SUPPORT

I wanted to take a few moments and review the past year and thank all the avenues and people for the support that they have given me.  This past 16 months has been an amazing journey for me.  I have seen the darkest hours and I have seen the brightest of hope.  I have seen how to put recovery into action and I have seen what it does if no action is taken.  I have and continue to be active in my rolls in recovery.  However, having so much support around me helps so much.

Yesterday I was working on my bike and had Jake over to help out.  We were discussing recovery and how others can get help.  Jake just rolled out a site and I encourage all to check it out.  it can be found at recoverywithjake.org  Sitting in my garage with a good friend and knowing that if I need him to help me through a tough time and that he will be there for me is huge.  I think that men in general feel so weak if we need to ask for help.  In recovery, I see this all the time.  Men falling down because they are simply not asking for help.  I understand that prayer and help from the Savior is the first place support should be sought from.  I also believe that the Lord placed each of us on the earth to help others and that he wants us to learn from these type of experiences.  If the Lord did not work through others then what is our purpose in creating bonds with each other?

I admit, when I was in my addiction I was too prideful to reach out for help.  I though I could handle it and that this was something only I could fix.  Wow, how wrong was I.  After nearly 16 months of sobriety I have realized that I have needed everyone and every resource to get to where I am.  My Mom and Dad have been there and will continue to be there for me.  I have felt their love and support from day one when I was sitting on their couch telling them everything that I had been through.  I am still so grateful for their reaction.  They wrapped me in their arms and told me that we will get through this.  My in-laws have been the same way.  Although I know they are still very hurt at the pain I have caused their daughter, I still feel love from them.  I know that at any time I could reach out to any of my family members and get support from them.  

All of the support group brothers that I have are more than amazing.  I have such great respect for those who are in recovery and still fight for freedom from addiction.  The bonds I create and maintain help me through each day of my life.  

The love of the Savior at times is tangible but is more frequently felt through others.  As I have been very blessed in my recovery I hope that I can be of support to others who are struggling or just be a good friend to those who are in need of a friend.  

Finding the right kind of support is critical.  I don't believe that anyone can recover from addiction without support from others.  I am so grateful for the support I continue to get and so I fight.  I will fight for the love and support of others and more importantly the love of my Savior.  

TRAUMATIZED MARRIAGE WORKSHOP (WITH BONUS STORY: "THE SOUTHERN BELLE")

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The following story is just a portion of the book:

"I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay, but That's Okay".

This book is now available in eBook form.  
Text "Imnotokay2" to 91011 or {CLICK HERE} to get your own copy.

- - - - - - - - - -

Sadly, most married couples I work with start with a visit from the wife who quickly falls into tears of pain after entering my office.  While I do have cases where the wife is the one who hurt the husband, today I am going to talk about how to work through things when the husband hurts the wife.

When a Man has Hurt a Woman

And how to fix it

Parable of the Southern Belle

     This story could take anyplace, but it works best for me if I imagine a father sitting on the front porch of his plantation style home in the South.  He looks down the long graven drive lined by large trees on both sides.  He sees an old sports car driving a little faster than usual up the drive which comes to a gravel-flinging stop by the porch.  The teen-age girl (who happens to to be the man's daughter) jumps out of the passenger's seat and yells at the young man who has been driving, "I hate you!  And I never want to see you again!"  As she slams the door and starts to run up the steps in to the house, he opens his door and over the roof of the car hollars, "I'm sorry!  I didn't mean to hurt you!"

     The father, (just like you would, gentlemen), reaches for his shotgun that he keeps on the porch...just in case.  The young man sees what the father is doing, jumps back in his car, and drives away as fast as he can.  The father pulls the trigger a few times, but misses on purpose, his only goal is the scare the boy away forever.  That night he holds his daughter in his arms and hopes to console her.   "Why do boys have to be so stupid!"  And with a deep breath, he remembers to himself, "Just like he was at that age."

The next day, the father gets quite a surprise.  Once again, the father is on his porch when he sees that same car slowly driving up the gravel drive.  He reaches for his gun and takes the proper position on the middle step.  The young man slowly gets out of his car. 

"You got a lot of nerve coming back here young man," the father says.  "You won't be talking to my daughter today, nor ever, so why don't you get back in that fancy car of yours and drive away before I have to put some holes in you and your car."

Meekly, but bravely, the young man replies with, "I am not here to talk to your daughter, Sir, I am here to talk to you."

This shocks the father a bit, who after a spell of silence asks, "Well, what is it you want to say?"

The young man looks up for the first time to make eye contact with the father and says, "I feel really bad for hurting your daughter.  She is really important to me and I made an immature mistake.  Before I try to make it up to her, Sir, I want to make it up to you.  What would you have me do, Sir?"

The father, even more surprised, pauses for a moment to ponder.  He has no interest in putting his daughter in harms way by allowing this young man to see his daughter again, but at the same time, this father has never seen such wisdom and courage in a young man.  For that matter, he remembers that when he was that age, he would not have handled the situation this good.  Also, there is the question, "Is this young man a flash in the pan with enthusiasm, or is he willing to back his words up with actions."  So, a little test.

"Alright, young man, I want you to take that fancy car of yours, drive down to town square, take one of your clean white t-shirts and write on it real big, "I hurt ----- and I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix it."  Then attach that shirt like a flag to the town flag pole and raise it up high.  Then take a picture of it with you fancy phone camera and post it on Facebook for all to see.   Okay?"   Now, if you haven't already guessed, the initial intent of this list of expectations is just to get rid of the kid.  No punk teenager is going to follow through with those instructions.

To his surprise, the young man replies, "Yes Sir."  He jumps in his car and drives away.  Thirty minutes late the father, just out of curiosity, checks his Facebook and finds that the young man has followed through.  "Well how about that!"  What does that mean about this kid?  He must seriously love the girl.  He is brave.  He is humble.  Impressive.   So far.

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Starting 12 February, 2015

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The next day the father sees the young man driving up the gravel road again.  "What can I do for you next to prove myself to you?"  

"Hmmm.  See those fallen trees over there?  See that ax?  I need that all split into firewood for the winter.  Have at it."

-Why is the Father having him do these things?

-If the young man continues on this path, how is the Father going to talk with the daughter?

-How does it benefit the Father and the daughter if the young man gets impatient and drives away, never to come back?

-How does it benefit the Father and the daughter if the young man stays patient and persistent?

If the young man continues to work to build a relationship with the Father,  the Father will come to several conclusions.

-He respects me, therefore I can trust him to respect my daughter.

-When he is here, he is not off chasing other girls or other immature distractions.

If consistent, the Father will start having conversations with his daughter about the impressive character of the young man.  The Father wants his daughter to stay away from the young man until he demonstrates true character change.  Once he demonstrates that he will be a better man than the other alternatives for his daughter, he will begin to encourage her to give the young man another chance.  Most women are naturally forgiving once they feel safe.  And in my experience, that sense of safety will not come directly from the man, but must come as a spiritual manifestation for the woman.

Imagine if the young man says to the Father on the first day he comes back to the house, “Get out of the way, old man, and let me talk to your daughter.”  Or, “This is none of your business, we don’t need to involve you.”  Or, “I don’t trust your ability to convince her of my value, I need to tell her straight forward that I am a good man and she needs to get over what happened.”

In my professional experience, those couples who let the Father be the mediator are much more likely to experience a miracle of recovery and happy healing than the others who are impatient and work around him.  

We offer 2 programs for people who find themselves in this unfortunate situation.
Both are now available long-distance, through webinar style training.

For the Men:
Men of Moroni

Specialized Training
in Self-Mastery
and Marriage Repair

For the Women:

The W-O-R-T-H group

free Therapist led
Healing/Guidance/Support



The above story is just a portion of the book,

 "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay, but That's Okay".

 This book is now available in eBook form.  

Text "Imnotokay2" to 91011 or {CLICK HERE} to get your own copy.

- - - - -

DECEMBER

December is supposed to be the best time of year when everyone is happy and full of the Christmas spirit.  this December may be a little different in that this past Thursday marked my first year of sobriety.  I am so grateful for the sobriety that I have been blessed with.  I wanted to write about this past year, how the recovery has blessed me and my family and how my testimony of the Savior, His grace and following His will has put me on the path of recovery.

Looking back one year I recall the feeling that I had that I was ready to give up the life I had been living for myself and was willing at that point to do whatever it was going to take in order to find sobriety, recovery and peace.  I had been carrying around too much.  The stress, anxiety, isolation, anger, and all the other garbage that followed me was killing me.  I was drowning in the depths of the traps and snares the adversary had set and was hopeless.  There was no way for me to find help.  I had resorted to the frame of mind that I was going to die in my sins and deal with the consequences at the time of judgement.

On December 5, 2013 I was able to peel back the first of several layers of the lies.  It was painful.  It was terrifying,  It was awful for me and for my poor wife who just had her heart broken shattered.  It was the start and that is all I really needed in order to start the process of coming clean.  Clean from the addiction and clean from my sins.  I had to start somewhere and this was the right time.  I don't know why but I knew it was to be right then.

With no hesitation I found a LDS ARP 12 step meeting and started attending.  I still go every week and will continue to go for as long as I feel the Lord wants me to attend.  It may be for the rest of my life but that is ok.  The program has helped strengthen my testimony of the Atonement.  After all, the Atonement is the single greatest event ever on earth and is the only way any of us can return to Heavenly Father.  There is no other way.  I have always had the testimony but was hopeless.  How grateful I am for the hope that the program has brought to me.  I know the program is Christ's program, it is his way of healing the sick and afflicted here on earth.  It works.

Going through the program each week brings me peace, comfort and greater strength.  Working each of the steps each week helps me focus on the Savior throughout the week, day and at each needed moment.

I know that everyone has their own path of recovery.  I know that my recovery is unique and I am truly grateful for it.  I am blessed each day with the love of God through the spirit and through the lives of others.  My family, my parents, siblings, in-laws, and so on have been a blessing to me.  Everyone has reached out to me with open arms.  Each of them have been a support in one way or another.  Each of them have given me strength and they have all shown me love.  I know that love the most powerful tool because it will prevail.  How grateful I am for the love that has been shown to me.

The message I want to get across to anyone willing to listen is that there is hope and healing.  Recovery is possible.  There is a greater plan and it is available to all who are willing to listen and open their hearts.  I know that as I continue to work the steps and do the will of my Father in Heaven I will continue to be blessed with sobriety.

I know that Satan is real and that he is relentless.  He is willing to do whatever it takes to win a soul.  He knows no boundaries.  Nothing is off limits for him.  He will do anything to get people to follow him.  I know that he is knocking at everybody's door.  I know he can be defeated.  I know I can continue to defeat him.  It feels so great to kick him in the teeth.

I will continue to fight for my sobriety, for the love that I feel from others around me, for my wife and for her safety, and I will continue to fight so that I can return to a loving Heavenly Father.

Brandon

GRATITUDE

   

     First off I want to thank all of those who attended our Marriage Seminar whether in person or via web.  I was so grateful to see the room as full as it was.  I knew I was in a room filled with fellow fighters.  Brandon and I really appreciate all the support and love that we feel from you. So again a million thanks to you all.    
      
     Yesterday, our lesson in Young Women's was on gratitude, and I knew that I needed to write on that topic.  I'm sure its more for myself than for anything else.  The title of the lesson was "Why is it important to be grateful?"  I have on numerous occasions throughout the last ten months looked for reasons to be grateful in the circumstances that I am facing.  And although some days it is really hard to find them, they are there. President Monson says "When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."       
      
     It is very easy to look for reason to be grateful when things are going right for us in our lives, but what about the times when things are going terribly wrong?  I think that President Uchtdorf explained it well in his article Grateful in Any Circumstances where he says "Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.  As I have said before, the circumstances we are in now, mold us into the person that we are supposed to be. I believe that there is beauty even in the ugliest of circumstances.  We just need to look for it.          
      
     Last night I was in one of those undesirable moments where it was just me and my thoughts.  Of course in those moments my mind takes me back to that dreadful email and the content it contained. As often as I try to push the images, and details that I received out, sometimes my mind freezes and I can't do much but sit there staring into oblivion sifting through those thoughts.  I was caught up in the  details of the things that went on with Brandon and my so called "friends".  The longer I was lingering on those particular thoughts the more hurt and sorrow I was drawing to myself.  I was trying to understand why he chose my "friends", and why my "friends" would do what they did to me?  During those moments I had the thought to look for the gratitude in that particular scenario.  Ha! Is there really anything to be grateful for there? I kept looking, and searching but found nothing......Until I sat down and started typing this post.  What I found was in the The Divine Gift of Gratitude talk by President Thomas S.Monson.  He said "This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways." Reading that testified to me that despite the fact that I haven't had great friends in the past, I certainly do now.  They have been by my side through the thick and thin of this all.  There was something to be grateful for.  And in that same paragraph it said "there are marriages that make it" two beautiful things to be grateful for in one paragraph! I felt like I hit the jack pot with that paragraph alone.           
      
     I know that when I look for things to be grateful for it stops me from focusing on all of the negative that surrounds me.   There can be so much to feel gloom and doom over.  I know that I can't allow myself to sink into that gloom and doom.  It will over take me, and I will be no good as a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, or a daughter.  "We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude". Thomas S. Monson         
      
     Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see but which are true.  By being grateful, we follow the example of our beloved Savior, who said, “Not my will, but thine, be done.  True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will. President Uchtdorf 
         
     I have so many things to be grateful for, and in my dark moments the ones that I reflect on the most are my 4 beautiful healthy children, and the life I have been given.  I know that when we "set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."President Uchtdorf 
     
     If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. President Thomas S Monson

I fight everyday to maintain an Attitude of Gratitude

Lots of love,
Cherae

GROUP THERAPY

First I want to thank all those who came to see our seminar with Maurice.  It was so great to see friends and family there to support us.  Thank you all.  I hope that you were able to take something away from the evening.

As I have been pondering some of the most important aspects of recovery for me it always comes back to group therapy.  There are many different groups to attend.  There are so many resources out there that are in a group setting that will be beneficial to anyone who is trying to get some sobriety.

The addiction forces isolation.  The isolation is one of the major forces of the addiction.  It is interesting to think of the isolation and how the adversary wants everyone to isolate because as one isolates they will draw away from God.  Once the isolation from God has begun then the individual will only continue to withdraw from everyone, coworkers, spouses, family and so on.  This was very true in my case.  If I was in a group setting it might have been fun but the pain of my actions would often want me to withdrawal and be alone.

As humans we want to be attached and have connections.  The adversary knows this and works very hard at getting anyone to create habits and fall into addictions so the isolation will begin.  God wants us to connect.  There will be connections in life that we come across that are meant to be.  We need to cherish those connections and draw nearer to the connections that we have already.

The greatest connection that we can have is the connection with our Heavenly Father.  As this connection secures more and more then everything else falls into place.  This connection in my opinion is the most important part of recovery.  I don't believe that one will fully recover without this connection.  Knowing that a loving Father in Heaven is there with open arms and is willing to help can get anyone out of the rut they may be in.  This connection is important for anyone even for anyone who is not suffering from an addiction.

The first time I want to an LDS Addiction Recovery Meeting I was shocked at how many others were there.  This was very eye opening to me to see actual people in a meeting that were talking openly about their addictions and how similar their struggles were to mine.  Sitting in this group meeting gave me a great sense of peace and comfort knowing that I am not alone.  The connections in these meetings is incredible.  Sitting in one meeting brought me to feel as though I was amongst brothers.  Today I know that I in any meeting I go to I am with brothers.  These connections are so awesome.
My first meeting at LifeStar was very powerful.  There were people there that I still talk to and feel very connected to.  

Sitting in a group and knowing that the others are faced with the same addictions creates a bond that cannot be created anywhere else.  Our Father in Heaven knows this.  Hence why we have quorums, wards, and so on.  We need to be together.  We need each other, we need the connections.

Recently I have been going to Men of Moroni (a group program put on by Life Changing Services).  I feel a strength and a bond with these men.  I want to be there every Sunday but family oftens takes priority at this point in my recovery.  This group of brothers is fighting for many things but mostly to be free from the addiction of pornography.  The spirit and power that is felt in these meetings is so powerful.  This group focuses on what the antidote is for the addiction, it is called warrior chemistry.  By learning how to defeat the adversary with warrior chemistry is powerful and it really works.  The principles are simple and gospel oriented.  I would encourage anyone who is looking for tools to overcome the adversary to get in this group.

I know that group therapy works.  I know that by getting into a group will only help the precession of recovery.  I know that the connections created in group will help the individual also connect with a loving Heavenly Father.  I know that the connection with Heavenly Father is necessary for complete recovery.

I continue to fight for my connection to Heavenly Father, I continue to fight to feel his love.  I fight for the love of my family and fight for better connections with them.  I fight for my brothers who are in recovery.

Brandon

NO PORN CLUB POD CAST

   

      Hey all,  just wanted to give a quick shout out.  Brandon and I will be doing a 30 min pod cast tonight with Jennifer who is one of the founders of No Porn Club, at 6:30 p.m. MST. We'd love to have you all tune in!  To listen to the podcast go to blogtalkradio.com/nopornclub.  And while your at it please check out the No Porn Club at nopornclub.org or follow them on Facebook and twitter.  They are amazing people doing amazing things!  Also don't forget about our Life Changing Marriage Seminar with the ever fabulous Marice Harker on October 24, 2104 @ 7:00 p.m. It is approaching quickly so please call Carol 801-558-5952 to make your reservations.  Brandon and I are very excited for this opportunity to publicly speak about our journey.  We'd love to see you all there.  One last thing, we are now on twitter (@andsoifight) so please come follow us!  We love you all and appreciate all the support we are receiving from you.

Please keep fighting,

Lots of love,
Cherae

FEELINGS REVEALED

This post may be really lame to the average Joe because it is all about my feelings.  I have been so out of touch with my feelings for so long now due to the addiction that each day I feel the smoke clear just a little bit more.  The numbing that the addiction has done to my feelings is incredible (and not in a good way).  My recovery has caused me to look back, and realize that I really had so much less compassion than I thought I had, so much less love than I thought I had, and the list goes on and on.  Through the reading and learning that I have done over the past 10 months has shown me that my brain was literally rerouting and looked like a piece of swiss cheese.  I continue to feel the healing because I now have more feelings and am more sensitive to those feelings.  I am not out there each day looking to see if I have these feelings but they are just showing up out of nowhere.  It is remarkable.  

I feel that I need to explain something here regarding my feelings towards my wife.  This is going to sound so hypocritical of me and it is true.  However, I really felt like even through my addiction I loved my wife.  I feel like that was masked a lot but there was love for her.  I just did not know how to express it or actually show her what love was.  I never intended on hurting her even though my actions were contrary to my feelings towards her.  Addiction will do that to anyone.  The addict never has the intentions of hurting their loved ones.  We just can't control our lives to show our true intentions.  I understand that to the loved one of the addict it just sounds like a lame excuse.  Well, over time the actions will speak louder than words.  I am not trying to stick up for the addict here but I know that there will be a huge difference in the addict who is in true recovery and the addict who is for their spouse and not for their own personal safety and progress.  

I remember being in traffic jambs before thinking that all these idiots need to get going because I have places to be and things to get done.  Not once did I ever consider that a family may have just been turned upside down due to the actions of others and they could all be in a lot of pain and suffering.  Well, that is where my thoughts turn these days.  Getting on the freeway the other day I was in tears on the phone with my wife because I was hoping and saying a prayer in my heart that nobody was seriously injured or killed. in an accident that I had passed on the road.  That may sound a little ridiculous but it is true.  The compassion that I have on others is real now.  This is even more evident with the feelings that I have for my family and specifically my wife.  In Maurice Harker's book "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay, and That's Okay" it states "First. These men are patient with how long it takes for their women to recover from the pain that has been caused. The male brain is designed to "move on" and forget the past much better than a woman's mind. Many men think that women WANT to hold on to the past. The men who handle this correctly stop thinking they comprehend the mind of their women. They learn to be patient and have trust that the woman will heal and leave behind the past as fast as she can. Please note that there is no joy for her to remember painful events in the past. In fact, it hurts her more than it hurts you. Compassion is a much more useful response than frustration. It is selfish to make it all about YOUR pain when the past is discussed, when it is time for HER pain to be discussed and resolved."  Some of the attributes that have come to me are patience and compassion.  I have not been out there reading books on how to get these but rather just following the will of my Savior.  I know that as I continue to do this and follow his example that these attributes will follow.  This has been very evident to me as I have changed without trying to change.  

Becoming aware of my feelings has been very insightful.  The deep love I have for my family (wife, kids, parents, in laws, siblings, and so on) is so intense.  I will do anything to protect them.  I love them on a much deeper level.  In the "Proclamation to the World" which Maurice also refers to, it talks about the three items the man of the household should be doing; preside, provide and protect.  All of these are very hard to do when there are no feelings.  I know now that with the feelings I have I want to do nothing more in life than preside, provide and protect my family.  I want to do these over anything else because I know that my Father in Heaven wants me to.  Not only do I want to do these because my Father in Heaven wants me to but it is now this burning desire inside me to make sure that my family is being taken care of.  The deep feeling of compassion for my family is more intense than ever.

I will continue to fight for my family.  I will fight for their needs.  I will fight to protect them.  I will fight for their freedom.  I will fight to show them the way to the Savior.

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Cherae and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Brandon