a little different to offer than the others.  For me it has been helpful in my recovery to be involved in a few at a time.
        Last of all, there are many different forms of "LIFE LINES".  They don't all come in the form of an organization as you well saw at the beginning of this post.  They come in many different ways.  My 4th child has been a lifeline for me.  I now know that she was reserved to come to our family just before the time of disaster was to strike to keep my mind distracted and focused on taking care of a toddler during a time of crisis.  She has preoccupied my mind and kept me company on many occasions when my older kids were at school and it was me and her alone at home.   Life lines come in the form of someone reading your blog and reaching out to you for hope and a life long friendship begins.  Life lines come in small miracles.  They are all around you.  You don't notice them until you are aware to start looking for them.  I pray for you all to search out and find the life lines that are best suiting for you in your healing and recovery process.

I fight for My healing, and for Brandon's recovery  

Lots of love,
Cherae

 
     

A TRUE CHRISTMAS

       Christmas morning there was a knock on the door at 7 o'clock a.m. The kids raced to the door. They were so excited to see their Dad along with Nana and Papa.  We made our way down to the basement and the kids opened their gifts.  It was a humble christmas yet full of Christmas spirit.  I had previously purchased a few gifts for Brandon that I hoped to have some sentimental value in the future. When all the kids were finished opening their gifts I gave Brandon his.  His eyes filled with tears when I explained the meaning of the gifts.  It warmed my heart to see his gratitude.  We finished up with our little family traditions then headed to his parents house and enjoyed yet more Christmas cheer.  It was time to head up to my parents house and I asked him if he'd like to join us.  He was very torn.  Wanting to go with us, but not having faced my family yet was a hesitating factor for him.  I left with the kids and started on our merry way.  I had the idea that Brandon would be close behind us.  I didn't give it much thought and continued on.  We were greeted at my parents with all my family there.  It was good to feel myself and kids surrounded with the love that my family has for us.  Shortly after our arrival the door bell rang and like all kids do they ran to open the door.  I heard my kids happily saying "Daddy, Daddy" and I turned my head just in time to see Brandon walk into the family room.  I was happy yet not surprised to see him there.  My heart went out to him for the courage he must be relying on to face my family.  They all greeted him with lengthy hugs, and lots of "We love you's".  I hope that in those moments he felt the unconditional love they all had for him.  We opened christmas presents and ate some lunch and then Brandon and I headed to my parents study to talk.  I asked him what his thoughts and hopes were between us.  He told me he knew that our family would be together and that things were going to work out.  Tears started streaming down my face as I gently nodded my head and silently agreed with him.  I then felt impressed to tell him that I will be there waiting for him when he is clean.  Ive never seen him shed so many tears.  I told him of my pleadings with my Heavenly Father and what the answers to those pleadings were.  He continued to cry.  In that moment I was again so greatly reassured by my Father in Heaven that everything would work out and that WE would be ok.  I hugged him. I didn't plan it, and it caught both of us off guard but it was the most full of love hug I had ever experienced with him to that point in our lives.  We continued to openly talk about our future together, felt the spirit confirm all that we had discussed, and shed many more tears.  The Christmas I had dreaded and feared the most turned out to be the best Christmas I had ever experienced.

I fight for my kids, for Brandon, and for myself, to remain together as an eternal family

Lots of love,
Cherae

THE INTERNET

I was planning on writing on a different subject today but I feel that I need to write specifically on the internet and how it is in the process of destroying thousands of individuals and families.

 For me the internet was really up and running when I returned home from my mission. I remember how easily and readily the content was on the internet. It soon became something that was not a desire to seek out but a need. A fix. Pornography is a drug and if you are not familiar with its effects it is just as powerful as drugs that are taken by a drug addict. It was only at the computer that this content was available. It was free and nobody needed to know about it but me. It was easy to start hiding my tracks. It was not effecting anybody but me (so i thought). I think I can say this for all pornography addicts, I soon became really good at covering my tracks, making it seem as though nothing was going on, keeping this secret deep down inside because I was ashamed of what I was doing and what it was doing to me. This new avenue of viewing was destroying my life by changing my perspective in life and making me lose the focus on what mattered most. What matters most is validation from God and from NO other avenue or source that could potentially be available.

For those of you who are parents of children and youth I want to reach out to you. I want you to know that if you think for one second that your children are safe on sites that you think are safe you need to check again. Before I came clean and told my wife what I had done I was not even using a web browser to feed my addiction. Aps are littered with pornography, aps that teens are using all the time. Any social media site has pornography on it. If your loved one is spending too much time posting, and tweeting and pinning then you might want to check out their content. Aps are the main source of images and clips of pornography. These aps that are on the devices make the pornography available at any time in any location. With no protection on phones, tablets or other devices we are only asking for the pornography to find us because at some point it will.

So, for me to feel safe online I have several rules. At work my computer faces the door so anyone at any given moment can see what I am looking at. This is a small price to pay for me feeling safe. I subscribe to a web service call covenant eyes www.covenanteyes.com that sends a daily report to my wife showing everything I have looked at online each day. This brings me comfort knowing that this is going to her and it also brings her comfort knowing that she can see what is being viewed. I run Open DNS on my home router and K9 on my home devices. I don't get the computer out at home alone. Ever. I don't feel safe when I am doing that.  Creating safety is essential in recovery for the one recovering and the one who has been offended.

There are a ton of resources out there to help with keeping the use of the internet safe. The largest factor for me is actually getting the help needed so that I can be online and feel safe. Covenant Eyes is a Christian based company with the purpose of helping families feel safe online. The adversary has found a way into the home of the poor, rich, religious, young, old, male and female.  It is a growing problem and I am now doing everything to fight against it.  I know that hate is a very strong word but I hate what pornography has done to my life.  I hate the paths that I walked because of it.  I hate that I lost out on time spent with my children.  I hate everything about it.  Now, I have the opportunity to fight against it, and so I fight for my family, I fight to be safe online and I fight to help my family be safe online.  I fight to educate my kids so that they are aware of the dangers and the traps that the adversary sets out for the youth.  I fight to be close to my Savior.  I love him and his pure love will win every battle that I am faced with.

Brandon

COURAGE

I remember sitting on the edge of the tub while my wife was getting ready on a Saturday.  She had discovered some of the things that I had done but not even close to the full extent.  She sat there and told me that she did not believe me and that there was more that I am not telling her.  I know that she was inspired as all women have this natural ability to feel the spirit when something is wrong in their family.  I am so grateful that women are inspired and have this ability to know when things are not right.  She was feeling it this particular day and every other day for the last 15 years I had lied to her telling her that nothing was wrong and that I don't know why she was feeling that way.  This day was different.  This was going to be the day that I told her my story and crawled out from under the rock I had been hiding under for two decades.  I was not sure of the outcome but knew that it was going to be really bad.  It was going to tear the family into pieces and I was not sure how it was going to come back together.  I knew that there was going to be a tremendous fight in front of me but knew that I was going to fight for it.  No matter what came of it or how she reacted I was going to fight for our family to be together.  It was going to be one of the worst days of my life but I knew that it had to happen for me to get better.  I had tried to get out of the addiction so many times with so many failed attempts.  When a loved one would pass away I would say to myself "that will never happen again", when one of our kids was close to getting baptized I would repeat the same thing, when we had a child I would say the same thing, I would delete an app and say I'm never going back there again, all of these cycles would pull me back in because I had not purged EVERYTHING.  Purging EVERYTHING is the only way that an addict will get better.  Holding anything back will only hinder the progress.  Letting a little bit out at a time does not start the healing progress.  For me, and keep in mind that everyone is different, but it was that simple and small act of courage to start the healing process.

One of my friends in ARP often refers to coming to group for the first time as opening the 10,000 pound door.  It takes a lot of courage to show up to the first meeting.  It is not easy but it is one of the best feelings ever.  Finding yourself in a room of guys who have been in your shoes, who love you and have compassion on you and your situation, who do not judge and only want to see you progress and will reach out to you to help you in any way get better.  

Remember, Christ is our older brother and has already paid the price for our sins.  He has been below us no matter what our situation is.  He is there for us with open arms no matter what we have done or are doing and will be there for us the second that we reach out.  The courage to reach out to our Savior is what it takes for our hearts to turn so that the addict can fully open up and start the healing process.  

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference".  It takes courage to change the things that we can.  It is not easy but is necessary for the healing to begin.

It is my prayer that those who are suffering from an addiction will have the courage to reach out, find the help they need, receive the help that is out there and feel the love that Christ has for them.  

It takes courage to fight.  I continue to fight for my family, for my wife who has been so good to me and I fight so that I will continue to have the spirit with me.  Looking at the path of destruction I have created each day takes courage.  It takes courage to face my demons.  However, I know that this is the only way that I can fix the things that I have done.  I love where I am at right now.  I love that I am building and not destroying.  I love that I have the spirit with me.  

Brandon

PICKING UP THE PIECES

        In the days and moments following that catastrophic email I was in a bubble of hell.  I spent many moments on my knees in prayer and always kept an ongoing prayer in my heart every second of every day.  One of my first prayers was me pleading with my Heavenly Father as to what I'm supposed to do with this situation.  I told him that I would be willing to work this out if all the secrecy and betrayal was over, but that I couldn't take anymore of it in the future.  I then asked, if this addiction was to continue to please let me be free.  I knew I had to do his will, despite what I wanted to do.  I wanted to run as far away from this man that I no longer knew, but I had the distinct feeling that this awfulness was over.  I knew right in that moment that I needed to stay married to Brandon and to help him through this battle.  I had but a brief glimpse of my eternal family.... TOGETHER and realized that this life is but a mere moment in the grand eternities of it all.  Not to mention I wasn't going to let the advisory win this fight.  For those of you who know me know just how stubborn I am, which usually is to my disadvantage.  But this time stubbornness was on my side.

        Now that I knew Gods will for me to stay married I had to figure out how to digest it all and where to begin in picking up the pieces.  I took it one day at a time.  I communicated with Brandon through his parents.  I had no desire what so ever to talk to him let alone hear his voice.  I would make arrangements with his Mom to come get the kids so brandon could spend time with them.  I would let the kids call him whenever they wanted to talk to him.  Those phone calls usually ended with the kids in tears and me sick to my stomach when hearing his voice on the line.  It would absolutely break my heart seeing the pain this was causing them.  I would give them the best comfort that a confused and broken mother could, but I knew deep down they were dying inside.

        Brandon lost his job a few weeks into this due to the effects of an addicts actions.  So of course the time came when I had to face him to get our finances figured out.  I asked his parents to be there because I knew there was no way I would be able to face him alone.  We met at my in laws.  I was in their office talking to the both of them when I saw Brandon walk through the door.  Oh boy were my triggers going off like wild fire.  I did not look at him once.  I kept my eyes focused on the floor, all the while my legs were bouncing, I was fidgeting with my fingers.  Any thing to try and keep me calm and not break down crying.  I didn't even know this man in the room with me.  I could sense his presence but it was not a familiar one.  The conversation ended and I made my exit as quickly as possible and returned home allowing myself the breakdown I was trying so hard to suppress earlier.

        I eventually went from using my in laws for communicating with Brandon, to emailing him.  Im not much of an emailer so it was still an impersonal way to communicate with him.  Not to mention I felt really horrible putting his parents in that position.  I still had no desire to see him at this time, but one snowy day I got a phone call from a friend telling me to not go outside Brandon was out there.  So what do I immediately do?  I ran to the front window to look outside and there he is shoveling my driveway.  He looked beaten down and broken himself, he looked utterly devastated.  In those moments I was flooded with so many emotions. I was sick to my stomach, angry, confused, but the one that I remember feeling the strongest was sorrow.  Here was a man, another human being who had messed up (royally) who was struggling in his lowest moments ever, and yet he was at my house shoveling my driveway.  I would love to say that I had the courage to go out and talk with him.  But I didn't.  I stayed cowered down in my home.

        Emailing then turned to texting.  Each day I was feeling a little more alive.  Not much, but bit by bit I was coming around.  Texting was so much more convenient and quicker.  Christmas was drawing close.  As a Federico family tradition every year we go to dinner and a movie.  I was faced with, do I go and put on my best face and be strong, or do I have my kids go without me and spend time with their dad.  Brandon had offered to stay home so I would feel more comfortable going, but it was his family we were going with.  He had every right to be there.   I didn't want to miss out on that favorite family tradition with my kids so I made the decision to go.  Talk about awkwardness.  We were on texting terms but facing him was a whole different ball game.  It was hard, it was very hard.  He looked better though, his hair was cut and he was freshly shaven.  I said as little as possible to him that night but the ice had been cut, not broken yet just cut.  Next was christmas eve at his parents house, again I decided to go for my kids.   I was trying to make things as normal as possible despite the HUGE elephant in the room.  I then had to make the decision of having him over christmas morning or not.  Now that was a difficult decision.  I didn't feel I was prepared for a whole day of christmas cheer with him, but these were his children and he needed them Christmas day as much as I did.  I invited him over with the stipulation that his parents come with him.  I still didn't have the strength to be with him alone.

LUST

I have loved going to 12 step meetings each week.  I love and appreciate each step that is reviewed weekly.  I have great relationships with those who are in the groups with me.  I love that they are also fighting for their freedom from addictions.  The shares and the spirit that is in each meeting is very spiritual and very powerful.  I have needed to go to these and other meetings weekly in order to get out of the trench that this addiction set me it.  With the help of ARP and LifeStar I have been able to find the root of the addiction.  Lust.  There are countless scriptures that refer to lust and why we should avoid lusting.  I am a really slow learner and did not understand the magnitude of lust and how it can destroy a soul.  Lust sets the hook deeper and deeper.  If you are not sure what lust is then do some research on it.  I recommend the scriptures to understand what it is and why this must be avoided.  Lust vs. Love: temporary pleasure compared to lasting happiness.  As humans we want, this could be a new dirt bike or a new car, we also have carnal desires.  Taming the desires is what the Lord wants us to do.  Letting our thoughts run wild and eventually acting on those is exactly what the Adversary wants us to do.  Spending time with Maurice has really helped me understand the power of the adversary.  He has been here for thousands of years training to destroy those who allow him to get his "toe in the door" of their soul.  Don't think that he has not mastered the skill of getting into our thoughts.  He has.  The thoughts that come into our minds that are not of God, well they only come from Satan.  Sometimes we do not control the thoughts that come into our minds.  However, we can do something about the thoughts as they come in.  Our brains can only have one thought at a time, so like a swinging door we need to let the bad thought leave and replace it with a positive thought and not let the bad thought back in.  This takes time and training.  At first for me it seemed impossible and hearing people say sing a hymn had no power over the thoughts.  Now, I have several go to hymns that I sing in my mind if a thought comes in.  Distracting the thought quickly helps it stay out.  Focussing on the words of the hymn now do the trick for me.  "I Need Thee Every Hour" is my favorite because it reminds me that I do need the grace from God each hour.  

Every addiction is like a tree.  There hundreds of branches and each branch is a way of acting out or it could be a behavior associated with the addiction.  To kill the tree we can try and try and try to chop of the branches only to watch them grow back slowly or we can open the earth, get into the root system and destroy the tree with some root killer.  Point being, lust is really the root of my addiction and many others who are recovering from an addiction to pornography.

I recently saw a movie with my wife where the character relived each day until his mission was complete.  This movie reminded me of recovery from an addiction to lust.  Each day he would get a little further and find out a little more information then he would die and start over.  It took him a long time to get all the information so that he could finally destroy the enemy.  He worked hard and had to turn over every stone so that he had all the information and tools needed.  Recovery takes time, behaviors that have been in motion are now being reversed, tools are being discovered, thought processes are changed, and the light of Christ is entering as this continues.  All of this continues until the perfect day.

Don't dwell on thoughts, they will eventually catch up and destroy you.  I know this due to my first hand experience.  I also know that thoughts can be controlled and lust can be overcome.  I never thought it possible but with Christ, all things are possible.

Brandon 

HOPE

        First, I want to start this entry off by saying Thank You.  Since we have started this blog the out pouring of love and support has been tremendous. The comments, and emails that we have received give us so much encouragement. So Thank You.

        Today I want to throw HOPE out there to all of you men and women who are in need of it.  It is so hard to be hopeful in a hopeless situation.  Going through this trial I have learned so many things, one of which is there are NO hopeless situations.  I remember as a young girl, and later in my life, my father giving me guidance by telling me "if you don't have hope, you don't have anything".  There is ALWAYS hope.  It may not come easy.  I found that myself.  How on earth could I have hope, given the situation that I was in?  For me hope came in the form of the atonement.  Christ paid for our sins.  I always knew that, and I always knew that when I sinned I would be forgiven.  Never did I think about having to utilize the atonement to help me forgive others.  I had many wise people council me to "let the atonement work for me". At first I had no idea how I was supposed to let the atonement work for me, I wasn't the sinner, I hadn't done anything wrong. Then one day after so many prayers asking for help to get me through this awful situation I started to understand how to "let it work for me" and that came in the form of hope.  I had to hope.  What more was there?  If Christs' atonement for others' sins meant that they could be forgiven, then there is hope for them to become whole again. The same goes for those who have been sinned against.  There was hope for me to be whole, and hope for my marriage to be whole.   I knew it would be a process, but nothing ever comes easy.   I love this talk on hope by President Uchtdorf.   https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-infinite-power-of-hope?lang=eng#listen=audio

         So for those of you struggling, with whatever it may be, addiction, betrayal, divorce please know that there is hope.  I feel it daily.  Sometimes in small doses but its there. All it takes is a small amount of hope and once you nurture it and excerpt faith then that hope can grow and help you in dealing with the trials you've been given.

        You are not alone.  Your never alone.  There is always someone who is facing the same trials you are.  Please don't let discouragement get you.  As President Uchtdorf states in his talk "Never surrender.  Never allow despair to overcome your spirit".

I fight for hope.  Not just for myself, but for all of those who desperately are in need of it.

Lots of Love,
Cherae