DECEMBER

December is supposed to be the best time of year when everyone is happy and full of the Christmas spirit.  this December may be a little different in that this past Thursday marked my first year of sobriety.  I am so grateful for the sobriety that I have been blessed with.  I wanted to write about this past year, how the recovery has blessed me and my family and how my testimony of the Savior, His grace and following His will has put me on the path of recovery.

Looking back one year I recall the feeling that I had that I was ready to give up the life I had been living for myself and was willing at that point to do whatever it was going to take in order to find sobriety, recovery and peace.  I had been carrying around too much.  The stress, anxiety, isolation, anger, and all the other garbage that followed me was killing me.  I was drowning in the depths of the traps and snares the adversary had set and was hopeless.  There was no way for me to find help.  I had resorted to the frame of mind that I was going to die in my sins and deal with the consequences at the time of judgement.

On December 5, 2013 I was able to peel back the first of several layers of the lies.  It was painful.  It was terrifying,  It was awful for me and for my poor wife who just had her heart broken shattered.  It was the start and that is all I really needed in order to start the process of coming clean.  Clean from the addiction and clean from my sins.  I had to start somewhere and this was the right time.  I don't know why but I knew it was to be right then.

With no hesitation I found a LDS ARP 12 step meeting and started attending.  I still go every week and will continue to go for as long as I feel the Lord wants me to attend.  It may be for the rest of my life but that is ok.  The program has helped strengthen my testimony of the Atonement.  After all, the Atonement is the single greatest event ever on earth and is the only way any of us can return to Heavenly Father.  There is no other way.  I have always had the testimony but was hopeless.  How grateful I am for the hope that the program has brought to me.  I know the program is Christ's program, it is his way of healing the sick and afflicted here on earth.  It works.

Going through the program each week brings me peace, comfort and greater strength.  Working each of the steps each week helps me focus on the Savior throughout the week, day and at each needed moment.

I know that everyone has their own path of recovery.  I know that my recovery is unique and I am truly grateful for it.  I am blessed each day with the love of God through the spirit and through the lives of others.  My family, my parents, siblings, in-laws, and so on have been a blessing to me.  Everyone has reached out to me with open arms.  Each of them have been a support in one way or another.  Each of them have given me strength and they have all shown me love.  I know that love the most powerful tool because it will prevail.  How grateful I am for the love that has been shown to me.

The message I want to get across to anyone willing to listen is that there is hope and healing.  Recovery is possible.  There is a greater plan and it is available to all who are willing to listen and open their hearts.  I know that as I continue to work the steps and do the will of my Father in Heaven I will continue to be blessed with sobriety.

I know that Satan is real and that he is relentless.  He is willing to do whatever it takes to win a soul.  He knows no boundaries.  Nothing is off limits for him.  He will do anything to get people to follow him.  I know that he is knocking at everybody's door.  I know he can be defeated.  I know I can continue to defeat him.  It feels so great to kick him in the teeth.

I will continue to fight for my sobriety, for the love that I feel from others around me, for my wife and for her safety, and I will continue to fight so that I can return to a loving Heavenly Father.

Brandon

GRATITUDE

   

     First off I want to thank all of those who attended our Marriage Seminar whether in person or via web.  I was so grateful to see the room as full as it was.  I knew I was in a room filled with fellow fighters.  Brandon and I really appreciate all the support and love that we feel from you. So again a million thanks to you all.    
      
     Yesterday, our lesson in Young Women's was on gratitude, and I knew that I needed to write on that topic.  I'm sure its more for myself than for anything else.  The title of the lesson was "Why is it important to be grateful?"  I have on numerous occasions throughout the last ten months looked for reasons to be grateful in the circumstances that I am facing.  And although some days it is really hard to find them, they are there. President Monson says "When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."       
      
     It is very easy to look for reason to be grateful when things are going right for us in our lives, but what about the times when things are going terribly wrong?  I think that President Uchtdorf explained it well in his article Grateful in Any Circumstances where he says "Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.  As I have said before, the circumstances we are in now, mold us into the person that we are supposed to be. I believe that there is beauty even in the ugliest of circumstances.  We just need to look for it.          
      
     Last night I was in one of those undesirable moments where it was just me and my thoughts.  Of course in those moments my mind takes me back to that dreadful email and the content it contained. As often as I try to push the images, and details that I received out, sometimes my mind freezes and I can't do much but sit there staring into oblivion sifting through those thoughts.  I was caught up in the  details of the things that went on with Brandon and my so called "friends".  The longer I was lingering on those particular thoughts the more hurt and sorrow I was drawing to myself.  I was trying to understand why he chose my "friends", and why my "friends" would do what they did to me?  During those moments I had the thought to look for the gratitude in that particular scenario.  Ha! Is there really anything to be grateful for there? I kept looking, and searching but found nothing......Until I sat down and started typing this post.  What I found was in the The Divine Gift of Gratitude talk by President Thomas S.Monson.  He said "This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways." Reading that testified to me that despite the fact that I haven't had great friends in the past, I certainly do now.  They have been by my side through the thick and thin of this all.  There was something to be grateful for.  And in that same paragraph it said "there are marriages that make it" two beautiful things to be grateful for in one paragraph! I felt like I hit the jack pot with that paragraph alone.           
      
     I know that when I look for things to be grateful for it stops me from focusing on all of the negative that surrounds me.   There can be so much to feel gloom and doom over.  I know that I can't allow myself to sink into that gloom and doom.  It will over take me, and I will be no good as a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, or a daughter.  "We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude". Thomas S. Monson         
      
     Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see but which are true.  By being grateful, we follow the example of our beloved Savior, who said, “Not my will, but thine, be done.  True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will. President Uchtdorf 
         
     I have so many things to be grateful for, and in my dark moments the ones that I reflect on the most are my 4 beautiful healthy children, and the life I have been given.  I know that when we "set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."President Uchtdorf 
     
     If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. President Thomas S Monson

I fight everyday to maintain an Attitude of Gratitude

Lots of love,
Cherae

GROUP THERAPY

First I want to thank all those who came to see our seminar with Maurice.  It was so great to see friends and family there to support us.  Thank you all.  I hope that you were able to take something away from the evening.

As I have been pondering some of the most important aspects of recovery for me it always comes back to group therapy.  There are many different groups to attend.  There are so many resources out there that are in a group setting that will be beneficial to anyone who is trying to get some sobriety.

The addiction forces isolation.  The isolation is one of the major forces of the addiction.  It is interesting to think of the isolation and how the adversary wants everyone to isolate because as one isolates they will draw away from God.  Once the isolation from God has begun then the individual will only continue to withdraw from everyone, coworkers, spouses, family and so on.  This was very true in my case.  If I was in a group setting it might have been fun but the pain of my actions would often want me to withdrawal and be alone.

As humans we want to be attached and have connections.  The adversary knows this and works very hard at getting anyone to create habits and fall into addictions so the isolation will begin.  God wants us to connect.  There will be connections in life that we come across that are meant to be.  We need to cherish those connections and draw nearer to the connections that we have already.

The greatest connection that we can have is the connection with our Heavenly Father.  As this connection secures more and more then everything else falls into place.  This connection in my opinion is the most important part of recovery.  I don't believe that one will fully recover without this connection.  Knowing that a loving Father in Heaven is there with open arms and is willing to help can get anyone out of the rut they may be in.  This connection is important for anyone even for anyone who is not suffering from an addiction.

The first time I want to an LDS Addiction Recovery Meeting I was shocked at how many others were there.  This was very eye opening to me to see actual people in a meeting that were talking openly about their addictions and how similar their struggles were to mine.  Sitting in this group meeting gave me a great sense of peace and comfort knowing that I am not alone.  The connections in these meetings is incredible.  Sitting in one meeting brought me to feel as though I was amongst brothers.  Today I know that I in any meeting I go to I am with brothers.  These connections are so awesome.
My first meeting at LifeStar was very powerful.  There were people there that I still talk to and feel very connected to.  

Sitting in a group and knowing that the others are faced with the same addictions creates a bond that cannot be created anywhere else.  Our Father in Heaven knows this.  Hence why we have quorums, wards, and so on.  We need to be together.  We need each other, we need the connections.

Recently I have been going to Men of Moroni (a group program put on by Life Changing Services).  I feel a strength and a bond with these men.  I want to be there every Sunday but family oftens takes priority at this point in my recovery.  This group of brothers is fighting for many things but mostly to be free from the addiction of pornography.  The spirit and power that is felt in these meetings is so powerful.  This group focuses on what the antidote is for the addiction, it is called warrior chemistry.  By learning how to defeat the adversary with warrior chemistry is powerful and it really works.  The principles are simple and gospel oriented.  I would encourage anyone who is looking for tools to overcome the adversary to get in this group.

I know that group therapy works.  I know that by getting into a group will only help the precession of recovery.  I know that the connections created in group will help the individual also connect with a loving Heavenly Father.  I know that the connection with Heavenly Father is necessary for complete recovery.

I continue to fight for my connection to Heavenly Father, I continue to fight to feel his love.  I fight for the love of my family and fight for better connections with them.  I fight for my brothers who are in recovery.

Brandon

NO PORN CLUB POD CAST

   

      Hey all,  just wanted to give a quick shout out.  Brandon and I will be doing a 30 min pod cast tonight with Jennifer who is one of the founders of No Porn Club, at 6:30 p.m. MST. We'd love to have you all tune in!  To listen to the podcast go to blogtalkradio.com/nopornclub.  And while your at it please check out the No Porn Club at nopornclub.org or follow them on Facebook and twitter.  They are amazing people doing amazing things!  Also don't forget about our Life Changing Marriage Seminar with the ever fabulous Marice Harker on October 24, 2104 @ 7:00 p.m. It is approaching quickly so please call Carol 801-558-5952 to make your reservations.  Brandon and I are very excited for this opportunity to publicly speak about our journey.  We'd love to see you all there.  One last thing, we are now on twitter (@andsoifight) so please come follow us!  We love you all and appreciate all the support we are receiving from you.

Please keep fighting,

Lots of love,
Cherae

FEELINGS REVEALED

This post may be really lame to the average Joe because it is all about my feelings.  I have been so out of touch with my feelings for so long now due to the addiction that each day I feel the smoke clear just a little bit more.  The numbing that the addiction has done to my feelings is incredible (and not in a good way).  My recovery has caused me to look back, and realize that I really had so much less compassion than I thought I had, so much less love than I thought I had, and the list goes on and on.  Through the reading and learning that I have done over the past 10 months has shown me that my brain was literally rerouting and looked like a piece of swiss cheese.  I continue to feel the healing because I now have more feelings and am more sensitive to those feelings.  I am not out there each day looking to see if I have these feelings but they are just showing up out of nowhere.  It is remarkable.  

I feel that I need to explain something here regarding my feelings towards my wife.  This is going to sound so hypocritical of me and it is true.  However, I really felt like even through my addiction I loved my wife.  I feel like that was masked a lot but there was love for her.  I just did not know how to express it or actually show her what love was.  I never intended on hurting her even though my actions were contrary to my feelings towards her.  Addiction will do that to anyone.  The addict never has the intentions of hurting their loved ones.  We just can't control our lives to show our true intentions.  I understand that to the loved one of the addict it just sounds like a lame excuse.  Well, over time the actions will speak louder than words.  I am not trying to stick up for the addict here but I know that there will be a huge difference in the addict who is in true recovery and the addict who is for their spouse and not for their own personal safety and progress.  

I remember being in traffic jambs before thinking that all these idiots need to get going because I have places to be and things to get done.  Not once did I ever consider that a family may have just been turned upside down due to the actions of others and they could all be in a lot of pain and suffering.  Well, that is where my thoughts turn these days.  Getting on the freeway the other day I was in tears on the phone with my wife because I was hoping and saying a prayer in my heart that nobody was seriously injured or killed. in an accident that I had passed on the road.  That may sound a little ridiculous but it is true.  The compassion that I have on others is real now.  This is even more evident with the feelings that I have for my family and specifically my wife.  In Maurice Harker's book "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay, and That's Okay" it states "First. These men are patient with how long it takes for their women to recover from the pain that has been caused. The male brain is designed to "move on" and forget the past much better than a woman's mind. Many men think that women WANT to hold on to the past. The men who handle this correctly stop thinking they comprehend the mind of their women. They learn to be patient and have trust that the woman will heal and leave behind the past as fast as she can. Please note that there is no joy for her to remember painful events in the past. In fact, it hurts her more than it hurts you. Compassion is a much more useful response than frustration. It is selfish to make it all about YOUR pain when the past is discussed, when it is time for HER pain to be discussed and resolved."  Some of the attributes that have come to me are patience and compassion.  I have not been out there reading books on how to get these but rather just following the will of my Savior.  I know that as I continue to do this and follow his example that these attributes will follow.  This has been very evident to me as I have changed without trying to change.  

Becoming aware of my feelings has been very insightful.  The deep love I have for my family (wife, kids, parents, in laws, siblings, and so on) is so intense.  I will do anything to protect them.  I love them on a much deeper level.  In the "Proclamation to the World" which Maurice also refers to, it talks about the three items the man of the household should be doing; preside, provide and protect.  All of these are very hard to do when there are no feelings.  I know now that with the feelings I have I want to do nothing more in life than preside, provide and protect my family.  I want to do these over anything else because I know that my Father in Heaven wants me to.  Not only do I want to do these because my Father in Heaven wants me to but it is now this burning desire inside me to make sure that my family is being taken care of.  The deep feeling of compassion for my family is more intense than ever.

I will continue to fight for my family.  I will fight for their needs.  I will fight to protect them.  I will fight for their freedom.  I will fight to show them the way to the Savior.

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Cherae and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Brandon

THE CHANGE

   

      In 10 days it will be the 10 month mark for when mine and Brandon's new life began.  10 months ago I would never have guessed I would be where I am today, let alone be where I am and still married to Brandon. Would I do it all differently if I had to do it over? No. If I had the opportunity to chose a different path for my life, would I? No (as tempting as it is). I am who I am today because of the events that have transpired in my life. I am a different person than I was 10 months ago.   I am stronger- I have proven to myself that I can do hard things. I hope to never have to endure something as painful as the last 10 months again, but I know if I'm faced with the challenge I can do it. I can do hard things. I am courageous. There are so many things to fear in this trial. I know fear comes from the adversary and although I do feel fearful sometimes, I have to remind myself of the courage it has taken to pick myself up, brush myself off, put one foot in front of the other, and hold my head high. I have found compassion where I never thought I could. Instead of hate and anger that I could so easily feel for addicts I feel sympathy, sorrow, and love. Although they are hurting their loved ones deeply, they are also hurting themselves with the help of Satan and they aren't in a place where they can even recognize that.  I have always had a really hard time taking ownership of my participation in arguments, especially when it comes to an apology.  Brandon would always be the one to apologize, just to get the argument over.  I now realize my part in a disagreement, or when I may do or say something out of line.  I have no problems saying I'm sorry now.  It used to make me feel weak and vulnerable to apologize.  I know now that an apology is not a sign of weakness but of strength.  I feel empowerment. I have realized that I don't need others to create my happiness for me. I also don't have to put up with any treatment from others that I'm not comfortable with.  I understand love in a deeper fashion.  Don't get me wrong I have always loved my husband but I can look back and see that the love I had for him had restrictions on it to protect myself from unwanted pain.  The change that Brandon has made in himself has helped to lift those restrictions so I can love him unconditionally.  I now have a desire to let my love for him grow.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ is stronger and more solid than it ever has been.  I have had to totally trust and rely on my Heavenly Father to get me though these trials, to bless me with the strength, courage, compassion, and love that I so desperately needed to become the person I am.  I have had to rely on the Atonement of my Savior to help me forgive others for the wrongs that have been committed against me, and to be forgiven of the wrongs I myself have committed towards others.  Today, 10 months later, I am a better person than I was yesterday, the day before that, and 10 months before that. I will be a better person tomorrow because I will have one more day of this fight underneath me, and one more day of growth behind me.
        Now I need to give credit where credit is deserved.  That credit needs to be given to Brandon.  None of these changes would have been made had it not been for Brandon and his life choices.  I'm not using sarcasm here.  Like I have said before I believe that the things that happen to us are not mistakes.  They may be unfortunate circumstances, but there is a rhyme to every reason and sometimes things that may look unfortunate to us end up being worth all the fortune in the world.  Fortunately Brandon's life choices have made him who he is today as well.  The "new" Brandon, as we call him, is now the husband I have always desired and the person he has always deserved to be.  He has changed in so many ways for the better.  I am hoping I can describe the changes in the way they deserved to be credited.  These are MY observations of him.  Brandon is real now.  He is not putting on an act, He is not pretending to be someone or something he is not.  Since he has been in recovery he told me that when he was in his addiction he wanted others to think highly of him.  He wanted to drive a nice car, wear nice clothes, appear as though he had endless amounts of money.  It was all about appearances for him.  He now cares more about what God thinks of him than what others do.  He drives a well used 2002 Honda civic, he still dresses nicely (because I buy his clothes for him) but would wear rags if he had to, and he is humble about his finances.  His reasoning for all of this, is because none of it matters.  And he is correct.  What matters to him now is his relationship with his Heavenly Father, and his family.  Many times Brandon's had an air of arrogance about him that was very hard for me endure when I would try to express my feelings of hurt, or anger, or lack of trust I had in him.  He has since humbled himself and has swallowed his pride.  He does acts that are of the Lords will and not his own.  Brandon shows endless amounts of compassion now.  He is now the one who has to bring to light that, I don't know what others are going through, when I may have moments of frustrations with them.  He is a "give them the benefit of the doubt"  kind of person now.  Brandon's temperament is completely opposite of what it use to be.  Brandon had no reservations about yelling at our children.  To the point of embarrassment for me.  I cringed when he would yell.  It was never violent or abusive, just very unbecoming of him.  He no longer yells, let alone raises his voice.  He is calm and collective in parental situations that would have caused him great anger in the past.  Brandon use to be selfish in only ways that I was able to see.  I was quite often disappointed in his lack of concern or care for me.  He now looks for and executes any way to serve me or our kids.  Whether it be doing the dishes for me, giving me a back rub because he knows how much I love them, looking for a special treat to buy the kids when at the store, or making the decision to write me an email exposing who he is and what he's done.  The later was his first selfless act in starting his new life. Brandon faithfully serves his Father in Heaven.  He strives each day to live his life that would be pleasing unto his Heavenly Father, always trying to do good, be positive, and serve others.  Brandon has, through his daily actions, emotions, and tender physical touches, shown love to me that I've never felt before from him.  I've always questioned whether his love for me has been genuine or not.  I now have no doubts about how much he loves me, due to his actions alone.
      I want to make it clear that  Brandon was never a horrible person, he has always been a good person, with a desire to do whats right.  He has ALWAYS been respectful (with the exception of what the addiction drove him to do) of me and my kids, and has always been kind to me.  I know all of the above negative character traits came from the addiction.  I now know that was never who he really was.  Addiction masks so much of a person, and robs them of who they truly were meant to be.  I am so grateful Brandon has been able to not only surface from this addiction but to rise above it and fight it.  I love my husband,  I will always love him.  I respect him, something I have never done before.  I am so grateful for his desire to do whats right, bettering himself, and therefore being able protect and abide over our family.  I am grateful for the spirit that is able to abide in our home now.
      Together, with the changes that we have both made I would dare say this is a recipe for an almost perfect marriage.  With Brandon by my side, I hope to change the world one person at a time.  Starting with ourselves.

I fight for the change in people to become who they are meant to be!

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Brandon and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Lots of Love,
Cherae

WARRIOR WOMAN

     The other night I was trying to get Brandon to understand what this fight has been like for me.   I really wanted him to get a good feeling for how I feel during this time, and for the things I'm trying to work through and how I'm trying to do it.  So I told him a story.  For me, analogies are a much easier way for me to really understand things.  So that being said I'd like to tell you the same story.  I hope I can retell it well enough for you to FEEL what its like for me and many other women in the battle stages of fighting for our family.

     There is a war going on right now.  It happens to be one of the biggest wars ever.  The enemy (satan) has over 7,000 years of war experience under his belt.  He is good.  In fact he is better than good, he is the master of war and destruction.  He has millions of soldiers on his side, they are all just as cunning and deceitful as he is and they have almost as much experience as he does.  A lot of the battles he goes into are over within seconds, him being the victor.  This enemy is someone to be very concerned about.  

     There is a woman (myself) who has been living a life that for the most part she has been pleased with.  She's happy with where she lives and has felt safety all around her.   She has a constant companion in her life (husband) who she has always felt would protect her if anything out of the ordinary ever crept into her life.  This woman had a radio (God) that she would listen to sometimes more often than others, and sometimes she would turn the radio down when she wasn't feeling up to listening.  She knew that if she lived her life right she would receive instruction through

this radio on how to keep herself safe from all harm.   She was aware that there was a waging war out there, but never for one moment thought that, the war would find her.  But it did.  And she was terrified.  

     She saw the enemy from afar, and wondered how she was ever going to fight this war alone.  She then remembered that she had a trusted companion by her side that would do all he could to keep her safe and help her fight the enemy.  She turned to her companion so they could put a game plan together but he wasn't there.  Before she could turn to look for him she felt the most excruciating  pain between her shoulder blades.   A knife having stabbed her in the back, she fell to the ground and started to fade, but not before she was able to see her companion standing there holding a knife in his hands dripping with blood.  As she awoke she saw the army on the horizon and despite the pain she was in she slowly, painfully stood up and did the best she could to brush herself off.  Her companion still standing there trough tear stained eyes, holding the knife, was apologizing profusely as to what he had just done and frantically asking her what he could do to help. Telling her he didn't mean to hurt her, it wasn't him, he didn't know why he was holding a knife.   This women now knew that she was now facing this army alone.  She couldn't trust this fellow soldier.   To her she was not only up against this giant army alone, but standing in front of her was what she now thought to be a trader.  She was alone. ALL ALONE.  No one to help her, to battle with her, or to save her.  She was injured, she needed help and she wasn't going to get the help that she needed where she was.  She had to use her radio and called for help.  

     Help came, but not in the form she expected.  She had indeed tuned into her radio, and the voice on the other end of the radio had told her to give her fellow soldier another chance.  She couldn't believe what she was hearing! She challenged him "but Commander, he used his knife to stab me in the back.  How can I trust this soldier to aid me when he tried to kill me?"  The Commander in his calm voice told her again to give this soldier another chance.   With the radio in one hand, and a look of sheer shock on her face she looks at her fellow soldier still holding that knife in his hands and questions him on what he plans on doing with that knife.  His response was something she never expected to hear.  He told her that his intention with that knife was never to hurt her.  His intentions were to stand by her side throughout the entire war, to protect her and to make sure she made it through unscathed.  But just as he was about to take her side his commander came through on his radio giving him orders to "take the woman out".  He was horrified! Debating on whether or not to argue with a commanding officer he politely responded with a "I'm sorry sir, but I will not do that".  His commander then started to fill his mind with lies about this woman.  To the point where the soldier was finally convinced that "taking the woman out" would be the best thing to do.  And so went the attempt on her life.  The woman was confused at this story and asked to look at his radio.  She noticed that it had been tampered with, and knew that what this fellow soldier thought he was hearing as his commander was truly the enemy in disguise.  She pointed this out to the soldier and he was immediately aware of the trap he had fallen into.  Sorrow filled his heart.  And she then knew that this soldier had been deceived by the enemy, just like so many others.  She made it her mission to give it her all and fight against the injustice this enemy placed upon so many of her fellow beings especially the one one she cherished the most.

     This woman came to realize she has a weapon of her own (the spirit).  She's had it all along and it has helped her throughout her life.  It is so small that she had forgotten about it at times, but it is a very potent weapon .  She can now use this weapon to help her in the war that she is facing.  It is something that she has to fine tune every day.  It is a weapon that if she handles with care it will get her far.  It comforts her to know that she can rely on this weapon when she has doubts about her fellow soldier and his intentions.  This weapon will help her to make the correct decisions in order to win this war.  This weapon is priceless.  Her commander gave it to her long ago as a gift, and knew that one day she would understand that this weapon would be crucial in the healing of her wounds, the trusting of others, and becoming a Warrior Women in a war that she WILL win.  

I fight for all my fellow Sisters, who's hearts have been broken, and I fight for my husband to be free from satans bondage.

We are teaming up with Maurice Harker http://www.lifechangingservices.org/clinicians/ on October 24th, for a Life Changing Seminar.  Maurice will be teaching principles from his book "I'm not ok, your not ok, and thats ok", and Brandon and I will be sharing our story and things that have helped us in this fight.  We hope to see you all there.  For more information or if interested attending please contact Carol at  801-558-5952

Lots of Love,

Cherae

     

     

     

MY RECOVERY

For this post I want to share EVERYTHING that works for ME.  The important thing to realize is that these are personal and that everyone has a different path of recovery.  Through this path that I have been on I have realized that everything I do on a day to day basis is what keeps me sustained in sobriety and the sobriety helps me be a better person.  I know that my routines and attitude will keep me on this path for the rest of my life but I also know that I have to do this for the rest of my life.  I am happy to do whatever it takes so that I can feel the love my Father in Heaven has for me and keep my family together.

My Daily Routines:

• Prayer - I pray at least twice a day on my knees.  I think that prayer is one of the most important things for me.  It connects me to the one who has helped me most in my recovery.  When I pray I focus on the things I am grateful for.  Praying allows me to receive the promptings of the spirit.  It helps me focus on what I am doing here on earth and allows me to realize that I am just here to pass the test.  Most importantly it allows me to turn my will over to Heavenly Father.  Turning my will over each morning changes me each day.  At night I check in with Him.  I tell him about the day and I am accountable each day to Him.  He is the best accountability partner.  He knows my heart, He knows my thoughts, He knows my desires.  I am so grateful for prayer.  I find myself at work praying all the time and even when in traffic.  I will say that with faith I have had all my prayers answered.  I know my Heavenly Father is there for me.
• Journal - I never thought a journal would be so beneficial but it is.  I took the advice from a good friend who made the suggestion of doing a gratitude journal.  By writing the things that I am grateful for it changes me.  It helps me focus on a different outlook in life.  There are times when I write how the day was or special experiences that I had but I still write about the things I am grateful for that day.  Writing is a great avenue to express emotions.  Each day when I write I also note how many days of sobriety that I have.  I typically write the day after so that I make sure my days of sobriety are accurate.  My journal has become something that I look forward to and I feel my attitude change each day when I write.  
• Scriptures - My commute to work is about 40 min in the morning and can be up to an hour coming home.  I have been using this time to listen to the scriptures.  I love being able to put it on shuffle and listening to the different versus and chapters that bring me closer to my Savior.  This has become so important to me that I do this each day.  Even if it ends up being for 5 minutes I still need it.  The scriptures are part of putting on my armor.  I have a love for the scriptures that I have never had before.  I have become closer to my Father in Heaven by doing this each day and trying to understand the message.  I listen to the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants.  I enjoy listening to the war chapters and about the trials the saints faced.  It helps me realize that we have our own challenges at this time.  We are in a war and yes, we're being persecuted.  There is so much peace in reading the scriptures.  I love feeling the peace.
• Books - I love reading now.  I love learning and growing when reading about anything that helps me grow either spiritually or intellectually.  I was never much of a reader but find it very important for me to stay focused on my growth as an individual.  I also find it very peaceful when I am reading.  It is an opportunity for me to fill my mind with positive thoughts and then create positive actions.  The reading is essential.  When I am reading I can understand more about the tools that help me in recovery, learn about gospel principles and I can feel the spirit.
• Email/Text - this was a regular for me when I first started into recovery.  I would send Cherae an email every night and let her know how my day was going.  I still check in with her each night.  Checking in is vital.  It allows me to show my emotion and let her know exactly where I am each day.  This helps her so she can see I am being transparent and it helps me knowing that each night I GET to check in with my wife.  I do not want to disappoint her.  I also don't want to disappoint my Father in Heaven.  I have started this routine again so that she knows exactly where I am at since she does not read my journal and see how many days of sobriety that I have.  So, it is either a text or an email and I also let her know how important she is in my life and how much I love her.  It is hard for her to understand that I have always loved her.  Yes my feelings were masked but I have always loved her.  It makes me feel good knowing that I can now say without any feelings being masked that I love her so much and that she is so special to me.  She always has been and always will be.  Anyway, a text or email each day helps me focus on her.  She is part of my recovery.
• Find ways to create safety for my wife each day.  This is new for me.  I have just changed up my dailies this week and I want to do this each day.  Ask myself "how can I battle to create safety for my wife today".  Yes, it is a battle and I realize that I have many battles ahead of me. I think that everyone does in life but it is important for me to work my backside off so that she feels safe around me.  There are many times when she does not feel that so I am going to look at the train wreck I have created and fix it one piece at a time.  Creating safety for my wife is important for me and for her.  I know that as I continue to do this it will help our relationship.  

The dailies keep me in check a lot.  I also want to share what my check ins are with my wife each day so hopefully it will help others.  This is not rocket science, it is just being open.  Again, this works for me and if you end up putting a twist on it that is great if it works for you.  I check in with 5 categories; Physically - I state how I am feeling physically.  I could be tired or hungry or I could be sore from falling in a man hole (that really did happen), Emotionally - this one is important because it is when I realize that my emotions are off that is when I am being attacked.  Understanding this helps me recognize when my wife or kids are under attack as well.  Emotions are huge.  It is so important to realize where I am at emotionally at every hour of every day.  This is how the Adversary gets his foot in the door.  Spiritually - looking for the spiritual effects of the day or revelation or just an experience is important for me because it means that I am connected with God.  This is so important for me to know where I stand with Him and for me to realize that it is a gift for me to be here on this earth.  I feel the spirit when I am close to it so I look for it at all times during the day.  Yes, even at work, on the commute and all other times.  Sexually - this is where I tell my wife if I have had any slips, thoughts or temptations for the day.  I also let her know in this category if I have done anything that my Father in heaven would be disappointed about.  It helps me knowing that I have to report to my wife and if I have had a slip, she will know before I tell her.  I believe that women are naturally connected with God and with the spirit much more than men.  They know when something is off and can tell us before we even act out.  Sorry guys, that is just a fact.  Self Care - this is important because it means that I am taking time for myself.  It means that I care enough about me that I am going to do something that is important for me each day.  Some days are going for a bike ride with a friend and other days are reading a book or going on a date with my wife.  It does not need to be something that I do alone.  It is just important that I recognize that I am doing something that will benefit me for the day.  

Daily routines and check ins are something that were taught to me by a good friend who helped me get on the path of recovery before I even started going to any classes.  I am so thankful to him for getting me off on the right foot.  However, it takes one to really let go and let God for recovery to happen.  J and I were talking about this the other day.  One can go to class to show their spouse they are interested in getting help.  But 3/4 of the equation is really turning your life over to God.  It is my humble opinion that one will not get any recovery without the spiritual help.  

I fight for my wife's safety, I fight for her love.  I fight for the love of my Father in Heaven and I fight to feel the spirit each day.  I fight to help others along the way.  I fight because I want my brother who just passed away to know I am finally on the right path I want him to know I love him and will work hard the rest of my life so that I can one day be with him.

Brandon

QUESTIONS

Will all who are interested in the seminar on the 24th of October please take a few minutes and post or email us the questions that you may have or want to discuss that evening.  You may also text questions to “4BandC” to 91011.  We will solidify the location once we get a good idea of how many will be attending We would like this to be an open forum so that everyone gets as much out of it as possible.

If you are wanting to attend please contact Carol at 801-558-5952.

Thank you for your interest thus far.  We look forward to the event as much as you do!

Brandon & Cherae 

MY WILL

When I was a kid I remember watching a movie with some of my friends about a mine collapsing and the kids were running to go save their dads that were in the mine.  My friend asked me if I would run in.  I told him no that the mine would also kill me.  He told me that was selfish.  He was right.  I am selfish and have been selfish for years.  I have recently learned how selfish I have been.  Doing anything for anyone else has always been a struggle.  Being selfish is not something that I desire but think that to some degree being selfish is something that comes naturally to all.  My will is something that not only hurts me but it is painful looking back at how selfish I have been.  I never had concern for anyone or anything while in my addiction.  Yes, the addiction really helps one become selfish.  The adversary does a great job at isolating and creating a selfish individual.

Step 3 in ARP is "Trust in God" and it is all about turning ones life and will over to Heavenly Father.  Neal A. Maxwell states; "The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar...but when we begin to submit ourselves by letting  our wills be swallowed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him".  I have found this to be true.  Each day when I pray in the morning I turn my life and will over to God.  I ask him to take my heart.  I tell him that I will do ANYTHING he ask of me and promise to do His will.  This has been a big change for me.  Not only do I feel I have so much more peace in my life but I feel as I continue to tun my life and will over to God I have so much more freedom.  I am free from addiction, I am free from worrying about any lies, I am free from fear and I love the feeling I have knowing that I am doing everything my Father in heaven wants me to do.

I feel that I had a little different experience in my recover regarding turning my life and will over to God.  I got to the point where I was done.  I hit my rock bottom and knew I was done but needed help.  I feel like King Lamoni's father "I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy."  He was willing to do anything to feel the love of God.  I too am now willing to do anything to feel the love that my Father in heaven has in store for me.

As I continue to turn my life and will over to God I feel so close to him.  I can now say that I am working on being selfless and I am working on doing my Father's will.

Just a few quick examples of turning my will over: I am not bringing these up because I feel I am better than anyone.  I just bring these up because these were sacrifices for me but have brought me closer to God.  Music - I use to listen to so many different varieties of music.  I have a lot of music stored and was always looking forward to the new album.  Well, I have given it all up.  I listen to Mormon channel, my Pandora channel has one station now and it is Mo. Tab. and I also listen to a Christian radio station that has some great songs that bring in the spirit.  Time - I sacrifice time for my kids now when I didn't before.  I love the time I spend with them now.  I used to be so caught up in everything else that I never made time or gave them time.  I think as children that is all they want is time.  Not a perfect parent but time with the parents they have.  TV/Media - I only get my news from KSL or Deseret News.  I don't go to Fox or other media sources due to adds that are not appropriate for me.  I only watch selected shows with my wife.  I have to be very careful what I watch but am happy to give up the terrible TV shows that are on.  Language - this was not much of a sacrifice to me but I feel that when I give my will up I only use appropriate language and always talk respectfully to my wife and children.  My wife - I look for ways to serve my wife and kids.  Something so small like buying a blizzard or a box of Dilly Bars from DQ for the family makes me feel happy.  I look for ways to help at home now, kitchen, laundry and cooking with my wife.  I love being able to serve with an attitude of gratitude.

I love being able to turn my life over to the care of God.  I know as I do this my future is secure. "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all knowing God".

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him FOREVER in the next.  Amen"  -- Reinhold Niebuhr

I will continue to do His will.  I fight for his love.  I fight for my freedom from the adversary.  I fight for my family.

Brandon

THE UGLY TRUTH

 

          I would like to address this post to those who have a sexual addiction.  For those of you who are addicts I would like to give you a perspective on what its like to be the wife of an addict.  I know your wife can explain this until she's blue in the face, but I hope to give you a different perspective.  I can dare say that nothing I tell you won't be something you haven't already heard.  Hopefully hearing it from someone other than you wife will give you some new insight on this subject.  In one of my previous posts I mentioned  that I am going to be completely honest and real in this blog.  This post is going to be one of those honest and real posts.   Brandon is 279 days sober and for that I am SO forever grateful, but that also means I am 279 days struggling.  Yes I struggled before I knew the truth, but that was a different kind of struggle.  I know the truth now, and knowing ALL that I know brings on a whole new set of struggles.  I struggle with the fact that this is now my life.  I am the wife of an addict.  That will never change.  Oh how I wish it could, but it won't.  That being said, I am relieved to KNOW that I am a wife of an addict instead of being in the dark about it.   Being the wife of an addict brings on many issues.   I have been struggling with trust, trauma, betrayal, anger, sadness/depression, and sometimes just not caring.  The wife of any addict will tell you that their live is one big roller coaster.  One that I'm hoping that with time for me, will start to smooth out quite a bit instead of these steep hills I keep plummeting down.
     
         Trust doesn't exist.  At least for now.   I have been lied to ever since I have met Brandon, which was way back in 1993.  The difficulty with this is yes, he has been honest for the past 9 months, but he has lied to me for the 20 years previous to that.  Im hoping in time that trust will return.  Trust is something that is earned, and that is a hard enough feat in and of itself.  So when you destroy it, its that much harder to earn it back.  When I go to my recovery meetings one thing I hear a lot of women say, and I have to agree is that the lying is what is hard to get over.  Of course the sexual addiction, and addiction pornography is devastating,  but the lying is so hard to recover from.  There are some days or even weeks that are hard.  There have been a few situations that have made Brandon look like he is lying, and have looked really bad for him.  As hard as he tries to explain the truth to me, I can't allow myself to believe him.  In my mind I tell myself I won't fall for those excuses ever again.  Which then leads me into the feelings of betrayal I have.  I feel as though I didn't have all of the information available to me when I said "yes" to his marriage proposal.  In my mind I look at that and can't help but feel that all this betrayal could have been avoided had I been given all of the info up front and made a more clear decision at that point of proposal.  I feel the betrayal of him choosing other women when at one point he chose ME.  Why choose anyone, when you seem to want everyone? Why would he betray his wife?  HE chose ME, HE asked ME to marry him,  I didn't.  And so then starts my cycle of doubt-  Am I doing the right thing by staying married? Why am I allowing myself to suffer this way when I can just end this relationship?  Why would he do this to me all over again?  If he truly loved me why would he do this?  Do I love him enough to stay?   I have to fight these questions and many others to long to list, anytime something suspicious comes up, which, being married to an addict happens almost on a daily basis.  I can get into some really dark places when these questions start taking over.  They can consume ones mind if allowed.  When this happens I envision myself walking along the rail of a fence.  Focusing ever so intently on walking that straight line (the straight line being sanity) all the while trying to thwart those questions and thoughts that are attacking me from both sides of the fence.  If I can get through the day having balanced myself on the rail without having been pushed off one way or another then it was a successful day.  Somedays it takes all the effort I have to just to put one foot in front of the other on this rail.  And then to be attacked from both sides (thoughts, questions, fears) it can make for emotionally draining day.
     
        Through out this journey of mine I have felt as though I have lost my husband.  And for me, I did.  I lost the person I thought I married (turns out he never existed) so for me, and other women we go through some of the same grieving processes that those who really do lose a loved one go through. Anger is the second stage of the grieving process.  Thankfully it is fading for me, and I know thats because of the Atonement.  And lets be honest I don't want to live my life an angry person.  What good will that accomplish?  My life has been affected enough from this addiction.  I will not let it make me a bitter angry woman.  But to some, the anger and bitterness can last a very long time.  Satan LOVES anger.  He annihilates the man (women too, but I'm speaking with the point of view who's husband is an addict) with this addiction, and most never see it coming and some don't even recognize when it is upon them.  Some however, do recognize it, be it sooner or later and they do everything they can to fight against it, doing everything they need to, to not let satan take one more moment of their life.  Satan knows he doesn't have that man in his grasp anymore and thats when he turns to the wife and tries to destroy her and her family.  I will hand it to him he's got himself some good tools to work with at this point.  Anger being a huge one.  What woman wouldn't be angry at the misbehaviors, and betrayal of her husband?  There is no set time limit of how long she will be angry, but I hope for her sake and her families sake she will not let it consume her.
   
         Like I mentioned, the grieving process we go through has stages.  One of which is depression (and I add sadness).  We are sad that the ONE person who is supposed to be there for us, comfort us, and protect us, turns out to be the ONE person who destroys us (with the help of satan of course).  This roller coaster I spoke of earlier has a few different destinations, one of which is depression.  There have been so many times though out the last 9 months where I feel numb, I don't care anymore what happens, I want to be alone, I want to run away and hide, never to surface again, and I certainly don't want to stay married to this man.  After a month or so in the beginning of trying to deal with this sadness/depression on my own, I realized I wasn't cutting it myself, and got on an antidepressant.  I wasn't strong enough mentally to deal with it despite my efforts.  There were times that I kept trying to get off of the medication because I didn't want to have to take something to help me be mentally sane due to the effect that someone else's actions had upon me.  I tried multiple times to quit taking it but I would end up feeling "crazy" in my mind.  So I returned to taking the medication.  I eventually got off of it, and for me that has worked.  For a lot of women it is something that they might have to be on for the rest of their life.  And that is ok.

        Husbands, I will do the begging and pleading that I know your wives so desperately do them selves.  PLEASE come clean.  PLEASE don't WASTE one more day being a slave to your addiction.  PLEASE seek help.  PLEASE recognize your individual worth.  PLEASE humble yourselves before God, and turn you will over to Him.  PLEASE stop hurting your wife.  Here you may think that telling her will hurt her worse.  What you may not realize is that by doing the things you are doing you are creating an even deeper pain that will have longer lasting effects and be harder to overcome.  What you are not aware of are the effects that this addiction is having on you.  Ive seen it from both sides.  I lived unknowingly as a wife of an addict for 15 years, but I always knew.  I may not have know details, but I knew.  Now, KNOWING that I am the wife of an addict I can work on helping my marriage become better, supporting my husband, and strengthening myself and my family.  When Brandon came clean he not only relieved himself of all his secrecy, he freed me from the bondage I had been in of knowing "something wasn't right, but couldn't prove it".  Brandon coming clean was the most selfless thing I have seen that man do.  He made it so that we both could start to move forward and stop being in the stagnate state we had been in for 15 years.

          As I reread all that I have wrote above a part of me doesn't want to post this because of the "ugly" content it contains.  It makes life look bleak, difficult, and so undesirable.  But because of the "ugly" above, I am now free, and I am going to take that "ugly" and turn it into something BEAUTIFUL!  I want you all to know that I do not feel that "ugly" everyday.  In the beginning, yes I did.  Over time, and with the help of the Atonement I am able to have really good days in between, and those really good days happen more often than the bad days.  I know that it will only get better.  My roller coaster will eventually turn into a boring, flat, straight ride. And I'm ok with that.

        The Atonement is not only for overcoming death and sin, but it is also for healing our pain, our sorrow and every other affliction.  "Through His Atonement, He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions". -Elder C. Scott Grow


I fight to help free those who are ensnared in the trap of sexual addictions, and for their spouses who suffer from those addictions

Lots of love,
Cherae

LIFE CHANGING MARRIAGE SEMINAR

To all our new friends!

Cherae and I have been amazed at how many of you are reaching out to us!  If you cannot tell, we are desperate to give back to you and help you overcome your pain.  We recently met with Maurice Harker, our favorite marriage therapist, to discuss what we can do for those who have been through really tough times in their relationships.  We want to do more for you because we are finding we are unable to reply to all your emails and phone calls as fast as we want to.

We decided to put together an evening where we can share our story and what we have learned from it, but we also wanted you to have an exclusive educational experience with Maurice, whose teachings have made such a big difference in our lives.  Maurice has made available the evening of 24 October, 2014, a Friday night.  We are looking for a place in Davis County, Utah.  Don't worry, we have the technology to make it available on-line in webinar format for those who can’t make it in person.  

At this event, Cherae and I will share with you the best we can the things we have learned from our struggles, then we can have Maurice teach more principles from his significant experience and clinical skills.  If you have not met Maurice in his office, you are in store for an amazing education.  He has found a way to synergize Eternal Principles with cutting edge Psychological Concepts.  His teaching style is both entertaining and informative.  Each time you meet with him you will experience profound insight and development.  I am confident that you will be greatly served by the event.   It's not cheap to meet with him in his office, but he has agreed to be there for us for only $25/person or $35/couple.

If you have questions or you want to let us know you are coming, please text “4BandC” to 91011.  We will solidify the location once we get a good idea of how many will be attending, then we will let you know.  You can also contact Carol at 801-558-5952 to confirm your attendance.

I hope you are as excited about this event as I am.  Make sure you share this with your friends.  You never know who needs it.

Brandon

P.S.  If you want to get a head start reading what Maurice will be teaching, get his ebook, “I’m Not Okay, You’re Not Okay, and That’s Okay”.  It is a game changer.

GETTING INVOLVED

Several months ago some good friends of ours invited us to volunteer at the UCAP conference.  I was excited to just go and see what it was about.  I really had no idea what I was getting into other than I wanted to be there.  When we showed up we just helped escort and made sure the recordings were going ok as well as being able to attend some of the classes. (I will say quickly that Dr. Hilton was my favorite due to his knowledge about addiction and how the Atonement can help).  Seeing that everyone was there for the purpose of fighting against pornography was appealing.  I felt like I was doing something against the industry that had my soul for so many years.  After the conference I felt great knowing that I was not the only one in this fight AGAINST this plague.  Once I got over on this side of the fence I could see the small army forming to fight.

There are so many different avenues to go to in order to fight.  I am working on setting up the link in order for guys to go fight against the Carls Jr ads.  I was sorely disappointed that during Shark Week (a safe program for me to watch) there were a ton of ads for Carls Jr.  The pornographic hamburger commercials were enough for me to bail on watching the programs.  It was supposed to be a safe show that I could partake in and enjoy.  It was supposed to be a fun show that my family could enjoy.  My 14 year old boy and I spent more time looking away from the TV than we did seeing sharks fly out of the water.  My poor girls had to see women objectify themselves just to sell a hamburger at a crappy fast food restaurant.  What a shame that my family could not enjoy something that we have for years due to the obscene ads.  If you want to help out please go to the site: http://www.beautyredefined.net/cut-the-carls/  There are other website to also visit in order to fight against the pornography plague.  I would encourage all to go visit http://moralityinmedia.org to see what is new so you can get involved.  

I never really felt like the addiction was going to take me to a place where I wanted so badly to fight against this crap but it has and I am so grateful for Jake who has helped me out in getting involved against the industry.  For me getting involved against pornography has helped me stay out of it.  How can I fight against something that I indulge in?  I can't.  That is the point.  The more I fight against it the further the thoughts of going back to it are.  I love being on this side of the fence with the small army ready to attack.  I love being able to say that I am actively fighting against the monster that took so much from me.  I love being able to say that I am on the side that will ultimately win the fight.  I love being able to feel the power behind the movement to educate and thwart the evil that is entering homes on a daily basis.  

For those who are reading this and thinking to yourself that there is nothing you can do to fight against pornography well you are wrong.  There are meetings to attend, petitions to sign, shirts to buy to get off the shelves, people to educate and children to protect and adults to warn!  Please join me in my fight against the adversary.  Join Cherae in our fight against pornography.  Please join all of us who are in this for themselves or their loved ones or who just want to stand up for what is right.

I fight for my family.  I fight for the love of my Father in Heaven.  I fight so that someday when the pornography industry is in ashes I can say that I took the torch and lit the monster.

Brandon

TIME

     

        We all know the saying "Time heals all wounds", but have you ever really thought about that simple phrase.  I never have until recently.  In our society and in our ever present day and age we are a people of instant gratification.  We want everything NOW!  We have email because heaven only knows we can't wait for things to arrive in the mail.  Especially with jobs these days.  The postal service couldn't deliver mail fast enough for the things we need to do our jobs correctly.  There's "fast food" for the moments we don't want to, or don't have the time to cook.   And lets not look past electronics.  We have texting to immediately chat with someone because again, who wants to wait for the time it takes to correspond through the mail.  We use Google on a daily basis to find the answers to our questions while online, and if thats not enough we have Siri that we can ask and immediately get our answers.  All of these things are of great value to us.  I often wonder how we would possibly get through life without them, but the one thing that these instant resources don't teach us is patience.
       Through the first few days of Brandon's post disclosure oh how I wanted an instant fix.  Who wouldn't right?  The pain was almost to intolerable to bear, I needed it removed from me.  Not to mention how was I going to get through this unbearable trial?  TIME.  And unfortunately when you are put in situations such as mine, TIME also feels like your worst enemy.  During a session I had with Maurice (http://www.lifechangingservices.org) he told me about a specific culture who lived in the "now" due to how many natural disasters their country encounters each year.  They never know if there will be a tomorrow.  He told me of a form of meditation they use to live in the "now".  Find a moment and use all 5 of your senses.  Listen- to what is going on around you, even if you think your in a place where there is no sound if you listen you will find something.  Smell- your baby's blanket, a comforting scent, whatever is in the air.  See-your surroundings, a flower blossoming, the trees turning colors, a cloud covered sky, look around you.  Feel-touch something, or feel something touching you.  Taste- whether it be the gum you are chewing, or the lunch you may be eating, just really taste.   I recall a particular moment early on in my recovery that I was having a very hard time and I remembered this exercise Maurice had told me about.  I was in the shower sobbing, I sat on the floor of the shower and let the water fall on me and used all 5 of my senses.  I concentrated on nothing else but that moment and those senses, and while doing that I told myself over and over "right now in this moment you are safe".  Using that exercise got me through that moment that day.  I have used it many other times when feeling unsafe.
        Sometimes time seems to stand still.  Especially when every day is just like the one before.  I woke up every morning knowing that I was dealing with the effects of Brandons' actions, they were the same actions that effected me the day before, and the day before that.  Those actions were NEVER changing and NEVER going away, they were forever going to be a part of my life.  And so time stood still.  How do I fix the next day so his past actions would have a different effect?  (Now thats a loaded, million dollar question isn't it?) I prayed more, read scriptures more, pushed thoughts out of my head and replaced them with comforting ones,  and most of all I tried to change my outlook on the situation.  I started to look for the positives as to why this happened.  Changing my thoughts from "WHY ME", to "why NOT me"? And before long my days were not as still as they had been.  Time was moving again for me, and without realizing it that "time" was starting to heal me.  Now don't get me wrong here, there is ALOT more that we all need to heal than just "time".  But time is a big contributing factor into healing.
        Heavenly Father knows what our needs and wants are, and nine times out of ten we are not immediately granted those needs and wants.  They all take time, and during that time is when we grow in strength.  A Warrior never became a Warrior over night.  It takes time, and patience, and the proper training to become a Warrior.  We go through trials in our life to strengthen us, to teach us whatever it is we need to learn, and to prepare us for greater things to come.  A sweet lady told me recently of her deepest darkest moment in her life and in her depths of despair her brother told her that "what happened to her may have been a tragic accident, but it was no mistake".  Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes.  We are all going through the exact trials that we, ourselves need to be going through.  I encourage you to turn to your Heavenly Father during those trials, lean on him, know that he is there, and allow for "time" and the atonement to heal ALL your wounds.

Please take a moment to watch this short clip on The healing power of Jesus Christ
http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3736551143001


I fight for all of you who are struggling.  May peace be with you

Lots of love,
Cherae

LIFE LINES (PART 2)

This post really goes back to December for me.  It goes back to the day that I decided to come clean and face this monster that I could not shake.  All throughout the addiction I felt like there was no where to turn.  Nobody had been in my shoes before so how could anyone help.  I had done so much and had no idea where to turn but continued to figure I was just going to die in my addiction.

Before I told the entire story to Cherae we had invited some friends over to talk about the pornography situation with them.  My friend J had gone through his own addictions and was there for me to talk and listen and understand.  He may not realize it but he was very influential on me the night we met.  The most important thing he taught me was to tell the whole truth.  Get it all out.  I was not going to get better until I was honest with Cherae.  I think he could tell that there was more than needed to be told.  How grateful I am for him and congratulate him on his 4 years of sobriety.  He is one of my heroes.  He has been a great support and will always be a great friend.  As I told J that the Bishop wanted me to read a certain book, he just looked at me and told me to get as much out of it as I could.  I could tell that it had helped him.  I was trying to play it off but he was serious and I was impressed that I needed to buckle down and face this addiction and issues head on.

It was early in December when everything was ripped out of my hands and I had nothing to rely on and felt like there was nobody there for me.  I found myself at my parents home because where do you turn when you have nothing?  My first lifeline was my parents.  I knew how disappointed they were going to be.  It was so hard to face them and tell them the things that I had done.  I kept my head down and my hat over my eyes so they could not see my face as I was vomiting my story on them.  As I got done telling them everything and anticipated the lecture all I felt from them was sorrow and love.  I was shocked.  The more I look at the situation I feel that that is how my heavenly parents would react to a son who is trying to get back to a heavenly home.  My parents surrounded me with love.  They supported me so much to get into a recovery program and find the resources needed to overcome this addiction.  They have been true champions and such great examples to me.  Each day as I pray I thank my Father in heaven for my earthly parents.  Their love for me is real and I know that I was blessed to come to this earth and be in their care.  My parents will only understand the love that I have for them when we are on the other side together looking back on this life and then they will understand what they are to me.

As I was living at my parents and starting these different recovery programs I reached out to someone who would ultimately heal me.  I had prayed before and had always believed that Christ was there for me.  However, this situation was on a different level.  I needed Him.  I needed the love and the compassion that He had for me so that I could get better.  I know that He sends others on this earth to do His work.  I know that He loves me.  I have felt his love like never before.  I know that the pain and suffering that He has gone through has given Him the ability to understand what I have gone through.  It is my testimony that Christ loves each of us more than we will understand, more than a parent can love a child.  Christ's love is so perfect.  As I continue to reach out to him I find the answers that I need in my recovery.  I find the strength to get through each day.  I find the strength to overcome the temptations and trials that come my way.  I know that His grace is sufficient for me to overcome whatever I am faced with.  Christ will ALWAYS be the ultimate lifeline.  He will NEVER abandon anyone and I know that because he never abandoned me.  How blessed I have been to have parents who raised me with that understanding that Christ is real and loves each of us here on this earth.

Maurice was a big help to me when in 2009 I was meeting with him regarding some marriage counseling.  Although I was not honest with him at the time I learned a lot.  I would end up going back to the things he was teaching me to fight this battle.  His understanding of addiction and the enemy had been key for me.  Understanding how and when the enemy will attack is amazing.  I can receive the information from the spirit that I need to know when the next attack will be and can get prepared for it.  I suggest reading his book and understanding the principles that he teaches.  Cherae and I were able to speak today at one of Maurices conferences.  Maurice is one of my hero's.  Thanks Maurice.  You have helped me change my life.  http://www.lifechangingservices.org

LifeStar was also a huge lifeline for me.  Ken Schwab runs a great program.  He listed to me and invited me to participate in the program.  The program focuses on the addiction and understanding what it does to the brain and how destructive it is.  Ken is patient and understanding.  He has been so good to me and helping me understand the principles that the program has to offer.  The group setting for me was key so that I could see that I was not alone in this fight and others had been in my shoes.  I will appreciate Ken forever and for the program that he has to offer.  I remember telling him in the very beginning that Cherae would not participate.  The first week everyone there could tell that Cherae was not happy to be there to deal with MY issues.  Ken's promise to me was that if I worked the steps and focused on God that I would get back to Him and that my wife would be there with me.  As the weeks and months went by I could see the change in my life and the change in the life of my wife.  We were talking and communicating like we never had before.  LifeStar was critical for us and for our relationship.  Ken, you are a great man and will always be my friend.  Thank you for all you have done for me.  I also want to thank all of my brothers who were in group with me.  You were all so helpful for me.  Ian, you are a life long friend.  You and I were meant to meet.  Thank you for your friendship.  Thank you for hanging in there and continuing to fight.  You are going to be an amazing husband and father one day.  Keep going!  http://www.lifestar-davis-weber.com

ARP will be a staple for me for the rest of my life.  The LDS addiction recovery program is inspired.  It is Christ's program here on earth to help heal the sick and wounded.  He is the focus and is the reason the program works so well.  I love my group and my brothers in the program.  I love being able to go there each week and feel the spirit and feel the love that we all have for each other.  The spiritual aspect of the program has been vital for me to be able to sustain sobriety.  The program is a program of action and as long as the participant is willing to work then the program will be a success.  Just like the scriptures say "knock and it shall be opened", knocking on the door is a requirement by the person who wants to get the help.  The effort needs to be there and it has to be treated like boot camp.  Jump in, do the work, work your guts out, put all the effort you can into it.  It will work.  I know and can say that because it worked and continues to work for me.  https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng

Jake.  I can't say enough good about him.  Jake just moved into our ward and was there for me at my first 12 step meeting.  His timing of moving into the ward was not by coincidence.  I needed him to help me get on the right track.  Jake sat me down early in the recovery process and helped me understand more about it and what I needed to do in order to overcome the addiction.  As I went to LifeStar and ARP I felt like I had an advantage of already knowing what I needed to be doing.  It was amazing for me to continue to meet with Jake and get more information from him.  I am so blessed to have him in my life as a mentor and as a good friend.  Jake was there for me when I got to steps 4 and 5 in the 12 step program.  These steps are hard and gut wrenching.  It was so nice to have a friend there who could listen to my story and help me through the process.  Jake, thank you!

Just to clarify, I needed and continue to need ALL of the resources that I have written about.  They will all continue to be a guide for me in my life.  Some of the programs that I am involved with will be part of my family forever.  As we continue to work with Maurice and his program we continue to feel the spirit and feel the energy to combat the enemy.  Both of us have a love and understanding for ARP and will continue to do what is necessary to help others in the program.  I will always refer to the tools and knowledge gained in LifeStar.  I will always love my dear parents.  I can't say enough about them.  I love them so much.  I will always rely on my Savior.  I will always remain close to Him.  I will continue to turn my will over to Him because He knows what is best for me.

I also want to thank my ecclesiastical leaders who have been so loving and non judgmental.  I am so blessed to have the Bishop and Stake President that I do.  They are amazing men and have been so good for me.  I believe that they are in the positions that they are at this time because I needed both of them to help me.  I will always love and respect them for all they have done for me.  They have helped strengthen my testimony of the gospel by how they have treated me.  Thank you!

Lastly, my dear wife Cherae.  She will be my lifeline FOREVER.  She is the greatest blessing to me here on this earth.  She is there for me each day at every hour.  She will always be my hero.  She is the most amazing person.  I love her with all of my heart and am so grateful for everything that she does for me and our family.  Cherae, I love you!

I fight for my freedom from addiction.  I fight for my family.  I fight so that I can feel the spirit and have it with me at all times.  I fight for the love of God.  I fight to destroy the enemy.

Brandon.